"When people are fairly young and the musical composition of their lives is still in its opening bars, they can go about writing it together and exchanging motifs...but if they meet when they are older...their musical compositions are more or less complete, and every motif, every object, every word means something different to each of them." -Milan Kundera
Week 3 seems to be the week that I hit my stride. Not only did I figure out a way to suffocate my inner demons, but I figured out how to release the rope that someone had thrown around my foot intent on dragging me down to the bottom with them. This also means, my blog for this week will undoubtedly be less entertaining than in the weeks before, as I found myself spending more time working. It felt exceptional.
Perhaps some of the most important advice I received this week came to me last night from a dear friend. She reminded me that I should stop blaming myself for someone else's inadequacies. And that I should take the first step forward, just to walk this way and let him walk that way...one foot in front of the other. And just like that I realized how many times instead of recognizing the inability of a person to give you what you need, we turn inwards. We seek some explanation within. We obsess over something we can't change. At that moment, the most wonderful thing happened, I felt unbearably light. Let it go.
So besides my own inner turmoil, what happened this week?
1. After rescheduling an interview, I took the afternoon to explore Condado. I visited my favorite beach park, then stopped on my way home at a little restaurant called Greenhouse for a mojito and tostones. It was nice to sit and reflect, alone.
2. Martes Karaoke at El Local with the family....and to finally get to see Carlos, Noelia, and Ralph again. There's nothing quite like dancing, singing, and laughing with my good friends...and remembering Ralph's astute observation about how much brand new relationships are sort of like Christmas. Not to mention, out of nowhere, someone decided to sing Ace of Base's I Saw the Sign song. Obviously, the song of the summer. And FINALLY, Jorell getting to sing Tarzan Boy.
3. Three great interviews at the UPR.
4. My beach days.
5. Some awkward sights...the teenage boy on the train with an out-of-control mullet singing loudly to Beyonce's Single Ladies...and another teenage boy skateboarding to the beach in a pair of blue crocs.
6. Meeting potential interviewees while out running errands.
7. A failed Tacomaker expedition with Eggie.
8. The rock n' roll show at Nuestro Son with Eggie, Jorell, Santos, and Carlos. I got a chance to see Marisol, which was lovely. Listen to some geek talk about video games. Watch my life flash before my eyes as I almost died from a mosh pit...particularly, my favorite was when the fella I thought was protecting me from the pit decided to join in...and proceeded to pick up another young man lifting him straight over his head and throw him into the pit.
9. July 23rd. A sweet--yet drunk-- late night text message.
10. Brunch prepared by Enrique and Magaly on Sunday, complete with a whole slew of 3-eyed masks and a history lesson...and of course, apple juice. There should always be apple juice at brunch.
11. Sunday. Beach. Mary Wells. Productivity.
12. My discovery of Orange Crush in the pharmacy near the house...and the fact it reads Crush China.
13. Going to Joel's apartment in Rio Piedras for his famous Huevos Rancheros this morning, which was delightful...and finding out upon arrival that Cholo was joining us. There was good conversation, delightful food, and the joy of seeing old friends. I'll have to see these two much more in the coming weeks.
14. Family dinners....with stories of Michael Jackson and more "incidents." I thought I'd never stop laughing.
15. The random moments when Enrique breaks out in song and dance in the living room.
What's planned for the upcoming week? More interviews. More karaoke. Soul dance party. Chepi Fest in San Juan. And of course, more more beach days with my lovely friends here.
"I know this bar with a jukebox full of medicine...I know this song, with this one really killer line. I can't remember exactly, but it slays me every time." -Ani Difranco
It should come as no surprise to you that with a blog called Music Is Memory, that music acts as a primary organizing force in my life. In addition, due to the fact that my career requires me to spend hours upon hours at a computer in solitude, I spend many hours with music playing through my headphones. There is nothing I enjoy more than getting a new record or playing an old favorite through my headphones, while enjoying a beverage or two. In fact I could probably spend an entire day doing just that....wait, I think I have recently. If pressed, I'm pretty sure I could make a soundtrack for every phase of my life, every friend, every lover, and every road trip that I've ever had.
But for some reason, there were a couple of months at the end of last semester I forgot this. Somehow, I began spending far more time watching television and far less time listening to music. I'm not sure how it happened, but I do remember who reminded me of how much I absolutely love to just sit and listen. Navigating through playlists or youtube videos and enjoying the simple joy of discovery, to travel back through painful and happy memories...and sometimes turn it up so loud in your apartment that the sounds bellow out into the streets.
During a rather tumultuous "relationship" I had during the past couple of months, a man (to remain unnamed) reminded me. We shared a musical motif from the past. Songs, records, and bands that despite not knowing each other, we shared. Although Jawbreaker's 24 Hour Revenge Therapy meant different things to us, it was important that we had both grown up with it. We didn't have to do all the work of translation that happens when two individuals come from different musical motifs. And in a somewhat obsessive manner, we shared music with one another. Some days, we communicated primarily through song lyrics. Other days, he would come over and we'd lay on my couch, sharing headphones, listening to the music turned up as loud as possible-- recounting our memories of the songs and making some of our own memories to others.
And I realized how intimate it is to share music with someone, particularly by sharing the same set of headphones.
But then I started thinking about all the times I've shared music. Having friends located all around the world, there are many nights we find ourselves chatting, sharing youtube videos with one another...often going to the extreme, as my friend Amada and I have-- by synchronizing our listening by starting the song at the same time, while simultaneously typing out our favorite lyrics as the song plays.
More recently, at the height of the tumultuous "love affair" (I'm using quotes because exactly what it was has yet to become solidified in my mind), my friend Art came over to my house...and we laid on my living room floor and played Bright Eyes as loud as possible, while singing at the top of our lungs. Sometimes we got up to dance. Other times, we cried. And still other moments, we laughed hysterically.
Tonight, I spent a portion of my evening constructing a playlist for my dear neighbor Ashley, who is about to embark on an incredible journey that will land her in Wales for graduate school. She mentioned needing more "break-up songs" to help her break-up with the city of Nashville...and if there is anything I know, it is broody, sad songs. The kind of songs you can listen to, while soaking in all the sadness. Sometimes it is just necessary.
But I keep coming back to sharing those damn headphones. Lying next to one another on the couch, forced to stay close to keep the headphones in our ears, often with our eyes closed, just listening.
And now that things have ended, I'm left with the task of etching out my pain from an "exploitative situation" (see, I'm still not sure), by posting songs on my facebook wall that echo and resonate my dissatisfaction over the loss and emptiness. When I try to ask myself why I'm doing this? I suppose I'm still using music to share, to communicate, to write the words to the emotions I'm not sure how to name. But maybe more importantly, to demonstrate the impact it had on me, like a bruise that still hasn't quite faded.
All of this has reminded me of just how many of my memories and emotions I pack into music. Songs that once reminded me of a past situation have become reconstructed, with multiple memories embedded into just that one song.
"And if the sound of this it frightens you, we could play it real cool, and act somewhat indifferent." -Cracker
Furthermore, I found evidence of this power tonight when I came across a show that All Songs Considered recently podcasted. It is called "Cry Baby Cry: Songs That Make You Weep" (and you can listen to it here). Listening to both Bob and Robin recount their own memories attached to songs, as well as stories from listeners, was heartbreaking, even if at times it felt like Casey Kasem's long distance dedications.
So, there you have it.
And here is a video for you that resonates at the moment...
Once upon a time, Monday use to imply one of two things: Motown Monday at the 5 Spot or Manic Monday at Cafe 103...but that was a more simple time. So, tonight, I've got a dance party for one in my room-- while thinking about past nights at the Cafe and Motown dance parties in my house with my neighbors. Incidentally, this also means I'm looking for a dance party on the island...so folks, let me know if there is one happening.
This past week, I started interviewing. 2 interviews, 8 hours of data, and loads of follow up contacts. I also started working again, which was an incredible feeling.
Ultimately, I can safely say I'm on the right track now. There are no trains on this track.
Although I haven't secured any interviews for tomorrow, I'm trying to remember one of the most important lessons that I learned my first summer-- just let things happen and unfold naturally. So much of what happens on the island takes place on its own time, without being forced. Some days the person you are interviewing doesn't show up or sometimes you have to reschedule, but they always get done. It was this lesson that I lost sight of in the last month and a half...and so I'm glad to fully embrace it again.
So, what happened last week?
1. I had two incredible interviews with people I've been wanting to interview for over a year. They were incredibly insightful and gave me some new perspectives on my research. Not to mention, the company was stellar.
2. I successfully navigated the bus to Old San Juan and even got to feel superior to the other gringos on the bus.
3. Within five minutes of arriving at Universidad de Puerto Rico- Rio Piedras, I ran into an old friend...the sweet Cholo. We got to catch up briefly and I'm super stoked to see him in the upcoming week.
4. I gave directions to a young woman who attends the UPR-Mayaguez campus, but only after mistakenly thinking she was asking me for directions to the closest waiter, not museum.
5. I had a wonderful meeting with a future collaborator, Alessandra-- while we shared drinks at El Refugio (one of my favorite spots in Rio Piedras).
6. Developed a crush and made tentative future plans to oooh and aah over said recipient of crush.
7. Family dinner...avocado egg rolls might be the most delicious thing I've ever put in my mouth. (Come on, Ashley, Michelle, and Cassy...get your head out of the gutter).
8. Jorell and Magaly's tiniest violin.
9. Finally feeling awake again. Really, really awake...though not being able to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, but also making some progress on my paper.
10. Beach days...like last Friday and today. Sadly, today, I've developed an intense sunburn. Yes, this is why they make sunscreen. You'd think I'd have learned that by now.
11. Although this is state-centric, Erin Bergner buying me a ticket to see Wilco in October.
12. Road trip to Aguadilla with Magaly, Jorell, and Eggie for Chepi Fest. There was good music. There was laughter. There were uncomfortable situations in the parking lot of the Wendy's. There were roosters crossing the road. But most importantly, there was Ace of Base.
13. Chepi Fest in Aguadilla. Chepi was a close friend of Jorell and Magaly that passed away last summer. Actually, I was here last summer when it happened and I remembered being moved by the emotions they shared with me. Chepi's loss impacted loads and loads of people...and when Jorell recounted to me at the show what people loved so much about Chepi, I was reminded of the loss of Charlie. It sounded like they were cut from the same cloth. Plus there was lots of great music and good friends.
14. The quote..."I'm pretty sure he has everything big."
15. Dragging Jorell away from the show...which resulted in Jorell and I almost fighting one another, Chester fries, and the wicked Gasolina (which folks, is awesome. It is basically a mixed drink in a Capri Sun pouch, complete with a straw and everything...GENIUS).
16. Jorell and I joking the whole next day about fighting.
17. Texting with Art on Sunday afternoon...and realizing they'll never let us share a room at rehab. (Sad face).
18. Making a wise, wise choice.
19. Going to the movies here. I particularly enjoyed the fact that popcorn only costs $1.70. The movie was fantastic, but perhaps my favorite part is when the Woody Allen movie was only in French and the subtitles were in Spanish-- and I got to practice my understanding of the language by figuring out what was being said.
So, there you have it...another wonderful week full of productivity, ocean waves, and the most fantastic friends. Here's to next week (Saludos!)...where I'll get to see more old friends (Joel, Carlos, Noelia, Miguel, Cholo, Bernabe....this means you, so make it happen)...and I'll continue to work. Not to mention, today, I realized I've only got a month left...and that made me a little sad.
Yes, the title of this blog is taken from Bright Eyes' album Fevers and Mirrors...because it worked and resonated. Tomorrow, I start my second out of six weeks on the island for my summer research. Since I don't pretend to make this blog about my work (nor do I care too)...I'm mostly posting stories and pictures from my free time on the island.
As many of you may know, the month of June was full of highs and lows...drastically high and low. And some of it followed me into the month of July. The details are unnecessary, but besides barely making it to the island-- after almost missing my flights, yes, both of them-- I knew that I needed to be here, not there. But at first I didn't quite feel that way, it took almost a week for me to adapt, to recoup, to heal, to feel like myself again. And now I can feel the island on my skin. I can hear it when I sleep soundly (finally, again) through the night. I can smell it when I walk through the streets, navigating my way in unfamiliar places. Seven days, it took me to come back. But I finally feel like I'm really back at home...and I'm happy to say it.
It took the love and kindness of those around me, for sure. Almost immediately upon arrival, I let myself open up to those around me-- particularly, Magaly and Jorell. Instead of pretending as if everything was going well for me, I let them in. And from that moment on, they've done nothing but give me the love and support that I've needed. When necessary, they left me to my own devices. Other times, they convinced me to go out and remember what I love so much about this place. In other words, they were perfect and it reminds me of why I love them so.
So, what? What the hell? (I'm pretty sure when I was recounting the details of my first "real" night of sleep in a week to Magaly tonight, Jorell was saying this in Spanish to me)
Well, here you go folks...some top events from the last week... (in the vein of my posts from last summer)
1. The Carlos airport pick-up experience. We drove to Piñones from the airport. I had my first piragua. When Carlos asked what flavor, I said any. The fella making them said something like, "I'll make her the anise one because it is good for the heart." Wow. I'm immediately blown away by the significance of this statement. I also had my first meat on the island, as we shared bacalaito and alcapurrias. Then we made our way to our favorite "airport pick-up/drop-off" beach for a little drinking, talking, and baptism. Carlos wasn't feeling so great that day, so we had a short time. But as I walked to the ocean, I promised to let the past month wash over me.
2. My arrival at the apartment of Magaly, Jorell, and Enrique. We talked about Jorell's time in Bloomington-- complete with some literature about how to combat sexism and homophobia (as you will see pictured). And that night, I confessed all to Magaly and Jorell.
3. Taking a cold shower, while the three roommates serenaded me as they practiced karaoke tunes before we headed out for an evening at El Local.
4. Karaoke Night at El Local. There was laughter, singing, and dancing. There was even the posting of a Stay Sick sticker. One of my favorite pictures so far from the trip is the picture from the karaoke of This Charming Man, where you can see the silhouette of the roomies belting out the tune.
5. The beautiful, beautiful ocean.
6. My first visit to Bebo's Cafe with Magaly, Jorell, and our roomie from last summer, M-m-m-Mario. It was so wonderful to catch up with an old friend-- and to have carne fritas at Bebo's.
7. The dinner Enrique prepared us-- I had my first piece of beef-- churrasco with arroz y gandules. It was fantastic. And the beginning of the masked dinners.
8. The bobcat....and its name.
9. Setting up my desk in my room and feeling like working, again. Finally.
10. Getting the opportunity to attend Ricardo Alegria's wake in Old San Juan. While it was strange (the dead body part and my limited knowledge of his work), I was glad to be present and pay tribute to a pioneer of Puerto Rican culture.
11. The longest experience ever at the K-mart copy center with Jorell. While I thought I might pass out, the hilarity of the day will never be forgotten. Plus, getting to see Jorell with his printed Master's Thesis was quite fantastic.
12. Un Final Fatal show at Executive Manolo with Eggie, Jorell, and Enrique.
13. Nellylandia with Eggie...putting up another Stay Stick sticker and making new friends- Marisol!
14. Sunday brunch of Huevos Rancheros with the family.
15. A day trip to Aguadilla....if for nothing else other than getting to try relleno de papa, which apparently took me way too long to eat...and subjected me to many future jokes about eating like a bird.
16. The rain that resulted in going to El Platanal with Enrique and Jorell-- after subtle convincing, "Come on Katherine, they have Medalla!" and eating one of the greatest sandwiches ever (as pictured). Pork shoulder on two platanos with two Medallas on the side.
17. And always, sitting with the family in the living room. Talking, laughing, singing, and sometimes dancing.
So, there you have it. A wonderful first week. A week that led me back. I'm so fortunate to have these gracious friends. You just have no idea.
Tomorrow, I have my first interview for the summer. See you next week, folks.
"All that you keep is the journey, all that you keep are the spaces in between..." -Conor Oberst
My very first road trip involved my mom and I driving from Charlotte to New Orleans to Pensacola to Boone, North Carolina. We slept in the car one night. We woke up one morning and my mom asked me, "Where should we go today?" Since that moment, I've always been compelled by the journey, just driving from one place to the next with the windows rolled down and the music playing loud.
Once I turned 16 and bought a car, it seemed like I took a road-trip at least twice a year. Instead of going to the beach for Spring Break like most normal high-schoolers, me and my best friend, Jennie Ann, would pack the car and take off for a trip through the Northeast. Often, we ended up in Montreal. We stopped all along the way...Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Providence, Chicago.
Since selling my truck, my desire to road-trip has become enhanced...and so, when my best friend told me she was getting married in Charleston, South Carolina-- I decided that instead of flying in for the event, I'd plan a road trip that began with our week at the beach and ended with a wedding celebration for the couple in Charlotte. Since this would be my first opportunity to road-trip alone in many years, I decided to make it a trip to visit old friends and minor league baseball parks.
The greatest thing about road-trips is that you never really know where you'll end up. You set your course for a certain destination and within a couple of hours, you've decided on a completely different destination. And it was exactly this aspect of letting go that I needed more of in my life. So much of my life is planned out and subjected to schedules...and so for the first time in years, I wanted to remove those obstacles. I wanted to see what might happen if I just let anything happen. No rules, she said.
And you know what? The most wonderful things happened.
I saw a lot of baseball. I saw some ballparks I've wanted to visit for years. I had delightful meals and drinks with old friends and new friends. I bought ridiculous trinkets at every stop. I went swimming in the middle of the night, not once but twice. Some nights I passed out from sheer exhaustion, while other nights I stayed up late laughing and still other nights, I stared up at the sky pondering the absolute wonderment of the internet. In an essence, I celebrated everything. At least once a day, I cheers'd my life, my friends, and simply the wonderment of it all.
I think that Derek's aunt Janice might have pegged me correctly when she said, "Oh girl, you are gypsy. A gypsy girl just wandering around having the time of her life." And she is right.
I've recently taken to espousing the thrills of just letting things happen to just about anyone that will listen. Instead of walking through life and bumping into everything, I've decided to let it just wash over me. Instead of turning against the tide, I've decided to turn into it. Maybe that makes me sound like a hippie, or maybe it makes me sound like I'm under the influence of drugs or good sex...but "irregardless" (Reed 2011) I've discovered that I rather enjoy letting life unfold naturally. I can let it just happen without trying to schedule, plan, and organize all of it. And so for the last two weeks, I released my tenuous control over my life. I removed the regulations and the rules and the restrictions-- and let it happen. And it was fucking fantastic.
For the last hour, I've been writing this blog and attempting to capture every moment of it. But I've decided instead to utilize the joy of lists. Instead of trying to tell you about everything, I'd rather keep some of it to myself.
Here are the moments...
1. My first night at Edisto, sitting on the back porch with Jennie Ann drinking wine.
2. The Kan't Touch This shirt
3. A change in plans that led me to invite Sam, my old friend from Myrtle Beach, to come to Charleston and go to the Charleston Riverdogs game with me.
4. The Charleston Riverdogs and my visit to Charleston with Sam. There were Homewrecker hats, delightful veggie nachos, a free beer, and then the luck of happenstance, which led me to stay in a beautiful 3-story carriage house in downtown Charleston with a private pool.
5. Hence, night swimming in the private pool should make the list. Because it was absolutely breathtaking.
6. That delightful pimento cheese and Orange Crush at the Edisto Farmer's Market with Jennie Ann, Derek and Steve. I guess those chickens were pretty cool too.
7. An afternoon at the beach with Jennie Ann, Derek, Steve, and Jordan. From the preparation with sunscreen on Steve's back to attempts at reading to the Tecate and boiled peanuts to the warm sun in South Carolina.
8. Jennie Ann's birthday cook-out with all those listed above including Ellen! The food was delightful. The company was stellar. The dancing was incredible (and funny).
9. Jennie Ann and I's drive from Edisto to Charleston.
10. The rehearsal party in Larry and Jennie's room at the hotel. I got to celebrate the upcoming nuptials with Larry, Jennie, Jenny, Harry, Hoyt, Jonelle, Janice, Jordan, Blaine, Ellen, Jennie Ann, Derek, Steve, and Wyatt. It was a joyous occasion.
11. Dinner with Jennie Ann, Derek, and Steve at Husk. Cocktails and dinner. A damn fine catfish. I even tried a bite of lamb...and while I can appreciate it, I'm not sure it is my thing.
12. Cocktails at Husk's bar with the above mentioned folks-- and also Ellen, Blaine, Jordan, Alisha, and Wyatt.
13. Late night party with Wyatt and Steve, while we speculated on how to wake up Derek and Jennie Ann.
14. Breakfast with the beautiful bride the morning of the wedding. There were mimosas and espresso. And the world's largest champagne glass, which is something I can get behind.
15. An afternoon at the salon with the girls-- Jordan, Jennie Ann, and Jennie. Almost as delightful as the salon was the delicious sandwich I chowed down on from East Bay Deli back at the hotel while Jennie Ann was getting her hair constructed.
16. Visiting both the bride's room and the groom's room before the ceremony.
17. Riding in the bike taxi with Steve to the ceremony. Particularly fun was when I proceeded to tell Steve that I thought the bike taxi fella was hot and then realizing the bike fella could hear every word I said.
18. The wedding ceremony. It was beautiful. It was moving. I cried and Jonelle (Derek's mom) wrapped her arms around me.
19. The wedding dinner. I thought to myself a few times that night-- these people know how to get down. For sure.
20. The single lady and fellas night out on the town. There was a rooftop bar. There was dancing. There was laughter. There were lots of pretty ladies.
21. Mike and I taking off to find last call in Charleston, only to crash into a hotel pool for more night swimming.
22. Waking up the next morning with Jonelle and Janice.
23. Visiting the honeymoon suite for Derek to give birth to Mildred.
24. Seeing the Wooden Hearts, my friend Sam's band at Rosa Linda's in Murrell's Inlet. I haven't heard hillbilly jazz before, but I was sold within one minute of the pickin' and grinnin'.
25. Watching The House of Yes with Sam, while sharing a bottle of Malbec and snuggling with Yogi.
26. Waking up in Charleston that Monday morning...and not knowing where to go next. And really, not deciding where to go, until I finished breakfast at the Waffle House.
27. The Montgomery Biscuits game in Montgomery, Alabama. And afterwards at the bar down the street, meeting new friends.
28. Exploring Montgomery. Hank Williams Museum. Rosa Parks Museum.
29. Visiting my brother in Mobile, Alabama.
30. The Mobile BayBears game with my brother in Mobile. Beer in the can. Nachos. Clarence, the dancing man. The torrential rain. Fulton County stadium seats. And tons and tons of laughter.
31. Visiting Gulf Shores. Having breakfast at a beach shack. Putting my feet into the Gulf. Reflections.
32. My one night return to Nashville-- and spending it with Ashley Ludman to tell her about my wild adventures and subject her to a photo viewing of all my pictures.
33. Meeting Darien for dinner at Good Food on Montford. I had pork belly, posted a picture of it and started a small war between me and the vegetarians. Later that night, Thirsty Beaver for lots of laughter...and my motherly advice to a group of 20-somethings who were about to operate a car after lots of drinking.
34. Driving with my mother to Greensboro to pick up my brother John. Truck drivers and dancing.
35. Chichaitos and margaritas with my family.
36. Dinner at Dish with the family. Followed with dessert and drinks at 300 East to visit my sister. Probably my favorite part (outside of having Chicken 'n Dumplins for the first time in years) was when Emmett, my nephew, kept saying, "Que, queeeeee?"
37. Helping Jennie Ann set up at the Charlotte wedding celebration.
38. My mom and I visiting the grocery store and my discovery that the Jarrito's were on a close out sale-- and subsequently purchasing every single bottle in the store.
39. The wedding celebration. I got to see so many old friends. I got to have some awkward conversations with people I haven't seen in years. I got to dance. I got to see the lovely families of the bride and groom, whom I love. There was cake smashed on faces. There was some wild dancing. There were torrential rains. I was super happy to get to meet the lovely wives of both Chris Love and Brian Tucker. I was happy to spend time with Derek's brother Wyatt, discussing the mechanics of the Electric Slide. There was more wild dancing.
40. The Kinston Indians. I have to give a shout out to Jordan's husband Blaine for telling me about the stadium. Last year for the stadium. Incidentally, the game went into overtime. I left in the 11th-inning. Turns out this was the longest game in Carolina League history-- 23 innings. I met some lovely ladies at the game...and we spent the rest of the game laughing together. Wonderful stadium.
41. Making the decision to drive back to Myrtle Beach one last time. It was impulsive and perfect.
42. Margaritas with Sam on the porch of Rosa Linda's and later listening to him play his new violin and laughing at how much we love cats and want them on rainbows.
43. Letting Sam convince me to have breakfast at the Cracker Barrel in Myrtle Beach before returning to Nashville.
44. That long, long, long drive home.
45. I feel like there should be a 45, just to round it out. So, what could the last one be? Reflecting on the joy of it all...and returning to spend an evening with my lovely Nashville family-- Ashley, Michelle, and Cassie...and then to visit with Art and Jeremy, for a bonfire in the middle of summer.
All in all, it was beautiful. I'm trying to shake off the broodiness that comes when I return home. I'm trying to incorporate what I learned in those two weeks into my life here in Nashville. I'm trying. I've got three weeks here before I'm off for more adventures in Puerto Rico. I'm struggling to stay in one place.
And I thank all of you for the wonderful adventures of the last two weeks. I am extremely blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life. Yeah, I said it, you can make fun of me if you like....but it was so absolutely fantastic.
"Baby, I finally know what I'm going after. I'm learning to let in all the laughter. Holy moly, you're so funny. You crack me up, you crack me up..." -Devendra Banhart
I can't quite remember when I fell in love with Elvis. I can't even remember the first song I heard by Elvis. It frustrates me that I can't remember when or how Elvis entered into my musical memory. But I do remember when I decided that I wanted to visit Graceland.
I was in high school. It was my senior year. I had recently started dating a young man named Greg Korbler. And tonight, I tried to find him on Facebook, because I thought if anyone would be pleased with my decision to make the pilgrimage to Graceland, it would be Greg. Greg loved Elvis. I mean, he really LOVED Elvis. I remember him singing "Can't Help Falling in Love" to me. I also remember when we broke up in a Wafflehouse in Charlotte, he played "Suspicious Minds" on the jukebox. While I haven't a clue where to find Greg these days, I do know one thing, he left behind an intense love for Elvis in me. And despite the over-the-top touristy feel of Graceland, I've always wanted to make the trip.
Many of you might also know that Ashley, one of my bestest friends, is moving to Wales in August for graduate school. And so, when I mentioned to her that I might road trip to Memphis to visit Graceland, we knew that it'd be a perfect trip to take together. Tomorrow morning, we leave Nashville to embark on this journey. We've got plans to visit Graceland, Beale Street, the Arcade Restaurant, the Civil Rights Museum, Sun, and Stax.
And I can't imagine a better way to celebrate one of our last few weeks together. Watch out Memphis, we are on our way.
As per usual, I've created a road trip mix...to guide us on our path. Here you go...I'm not sure all of them will upload to 8tracks, but you'll at least get to hear some of them. Here is the full listing...
It's Your Thing- Isley Brothers Graceland- Paul Simon Memphis- Chuck Berry Don't Be Cruel- Elvis Presley Music Makin' Mama from Memphis- Hank Snow Honky Tonk Women- The Rolling Stones (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay- Otis Redding All the Way from Memphis- Mott the Hoople Proud Mary- Ike Turner and Tina Turner Stuck Inside of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again- Bob Dylan I'm Going to Memphis- Johnny Cash Sequestered in Memphis- The Hold Steady Mighty Mississippi- David Dondero Letter to Memphis- Pixies Hold On I'm Coming- Sam and Dave The Thrill Is Gone- BB King Mean Woman Blues- Roy Orbison 634-5789- Wilson Pickett Mr. Pitiful- Otis Redding Mississippi- Bob Dylan Tired of Being Alone- Al Green (You're The) Devil In Disguise- Elvis Presley Mystery Train- Elvis Presley
By the way, I haven't a clue why they call it 8tracks, seeing as how I just uploaded 17 tracks. And apparently, you can't upload more than 1 track by the same artist. But enjoy. I plan an update when I return. Wait for it.
Last month, I started thinking about this weekend-- the one year anniversary of the Nashville flood. My neighbors, Ashley and Michelle, and I talked about how we wanted to commemorate the anniversary. And for me, I knew of no better way than to put together a mix of songs that resonated for me and to write about it. Today, I will spend the evening with my neighbors. We will cry. We will hug. We will remember how we vacillated between fear, sadness, humor, and ultimately, the strength we found together.
It is hard to believe that a year has passed. Perhaps harder still is to recognize that so many people here in Nashville are still trying to find their way. And harder still to think about the people recently impacted by the storms in the south. The ways in which disasters tear everything apart and simultaneously show you the power of community and friendship.
And so here we are. One year later.
I fear tonight I'll dream about that morning. I fear that in my sleep, I'll feel the water on my feet when I put them down on the floor that morning.
But instead, I hope I'll remember how my friends came together to help, day after day. Whether they showed up everyday to move and clean my belongings, whether they brought over beer and offered their homes up to me, whether they bought me groceries to stock my kitchen for weeks, whether they donated their furniture to me, whether they simply sat with me while I cried and sat on my empty living room floor, or whether they called me late at night to give me support from faraway places. These are the things that I hope I will think about tomorrow.
And...undoubtedly, when I throw my arms around Ashley and Michelle today...I hope I'll be able to cast off the sadness and realize how despite the destruction and all that we lost in the flood, I gained two of the greatest friends. Friends that I know will be forever in my life, no matter the distance or time.
In case you didn't see it, I wrote something about the flood in the days that followed...you can find it here:
And so, here you have it, a mix I put together that reminds me of those days...and the days that followed...hell, even, the months that followed. Click on the link below to listen in no particular order-- and read the song listing that follows:
1. Ocean of Noise- Arcade Fire
"Left in the morning, while you were fast asleep, into an ocean of violence, a world of empty streets...I'm gonna work it out, cause time won't work it out..."
2. You Have To Be Joking- The Flaming Lips
"Stood here in the morning, got no science to explain, seems to me that God and the devil are both the same..."
3. Lord, I'm Discouraged- The Hold Steady
4. Hang On- Dr. Dog
"Stay here for a little while more, 'cause its a funny thing, I need a friend, not an angel..."
5. Under Sad Stars- Crooked Fingers
"Under sad stars in dingy bars, we turn away, we tear apart, one drop of grace, distant and safe, they cannot touch you where you are. Cold shafts of rain falling dark gray, falling so far they can't be saved, they cannot hurt you anymore, here underneath these sad sad stars..."
6. Long Way Home- Eric Ayotte
"I want to take you out at night, go on a date, go to someplace nice, somewhere we can watch the water flow. Niagara Falls, maybe down in Mexico, someplace, not this apartment...This is our home, this is our home, I understand now, we gotta get to it alone..."
7. When the Bottom Fell Out- Vic Chesnutt
"When the bottom fell out, There wasn't any doubt, I just suddenly found myself free falling, And from such a great height, The wind it had a might. And it took all my might to fight the fright. And falling spread eagle, must of formed an airfoil or some kind of wing, And I gained some equilibrium, And caught myself gliding..."
8. I Must Belong Somewhere- Bright Eyes
"Let the sideways rain in the crooked street remain...Everything must belong somewhere, I know that now, that's why I'm staying here..."
9. After the Storm- Mumford and Sons
"And after the storm, I run and run as the rains come, And I look up, I look up, on my knees and out of luck, I look up. Night has always pushed up day, You must know life to see decay, But I won't rot, I won't rot, Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot. And I took you by the hand and we stood tall, And remembered our own land, what we lived for. And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."
10. It's A Wonderful Life- Sparklehorse
"I'm full of bees, who died at sea...It's a wonderful life..."
It seems that as long as I can remember, spring has always ushered in new crushes. Apparently, I'm not alone in this...even Bambi and his friends get "twitterpated" with the arrival of spring. See below.
Even after all these years, I find myself absolutely crushed by crushes. Just like Owl says in the clip, you are walking by, you see a pretty face and just like that, your knees go weak.
Perhaps it is the promise of something new, like the beginning of spring. The moments in between, before you've even met the person. And you can engage in all types of ridiculous hopeful behavior. You can speculate about what it might be like when you actually work up the courage to talk to your crush.
You find yourself wondering...What is his name? What if it is Richie? Could I date a Richie? What if he has horrible taste in music? What would it be like to date someone who is a _____(yes, I'm protecting myself here). What if he wears some old white Reebok tennis shoes in his free time?
You can wonder about all of this with your closest friends, giggling all the moments in between. But I suppose the best part of it is all the unknown, all the questions, all the wondering. Just like we all do with our favorite baseball teams in April. It is the hopefulness and excitement of a new season.
Yep, I'm blushing right now just thinking about it.
Entonces, I'll celebrate new crushes and a new season. So, I put together this 8-track mix of crush songs...those that can accompany you when you spend a lazy afternoon in the yard (or side-yard for me and my neighbors) and think of days to come.
And just maybe, I'll work up the courage soon.
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Song Listing:
1. Counting Backwards- The Velvet Teen 2. Last Days of Disco- Yo La Tengo 3. Like U Crazy- Mates of State 4. Chesterfield King- Jawbreaker 5. 'Reak Scene- Dinosaur Jr. 6. Crazy For You- Best Coast 7. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy- Rod Stewart 8. I Melt With You- Modern English
Last night, I found out that my grandfather passed away. Since my somewhat flippant comment about it on Facebook, I received loads of support and condolences from friends and family all around the world. Without a doubt, I thank you all. However, I must admit, my feelings about this loss are complicated...and awkward at times. My relationship with my grandfather was estranged and difficult. And last night, I found myself confused with the news. I was confused about my reaction, confused about how the loss of my grandfather impacted me...and more directly, how it didn't impact me. These feelings are further complicated by the pain his death has caused for my family members. I recognize these and sympathize with how it must feel for them, but regardless of how many memories I flip through in my mind, I can not reconcile these feelings. So, it is with conflicted emotions that I say goodbye.
Perhaps one of the further complications is the fact that on February 1, 2001, I lost someone that I cared about very deeply. 10 years ago, I was forced to say goodbye to a good friend, lover, mentor, and comrade. His name was Joe, but we often called him Joe-b-won and the Z-man. He use to call Jennie Ann, Jabba. He was my Art History and Film professor. He was considerably older than me. He was the first man I lived with. He was jealous and controlling, but he was also the first partner I had to talk with about film and music and sociology. My brothers thought he was Bruce Wayne and Batman when they met him on Thanksgiving. He was an artist. We started dating on Valentine's Day, 1997. We broke up for the first time on Valentine's Day, 1998. He called me macaroon. Instead of telling him I loved him, I said, seven bucks a tube. He taught me to love the delightful joy of butter beans and Rodin. We lived in a farm house without running water, across the street from a pyramid house. We spent one night sitting on the hood of his Volvo, watching a meteor show in Bethel, North Carolina. He gave me his first piece of welded art, an evil-eye pendant, which still hangs from my rear view mirror. We started writing a screenplay together through letters.
The last time I saw him was on Halloween 2000. He was dressed as a ghost. And the last time we spoke was in late January 2001. He told me he hoped I was happy.
I found out about his death from one of my oldest friends. He called me at work. He hesitated and then he told me, knowing the inevitable reaction. Loss was not rare for me in those years. I made the trip to the funeral, which was awkward for reasons I won't go into here. But I officially said goodbye to him much later that night at a rock show of the Port Huron Statement, when the band dedicated their last song to him and I locked arms with those that knew him and we let our voices raise up above the trees (...in Jeff Mangum's words).
What stays with me the most are two lessons that Joe taught me...
One, when I was entangled in some family drama, I remember him telling me, "Always keep your eye on the exit. Always know how to leave when necessary."
And perhaps more importantly, secondly, I called Joe when I lost one of my closest friends to death. I called him, confused and scared. He told me that death is happenstance. He told me that essentially, we wander through our lives. We never know when time will be up. We don't choose that. And out in the universe are all these golden bb's-- circulating and flying through the air. We spend our days dodging them, and sometimes, it just happens, a golden bb gets you and that's it. Time up. Game over. While I cried into the phone, he said to me, "Fuck those golden bb's."
Shortly after the death of my friend, I visited Joe. He gave me a gift. It was an empty mini-wine bottle filled with bb's. He wrote on the side of the bottle, "Hey Sugarmac- At least I took some of them outta circulation. Love, Joe."
And while I sit here tonight missing him, I can't help but think to myself, fuck those golden bb's...because I've missed him these last ten years.
Music is Memory is a project that seeks to understand connections between music and memory. Primarily, I am interested in collecting the memories (and emotions) that we, as individuals, have attached to particular songs. I "collect" memories of hearing a song for the first time, but also how these memories change and meld over time.
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