An (inappropriate) eulogy for my grandmother (aka Mal Mal)

Virginia Ann Taylor, 19 years old

On Thursday, June 14th, I was watching a minor league baseball game with Michelle and Manny, two close friends, when I received a phone call from my mother. It had been a few days since we had an opportunity to talk, so despite the action of the ballgame, I answered the phone call.

As many of you may know, my grandmother has been in the hospital since late February. After being admitted to the hospital, it was quickly discovered that she had a very large tumor in her throat due to stage four throat cancer, which then resulted in an emergency tracheotomy and subsequently a major surgery that removed the tumor, her vocal cords, lymph nodes, a jugular vein, and all of her teeth. Although my grandmother was 90-years old, the doctors were quite hopeful that she could undergo radiation to completely remove the cancer and learn to speak again with a fake voice box. That was about four months ago. For the last four months, my grandmother was shuttled between hospitals, intensive care units, nursing homes, rehab floors. To my knowledge, my grandmother only saw the outside once when on a particularly good day, my mother was able to take her outside so she could see the flowers and the sunlight. Around the third month, she started experiencing confusion about what day it was, whether it was day or night, not necessarily because of dementia, but mostly because she was confined to a single room, day in and day out.



"Yeah I don't give a damn what those doctors say, I don't wanna spend another lonesome day, I don't wanna die in the hospital, you gotta take me back outside. They don't let you smoke and you can't get drunk. All there is to watch are these soap operas. I don't wanna die in the hospital, you gotta take me back outside." - Conor Oberst


Back to the ballgame. The three of us sat there. When my mother started speaking, it felt like I was frozen in time, while the world around me continued to move, speeding up in time. There were batters at the plate, runners stealing bases, foul balls, the crowd cheering, vendors yelling out "Cold Beer! Peanuts!" And all I could register was my mother's voice. She was telling me that my grandmother had been moved to hospice and was refusing any care with the exception of oxygen. As soon as she said the words, I knew. My grandmother was making a choice about extending her own life any longer. While I sat there paralyzed with the world moving at an increasingly fast speed around me, tears began to stream down my face. I promised my mother I would come to town within the next week so I could be with her and my grandmother.  It must have been the sixth or seventh inning. Michelle, having experienced her own loss of a grandparent that she was particularly close with, suggested that we leave the game and grab drinks and talk/cry/laugh/remember....just whatever it took to help me feel better. So, we packed it in and headed to one of my favorite bars-- the Cowboy Kewl, where I literally enacted a country song by crying into my whiskey.

I was pretty emotional for the rest of the night, as I drank myself to sleep. The next morning, I woke up to discover that around 1:35am, my mother had phoned me several times and left me a text message at 2:35am that read, "Please call me immediately." With a pounding head and shaky hands, I sat on the edge of the bed staring at the text message trying to dial my mother's number. I couldn't. I already knew what she was going to tell me. It was the same feeling I always have right before I receive that phone call. And you think if you prolong dialing the number for a few more moments, you can still pretend. You can pretend that you aren't going to hear that your grandmother has died. In those few moments, you can live in a space between, wishfully thinking of a world where loss doesn't exist.

In the days that followed, we were forced to discuss the cremation, the memorial service, her belongings, and ultimately, just how empty we felt. Her service was scheduled for Tuesday evening on June 19th. So, I began to make plans for how to get to Charlotte, particularly given that Manny, my out-of-town guest, was scheduled to depart from Nashville on Wednesday morning. In what seemed like a haze, we rented a car on Monday morning, drove to Charlotte to be with my family and friends, attended the service on Tuesday night, drove back to Nashville that night arriving back at 3:30am, and then dropped Manny off at the airport at 6am this morning.

The one thing that weighed heaviest on my mind was the fact that my mother asked me if I would like to speak at the memorial service. Throughout the weekend and the up until the morning of the service, I thought about this over and over again. I was conflicted. See, I traffic in rituals. I knew the memorial service was necessary. I also knew the memorial service was taking place at a Baptist church. I knew that most of those in attendance would be my grandmother's friends from work and church. When I started thinking about the types of things I wanted to say about my grandmother or the way I would like to organize her service, I knew it would not be appropriate for that particular context. And so, I held my own rituals. 

On Saturday night, instead of attending a huge dance party in honor of Pride, Manny was kind enough to indulge me in my own memorial service for my grandmother. I told stories about her. We plugged in our headphones to my computer and together listened to her favorite songs-- the songs I would have played at her service. I read to him parts of a journal that we kept over the last several years together. I cried and laughed. He listened to every word and when things got too heavy, he would hold me.

On Sunday morning, the cremation was scheduled between 9 and 9:30am. That morning I woke up, I lit some candles. I said a prayer for her. I made a box that I filled with the petals from white roses, some rosemary, a picture of me, her, and my mother on Mother's Day, and a small note to her. During those 30 minutes, my mother and I  texted one another pictures of her. We talked about memories. And at 9:30am when we received the phone call that it had been finished, I blew out the candles feeling as if I had said goodbye to her, at least in the sense of her physical body.

On Monday night, once we had arrived to my mother's house in Charlotte, Manny and I sat out on the porch with my two brothers, John and Taylor. We discussed who would be the one to release the white dove that would be end of the service. We discussed if one of us should speak at the service about her. My brothers decided it should be me since I knew her the best out of all the grandchildren. And while I told them my rationale for why I felt that I would be an inappropriate choice, I came to realize we held our very own memorial service right there on the porch that night until 4am. We told stories about my grandmother. Countless stories. We laughed. We remembered. And that night was more of the type of eulogy I would have liked to have for my grandmother...and so I decided it was best not to speak at the service, but rather, to write my memories, uncensored, here on my blog in a way that feels sincere, honest, and just the way my grandmother would have liked it. See, if my personality is similar to anyone in my family, it was my grandmother. I'm blunt. I do things my way. I'm independent. I'm an open book. I do and say what I want. When I decided what to wear to the service, I chose a brightly colored orange and purple flowered dress with converse tennis shoes, because although my grandmother followed fashion rules (she always had to have her fingernails painted and her hair washed-- obviously, not something I inherited), she admired that I often lived my life outside of the rules, all types of rules.

And so, I'll proceed now to write some of what I would have likely said, had I felt that my eulogy would have been appropriate...

First and foremost, it should be known that I NEVER called her "grandmother" or "grandmama," but rather I called her "Mal Mal." Yup. I know that makes no sense, but for some reason as a young child I thought that the word "Maw Maw," which is what I heard all the other country kids call their grandparents was spelled "Mal Mal." Later, when I was older and realized this, I just kept on. I had always written her name this way, so I just never stopped.

After hearing people speak at her service, I realized that in her 90-years, Mal Mal was a character akin to Bob Dylan. She was so many different people at once. When I heard someone say at the service that she never complained, I thought to myself, "Wait, who are they talking about? I heard that bitch complain about all sorts of things!" (Note: It should also be recognized that my grandmother and I spoke to each other very candidly, using all sorts of language. That was our relationship. We were blunt with one another, while always laughing at the fact).

One of the things that I remember the most-- and also happens to be my biggest regret-- is how much my grandmother loved music. When I was young, I remember my mother recounting stories to me about my grandmother listening to music. Incidentally, I should mention, my grandmother was an alcoholic, for many years. Late in life, she gave up drinking. Her life was difficult and complicated and like many of us do, she self-medicated with alcohol. Sometimes just enough, sometimes too much and we all suffered the consequences. Sundays were particularly difficult days for her when my mother was younger. On Sundays, my grandmother would play one song on repeat over and over, while she heavily imbibed.



In her journal to me, she wrote: "My favorite songs: "When A Man Loves A Woman" and "If You Don't Know Me By Now." Used to have a few drinks of vodka and play these songs forever on the day I was off when my children were playing with friends." 

If there is any song that reminds me of my grandmother, it is this song. When she first became sick, I asked Manny if he might be willing to record a version of this song so I could play it for her in the hospital. During my second visit to her in May for Mother's Day, he sent me a link and I played the song for her in the hospital. Although she couldn't speak, she looked up at me with her eyes filled with tears and smiled. It is of some comfort to me that I am surrounded by the most wonderful friends who made things for me to share with her during my visits to the hospital, like Art's video telling her that he couldn't wait to meet her one day and Manny's recording of her favorite song. Since Manny's version of this song is one of the last pieces of music she ever heard and because it breaks my heart, I wanted to also share it here before proceeding to other memories.



I regret that I was never able to sit down with her and capture the memories she had to this song, but I know my memories of her will always be tied up in the tangled emotions of this song and her love for Teddy Pendergrass.

We will return to music again later, but there are other memories I'd like to share. I spent a lot of time with Mal Mal as a young child, given the fact my mother had me at a young age. She would often take care of me during the day while my mother was working. Last Christmas, she gave me a plastic picnic basket that was mine from when I was a child. On our days together, we would often pack a picnic in this little yellow and green basket and walk down to the barn behind her house and have a picnic. I also remember her reading to me countless Little Golden Books, but most specifically The Rescuers. I remember her having a wood stove in her old green house. I also remember my terror of the bathroom in that house and the time the whole family swore there was a tarantula on the wall, while I watched them spray it with hair spray and any other bathroom products to try to disable the huge spider (which I honestly doubt was literally a tarantula).

But mostly, I remember sitting in her kitchen with her while she cooked. I sat on a stool at the kitchen table, while she made all sorts of southern food. I'd run to the pantry to grab whatever supplies she needed. I will always remember watching her make biscuits. She loved making biscuits. She always made too many and even into her final years, any visit to her apartment would entail returning home with a bag full of biscuits. Here's the thing about her biscuits. I loved her biscuits. Not because there were particularly the best biscuits I've had...actually on the contrary, they were rather dense. But they were the best biscuits because they were her biscuits. After all that cooking, we'd sit down and have Sunday dinner with the family. I think this is why no matter what, I always feel like cooking on Sunday. I will always remember those afternoons sitting in the kitchen with her, while I'm sure she performed an original version of "My Drunk Kitchen."

She also told me interesting things over the years, particularly in her later years. She commended me for my life choices of pursuing education and my career. She commended me for not marrying and having children. She knew that both of us preferred to spend a majority of our time alone. We both liked living alone. And she told me I was a "very smart lady" for making those choices. She also once told me, "You know, I think I would have liked to be a lesbian. But you know, back in my day, you didn't have that as a choice." I remember being stunned by the incredible open-mindedness and insight of a woman in her late 80's speaking about issues of sexuality. I also remember her giving me advice about how to get rid of a cold (which I still heed to this day). She told me to buy a cheap small bottle of liquor, not enough to get drunk (her words), but just enough. Drink it before going to sleep and during the night, you'll sweat out the cold. Honestly, it works. I swear by it. She also always, always complimented me on my breasts. Yes, this might be strange, but she always told me she was jealous of them. She told me, "Girl, you are lucky. You've got those Marilyn Monroe breasts." Yes, we were an inappropriate family. Are you starting to see why I didn't think this would work with the Baptist crew?

I do remember less favorable things too. I remember her falling down the steps of my dad's house (who lived right down the road where I would stay on the weekends) after having a few too many and us having to rush her to the hospital. I remember her being intoxicated and angry at my mother on a holiday and my mother had brought her an Easter lily and she threw it out the front door at us as we drove away. I remember her going to the beach with me, my mother, my stepsister, and my brothers. When we came back from the beach, she had made sandwiches for everyone, apparently while also imbibing. As we sat eating the sandwiches, we came across a twist tie from the sandwich bag in one of the sandwiches. I remember one holiday season, all the siblings trying to avoid any type of drunken incident, so they went to the kitchen and poured a majority of the liquor out into the sink and filled it back up with water. I remember many, many, many late night phone calls to our house while I was growing up. I remember her always trying to protect my mother. The time she threatened my paternal grandfather for trying to take the tires off my mom's car and coming out on the porch (with a weapon) and saying, "Charlie Brown, you better get the hell off of my property and leave my daughter's car alone." I remember her being angry with my stepfather and calling and leaving a message saying she was going to tar and feather him.

Over the last 10 to 15 years, she would always come to stay with us on Christmas Eve. Those were some of my fondest memories. Late at night after guests would come by, we'd sit around. She'd pull me aside and whisper for me to go into her bag and get the bottle of bourbon and pour half a glass and fill the rest of it up with water. This was often the only time she would allow herself to have a drink after she had quit drinking. Then, we would sit around the living room table (incidentally, some of those years was around the table I still have in my apartment) and we would play music. Me, my mom, and my grandmother would get up and dance. If there is one move that I learned from my grandmother, it was the Twist. My mother told me stories about watching my grandmother vacuum the floor at their childhood home, doing the twist all the way down to the floor and back up, while smoking a cigarette without ashing it once. I'd like to think I inherited her master twisting skills, as some of you have witnessed. Every Christmas, she would always request us to play one song. And she always got the name wrong, every single time. She would say, "Play that song for me, "Lighter Shade of Pink" or "Pinker Shade of Pale" or "A Lighter Shade of Pale." But this is what she wanted...and if I had organized the service, I would have liked for this to be the final song that played.



Some of my last memories of her are from Mother's Day two years ago, in the days after the flood here in Nashville. I had intended to visit; however, given the circumstances I was unable. I sent her a card, you know, one of those cards that played music. It was still on her coffee table when my mom went to her house to start sorting through her belongings. She gave it to me when I was home yesterday. My grandmother told me that the song would always remind her of me...because as she said (after some argument over the lyrics) that it was in fact a wonderful world.



The last time I heard my grandmother speak was on the days surrounded her 90th birthday. At first I didn't think I would be able to visit, so I sent a bouquet of flowers to her. They arrived three days before her birthday. She called to tell me how beautiful the flowers are. I still have this message saved. When I realized I would never hear her voice again-- after the surgery-- I listened to this message countless times. And then, a turn in circumstances, I decided to drive from Nashville to Charlotte to see my grandmother on her 90th birthday. For some reason, I knew I had to go. I knew it might be the last birthday I could celebrate with her. So, on the day before her birthday, by surprise, I showed up at her front door. We spent the afternoon talking, holding hands, looking at pictures, and laughing. I had an emotional break-down that afternoon. One of the reasons I felt the need to get out of town was due to a particularly difficult situation I was having in a "faux-relationship." I surmise my mother had perhaps mentioned to my grandmother my difficulties, as the first question she asked me was, "Are you seeing anyone? Do you have a boyfriend or a lover?" I immediately started crying. She just sat there and held me. She told me she had been praying for me to find someone who would be kind to me and love me, not because she thought I needed a man but because she thought I deserved to find someone worthy of me and my affections.She told me she prayed everyday for that, because she wanted me to be happy.

Our final three weeks that we spent together were after she had entered the hospital. I visited for a week in April, while she seemed to be recovering well. Then I spent two weeks with her in May, while things vacillated between good and bad. I don't really want to get into the details of the most trying moments, but rather prefer to share a couple of anecdotes from those days. She wrote countless notes to us, which I consider priceless now. Once, she requested a pair of sunglasses for when she gets out of the hospital. She really liked my new glasses and said she wanted some Jackie O. sunglasses, so I bought her a pair which made her look so super cool.

There was also a day that was particularly difficult for my mother. When my grandmother would have bad days, it was incredibly painful and trying on my mother, since she spent a majority of every day with her for over four months. I remember one day, my mom asked me to meet her in the coffeehouse when I arrived at the hospital. She was crying. My grandmother had been particularly grumpy to her. When we got back upstairs to see her, my mom went to talk with the doctor and I had a few moments alone with my grandmother. I told her, "Listen, you know you can't be like that with mom. She is more sensitive and exhausted right now. You can talk all the shit you want to me though, because I'm like you. And I'll talk it right back to you. So, if you want to be bitchy, do it to me, but take it easy on mom." She nodded her head and wrote that my mom was wonderful and kind and she was sorry. It was just the sort of relationship me and my grandmother had. We are cut from the same cloth.

Another time, mom and I were helping her practice talking with her fake voice box. Mom would have to make a glove filled with paper towels that we could hold over her stoma and she could force air out and start to talk some. She practiced some of the sounds they ask them to do in therapy, like counting or for some reason the phrase Taco Bell (are they getting endorsements for this?) Earlier in my visit, I leaned in and told her, I bet if you could talk right now you'd like to tell all these people to fuck off, wouldn't you? She nodded. And so on that day, when we finished her speaking exercises, she motioned that she wanted to stay one more thing. My mom returned, placed the glove over the stoma and I heard the last words that I would ever hear my grandmother say out loud, "Shut the fuck up." Yep. Again, see, not church appropriate, methinks. But exactly what I would expect from her. During that last visit, I also got a tattoo for her. On my right hand, I had Queen Anne's lace tattooed  for her. It was one of the things I always remembered about going down to her old house. The road was lined with those flowers.

When I finally had to leave that Sunday afternoon in May, it was difficult to pull away. We kissed each other several times. I held her most beautiful hands. I told her I 'd be back as I soon as I could. I told her I would miss her. And as I started to walk out the door, while crying and I looked back at her, I knew. I knew it would be the last time I would see my Mal Mal.

So, yes, I would have the world's longest eulogy. Also perhaps the most inappropriate for a Baptist church and the people attending. I appreciate the service, but I also wanted to represent the grandmother that I knew. The grandmother who helped me become the sassy, tough, bold, and independent woman I am today. In other words, she taught me not to take any shit from anybody. And to always do what I love and to love who I want to love, with my whole heart.

One of the last things I remember her writing, after she started to fade some was, "Living to 90 is no game." I still wonder exactly what she meant by this, but I can only imagine that she was trying to convey that life is difficult, but also wonderful. Sadly beautiful, at times.

And because I know how difficult this has been for my mother, I wanted to post one last song...I came across this song a few months ago...but now, it seems all the more suitable.



In closing (finally), I want to thank all of you that have sent me messages of support (whether through text, facebook, or phone calls), it really means so much to me. There are far too many of you to name personally, but please know that even if I haven't responded, I appreciate your love more than you know.

Without the love and support of Manny, Art, Carly, Michelle, and Andrea (in person) this last week, I might not have been able to make it. Not to mention, Tim and JD at Cowboy Kewl, who knew that I needed a few free shots of whiskey to kill the pain.


And lastly, I can not give enough gratitude to Manny for spending his last week of vacation here in Nashville holding me when I couldn't stop crying and spending his last two days in a car driving back and forth from Charlotte to Nashville, as well as being there for me throughout the service; and to Jennie Ann, who is the bestest friend anyone could ever ask for, who took time off from work and drove from out of town to pay her respects to my grandmother and my family, but more particularly to be there for me, sitting next to me during the service and holding my hand when things got a little out of hand. Also, the discussion of gravy is probably the only thing that got me through that first hour.  


And the last picture of me and Mal Mal together...

All my love to you Mal Mal. You were one of a kind.

Wheelie Kewl, Wasp Wars, and Guides to Insect Porn

For the past year and a half, Carly and I retreat to the mountains surrounding Center Hill Lake approximately every semester for what we often refer to as our "retreat from life." The idea is this. We will escape from the confines of our everyday lives. This has taken numerous forms over the past four visits, ranging from a complete technology-free zone to a structured work schedule to a time to reflect on our work and lives. Generally, we spend the entire time working on various tasks, taking breaks to have meals, sit in the hot tub, or take walks in the woods. During these breaks,we reflect. Sometimes we talk about how we are feeling about our personal lives, but mostly, we talk about sociology. We discuss questions that we are grappling with. And then, at night, after all the work is done, we drink wine, watch movies, and discuss whatever might be on our minds. Overall, the retreats are always restorative and productive, regardless of the task at hand. I treasure these moments I get to spend with Carly. This last trip, while also productive in a scholarly sense, was also about a mental health retreat. With everything I've been going through in the last few months with my grandmama, I needed some quiet time away in the mountains with a spectacular friend. And, it was just that.

We always spend our last night, drinking wine (wait, really?) and commemorating the event. We make playlists, we download our photos, and we try to capture the essence of the trip with a top 20 best-of moments from the trip. So, I present you with the best moments (mostly in order of when they happened), a link to our photos, and a link to our spotify playlist. Enjoy folks.

Top 20-something moments from the Summer of 2012 retreat:

1. Once we obtain the keys to our cabin/chalet, there are always a few items we need to purchase at the local grocery store. In Smithville, this means the Super Walmart. There are generally two times a year I enter the doors of a Walmart...and it is always on these trips. This time, we only had to purchase a few items, like eggs and beer. As we proceeded to pay for said items, the lovely cashier asks for Carly's ID and upon seeing that she is from California, he says, "Cal-I-forn-I-A." Just like that. I'm still trying to figure out if he was making a joke or not. Then, after carding her for the beer, he informs us. "Oops. We can't sell beer on Sunday." Now, just try to imagine the look on my face upon hearing this information. We were so stunned that he even showed us on the computer where it read "No Beer Sales on Sunday." We then proceeded to ask him about the closest liquor store, so we could buy wine later in the week. He didn't know. He asked several other people. They didn't know. I remarked under my breath, "Is there ANYONE over the age of 21 that can tell us?" This would become even more hilarious by Monday afternoon.

2. One of our first discoveries at the cabin was an insect attempting to enter. At first we thought it was a grasshopper. However, luckily, there was a set of Audubon guides on the nearby shelf. So, I started flipping through them to figure out exactly what sort of insect it was that was trying to make friends with us. I discovered that it was a katydid. Thinking that this might be symbolic, I asked Carly to look up the symbolic meaning of the katydid on the interwebs. Here is what she found: "These animals teach us how to blend and shift our energies, to change how we have been approaching things. We may during this time try doing things a different way. These animals often show up in the beginning of a new endeavor when individuals are initiating new lines of work and creative activities." So, we decided the katydid would be a nice spirit animal for the trip. And pictured above is our wonderful katydid. In other news, in flipping through the guide, I realized that insect porn is kind of hot. Yes, I said that out loud to Carly. "Hey, insect porn is kind of hot, I think."

3. While still exploring the cabin, Carly informed me there was a bug zapper on the porch. I informed her it was a bird feeder. Because I adore watching birds, we filled up the bird feeder with seed that was inside the cabin. Then, we waited. It wasn't until the next morning that we began to see birds feeding. Some adorable little small birds, a woodpecker who was too big to get into the feeder, a cardinal. But perhaps, our favorite of all was the squirrel. By Day Two, this one squirrel spent most of the day trying to get bird seed out. Sally, the squirrel, would jump up and down on the feeder to shake about the feeder and get feed to fall into the platter below. Sally would also hang upside down in a death-defying attempt to get to the food. I swear there were some mornings, we stared at that squirrel for hours, captivated by the persistence. Perhaps there was a lesson there? More than anything, it was incredibly entertaining.

4. So, I'm sort of obsessed with science. I got pretty excited about the annular eclipse on Sunday. Since we were in a wooded area, we weren't going to be able to see any part of the eclipse, so I decided to watch online. Carly and I both loaded the website up and proceeded to watch. Holy shit, that moon is a slow mover. We finally got to see some of the eclipse, but then, well, we started making dinner, totally forgot about it, and completely missed the ring of fire. So after listening to the science geeks anticipate the eclipse for about two hours, we missed the main event. There might also be a lesson there.

5. Moths. There were moths all around. There were moths in the house. Moths at every door. Although moths don't bother me, I discovered very quickly how Carly is terrified of moths. I tried to explain that they are mostly like nocturnal butterflies. She didn't quite buy it. However, the first night a white moth slept in Carly's bedroom. And in a moment, when I got broody one night, at the height of the brood, a white moth crawled on my leg....and we erupted into laughter, reminding me that there is always lightness at the end of the broods.

6. I'm not going to get completely into this one...but there were a series of sayings that we used to talk about getting rest and how it'll be useful for being more productive. I suppose the real saying is "sharpening the saw." But I kept calling it "swimming with the sharks" or "sharpening the skill." On that last night when we reflected on this, Carly said to me, "You called it a number of things." (By the way, that was far more hilarious that last night than it is tonight.)

7. On Monday afternoon, I phoned the office of the cabins to inquire about where we might purchase wine. The response, "Well, Dekalb County is a dry county. So there are no liquor stores in the whole county." Enough said.

8. Pictures of food. There will always be pictures of food to prove we were there. Because we really don't like to take pictures of ourselves in our pajamas all day long.

9. Given the lack of beer on Sunday and the lack of liquor stores in the county, Carly and I were forced to make a trip back to the Walmart for frosty beverages to get us through the next three days. On our way back, we decided to make a video of a bridge that we liked. You will likely never see this video. But we decided it should be paired with Prince's song Kiss. Unfortunately, we couldn't remember exactly where the bridge was...thus, we started the song over several times. Then, only then, we made the most boring and weird video of a bridge...and a nausea-inducing video.

10. On our second night at the cabin and once the hot tub had been repaired, Carly and I were about to start a movie. But instead, she said, "Should we get in the hot tub?" And we did. It was glorious. However, the hot tub would be responsible for what I refer to as the "Wasp Wars of the Summer of 2012." On our third day, we decided to do some mid-afternoon hot-tub'ing. However, once inside the hot tub, a wasp started circling around us. I figured it would stay away. I was wrong. As it zoomed in towards us, I freaked out and started throwing water at it. This resulted in the drowning of the wasp in the hot tub. This resulted in a bunch of screaming, jumping around in and out of the hot tub while we tried to figure out where in the world the wasp went. And when we thought all was safe, two more wasps arrived. I suppose to attend the wasp funeral? And from that moment on, we could only have nocturnal hot tub visits, when the wasps were sleeping or something. The following day, the wasps forced an all-out attack on me while I was reading on the porch. I think they knew that I was the responsible party.

11. After breakfast one morning, Carly needed to check out whether or not she could use the iChat feature on her computer. So, we both signed on. We discovered it worked. But, we also discovered that there are effects that we could put on our faces while we chatted. Yes, at the same table. I don't think I've laughed that hard in quite some time.

12. For a break one day, we decided to go on what we called our nature walk. We knew before we left that we'd end up with 1,000 pictures of animals, flowers, and roads. And after previewing our photos, that's exactly what we have. But we did meet some really nice goats, horses, and a dog. There was also some confusion about a bike versus tractor.

13. One night for dinner. We ate literally (and yes, I do mean literally) a mountain of spaghetti. We spent the rest of the evening questioning our own decision making.

14. "We just need the eggs." Woody Allen.

15. Every retreat, we often discover weird sounds in the house. This time, we had an ice maker that sounded like a ping pong ball bouncing on the floor. You can imagine our concern the first time we heard it.

16. "You know how we do our last night?" "Get naked and weird?"

17. Emotional roller-coasters. Textual novelas aka soap opera relationships via text. From start to finish, we experienced our fair share of them.

18. But when faced with emotional roller-coasters, you sometimes have to just throw off the broods with a 90's dance party across the table. We sat at opposing ends of the table, with our headphones on, danced and sang until we felt better. Oddly enough, I got some of my best intellectual heavy-lifting done that afternoon. I think adversity must suit me.

19. "It's your going-away party, dummy."

20. Taking our last night off to plan Carly's going away "Prince-themed" party.

21. On our last night (and since we were relegated to enjoying the hot tub only in the evening due to the wasp wars), we accidentally turned the hot tub up to 105 degrees. The funny thing is how long we made ourselves sit in an overly hot hot tub. But the more hilarious thing that night was the slippin' and slidin' that took place inside the hot tub.

22. Packing and leaving sweet Heavenly Rest and saying goodbye to everything along the way. Goodbye goats! Goodbye horses! Goodbye Rocky Top road. Ahhhh! Goodbye scary new scarecrow. Only to get a few miles down the road before realizing we left a whole bunch of stuff in the refrigerator. So, of course, we said goodbye to all of them again on our second attempt at leaving.

23. Taking Carly to the Waffle House for lunch. Her apprehension. My excitement. And the looks on the faces of everyone in there when I dared to play some of the Waffle House tunes on the jukebox.

So, there you have it. Now, we proceed to share with you our pictures. See as follows. After several attempts at re-ordering these, I gave up. So, enjoy the chaos that is the retreat in no particular order....

Wheelie Cool Retreat Photos

And lastly, we always make a mix from each retreat. We use to make these on 8tracks (hence the limitation of four songs each), but this time I decided to do a spotify mix. Here is the link the mix, alongside the track listing and rationale for selection.

Wheelie Cool Spotify Mix

Track Listing: 


My Selections


1. On The Radio- Regina Spektor


I fell in love with Regina Spektor during this retreat. I couldn't get this one out of my head. Plus, I do love the song November Rain.

"A million ancient bees began to sting our knees. While we were on our knees, praying that disease would leave the ones we love and never come again....No this is how it works. You peer inside yourself. You take the things you like and try to love the things you took and then you take that love you made and stick it to someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood. And walking arm in arm, you hope it don't get harmed. But even if it does, you'll just do it all again."

2. Won't Be Long- Ferraby Lionheart

"It's your aching smile that won't let me get away. But it won't be long, no, it won't be long, 'til I let you go."

3. With Arms Outstretched- Rilo Kiley


I'm always a sucker for a sing-along, but this one reminds me of all those grand gestures I always seem to crave and how I felt one afternoon, looking out into the mountains. "And some days they last longer than others. But this day by the lake went too fast. And if you want me, you better speak up, I won't wait. So you better move fast..."

4. Runaway- The National


I was once told about my academic work that when things get murky, I tend to run. I realized this is not only true in my career, but also in my personal life...and for one of the first times in my life, I've decided, I'm not going to run. I'm just going to throw my arms in the air. "I'll go braving everything with you swallowing the shine of the summer. I'll go braving everything through the shine of the sun. But I won't be no runaway cause I won't run. No I won't be no runaway...We got another thing coming undone and its taking us over...Go ahead, go ahead, throw your arms in the air tonight..."

Carly's Selections


5. Gray or Blue- JayMay
Rollercoaster, ticket for 1, please.


6. Speakerbox feat. Osmo Ikonen- Signmark
This fling with my dissertation research is quickly turning into a full blown love affair.


7. Wide Open Spaces-Dixie Chicks
"She needs wide open spaces, Room to make her big mistakes, She needs new faces, She knows the high stakes." Nuff said.


8. Lie to Me-  Jonny Lang
The song of the season.

After writing this all up, I've realized a few things: 1) Documenting life is exhausting, particularly a la Carly and Katherine retreat weekend style; 2) These retreats are one of my favorite things in all of the world; and 3) I'm really going to miss having Carly in Nashville this summer. Enjoy folks. See you at the Prince party.

I Have Never Loved Someone...

For over two months now, my grandmother has been in the hospital. It goes something like this...throat cancer, stage four, tumor, surgery, removal of tumor, voice box, vocal cords, teeth, lymph nodes, a jugular vein, and then....the long recovery. The last time I visited with her at the beginning of April, she was in the process of recovery. When I was scheduled to return home again was at the beginning of May for my mother's birthday. My mother's birthday coincided with the day we were scheduled to move my grandmother to a rehab nursing home, where she would continue to improve until we could start her on radiation. Sadly, her time in the nursing home only lasted three days before we had to rush her to the emergency room one evening when her oxygen intake had declined significantly. I don't intend to go into the details of my grandmother's trials for this blog, but rather I wanted to focus on what I have watched my mother do over the course of the last two and a half months.

Some afternoons, my mom would call me. She would be exhausted. She'd spend 30 minutes telling me all sorts of details about insurance, nursing homes, medical equipment....things I really didn't understand. And I'll admit, sometimes I was so exhausted from finishing out the semester that I had a difficult time concentrating. And before we realized it,we didn't have the chance to even ask one another how we were both doing in life at the moment before we had to get off the phone. It wasn't until I came home for the last 12 days that I've been fully able to realize just how intense this has all been for my mother...and how much admiration I have for her.

For the 12 days I've been here, I've been exhausted. Some days I can barely keep my eyes open. I've spent countless hours crying. I've spent conversations sitting around dinner asking questions about power of attorney and whether or not to revive my grandmother if her heart stops. While I have lost a number of people I've really cared about in my life, I've never really witnessed the loss of someone slowly...and someone that is as close as my grandmother. And while I've only been doing this for 12 days, my mother has been doing this for over two months now...and she does so much more than I have done.  I honestly have no idea how she is still able to function normally, nor how she kicked my ass in skee-ball when we took a lunch break last week.

That's just it, my mother will always pull through, no matter what. No matter how tired, when I tell her at 10pm at night, "Oh, you should really watch 'I Love You Phillip Morris,' I think you'd love it." She'll sit there holding her eyes open with toothpicks because she wants to share that time with me outside of our visits to the hospital. Despite the fact she spends a majority of her day at the hospital, she still makes sure everyone else is taken care of. And it is astounding. Crazy astounding.

There isn't really a narrative to this blog, but rather, I wanted to acknowledge my mother. How hard it is to be going through this with her own mother. How she amazingly keeps it all together and manages to laugh every time they refer to a particular piece of equipment they use with my grandmother. How when I tell her some petty story about my own life, she always knows exactly the right thing to say.

During my first semester of graduate school, one of my mentor's told me that I handled my first semester with grace, with apparently is rare. I now realize where I learned this skill. Despite all the hell my mom and I have been through in all our years together, this woman has exercised incredible determination and grace the entire time. She is quite simply amazing.

When I thought about songs that reminded me of her....there were dozens. Hell, we've made a lot of memories as you might imagine. But these three seemed to really resonate, although they are written from the perspective of the parent to the child. But sometimes, as we grow older, we share those roles together.

Every time I look down at the tattoo on my hand, I'll always hear my mother say to me, "I love you more than there are birds in the sky."

Three Babies by Sinead O' Connor

Hundreds of Sparrows by Sparklehorse

But perhaps most importantly, this song will forever remind me of my mother, because I have never loved someone....like this...and it kills me every time.

I Have Never Loved Someone by My Brightest Diamond

Summers of Green and Gold

"But these are days we dream about when the sunlight paints us gold and this apartment could not be prettier as when we danced up there alone. This tv is old, the color is fucked, do you see the difference in the shades? But the green is still close to green, my love and I believe we are the same. And we'll stay like this, all gold and green..." - Bright Eyes

(Me, Jeremy, and Art last summer)

Yesterday, summer officially began for me. After turning in grades and an end-of-the-semester lunch with the professor I worked for this semester, I walked home thinking about what this summer might be like. I thought about what summer felt like when I was younger, when it felt like complete freedom and endless days laid out before you where anything and everything was possible. I thought about how summer always means baseball and cook-outs. I thought about how for the first time in a couple of years, I won't be spending half my summer in Puerto Rico. And then, I thought about last summer...spending those warm summer days saying goodbye to one of my closest friends, my best friend's wedding, that fateful road trip with a watermelon named Mildred, running through the streets without a care in the world, and losing myself a little bit. 

Originally I intended to write a blog about my "porkiversary" (also known as the first time I ate meat in over five years); however, I decided a whole blog about my decision to eat meat would be as boring to you to read as it would be for me to write. But then I realized how in many ways, my "porkiversary" is intimately tied up in my memories of last summer and ultimately, my entire last year. The decision to eat meat again was about the removal of boundaries that I place on myself. And holy moly, if the last year has been about anything, it has been about confronting fears and charging forward as recklessly as I desire. Not only did I start eating meat again, but I ate all sorts of things I had never tried. I traveled to Europe for the first time. I wore my heart on my sleeve over and over again. I finally got my first tattoo. And really, that's just barely scratching the surface. 

So, here at the beginning of another summer, it feels in some ways like the beginning of a new year.  A year where I intend to continue to confront old fears and charge forward with reckless abandon. Instead of letting a fear of failure haunt me, I intend to keep moving forward to attain all those things I want in my life. I'll write my dissertation proposal. I'll send out a few manuscripts for publication. I'll write more grant applications so I can return to my fieldwork in Puerto Rico. I'll spend long days and late nights, drinking and laughing with my friends. I'll allow for the memories I've attached to certain songs become attached to other memories. And perhaps, even more importantly, I intend to let myself be loved (a la HappyThankYouMorePlease). Instead of fleeing the scene or choosing to waste my emotions on those undeserving, I intend to just let it happen...for the first time. 

At the beginning of every summer, I always play (often, on repeat) two songs that remind me of the seemingly endless days of summer-- Loose Leaves by Bright Eyes and Constructive Summer by The Hold Steady. Videos below. And with that...I'll raise a drink in the air to toast to all the lovely people in my life, as we turn green and gold on those sleepless days of summer. See you folks at the Cowboy Kewl. 

Loose Leaves- Bright Eyes

"So that's fine, yeah, come by. We'll take the afternoon off. We can kiss and undress. Or if you want, just talk. Because I've got nothing real, just empty space to fill. And you're my girl, I like your style. Just imagine all the time we could kill..."

"But I remember counting days down, until the year could be done. So I could scatter all my notebooks on the prep school lawn and disappear again into a summer's bliss of staying out and sleeping in and getting drunk with my friends. And that's gone and I know that it won't ever come back. I accept, I won't cling to what I had in the past. But life's a slippery slope, regret the steepest hill. Hope for the best, plan for the worse and maybe wind up somewhere in the middle..."

Constructive Summer- The Hold Steady

"We're gonna lean this ladder up against the water tower. Climb up to the top and drink and talk (this summer). Me and my friends are like, double whiskey coke no ice. We drink along in double time. Might drink too much, but we feel fine. We're gonna build something this summer. Summer grants us all the power to drink on top of water towers. With love and trust and shows all summer (get hammered). Let this be my annual reminder that we can all be something bigger..."

"Raise a toast to Saint Joe Strummer. I think he might have been our only decent teacher. Getting older only makes it harder to remember, we are our only saviors...."

My One Resolution for 2012

I've hesitated in writing about my resolutions for the New Year, mostly because I found myself at a loss for any real resolutions for 2012. However, I do always find it interesting to review the types of resolutions I felt were important at this time a year ago.

Here is last year's blog post: Resolutions for 2011

So, how did I do? Well, pretty damn average. Obviously, I chose these particular resolutions last year because they are a list of items that I regularly struggle with...expectations, forgiving and forgetting, letting go, and the grasp technology has on my life. Now, if I was to rate my approval on my last resolution about champagne and headbands, well, in that resolution, I did a stellar job (as evidenced from the picture above). Here's the thing, there were times in the past year I was successful at every single item on this list. There were other times I did a banged-up job of trying to accept that expectations of others can be tricky. Hell, I'm writing this on the second day of the new year and I'm struggling with that already. And so, that is the thing with resolutions, we always pick the things that are the most difficult for us, the things we feel like we need to improve on. Maybe I'm just tired of all the need for improvement, all the self reflection on our faults. And in light of that, I propose only one resolution for this year...

1. To not change one single thing. 


No, no, I'm not saying I'm perfect, but rather I'm saying, I don't want to make this list this year. I don't want to write about how I want to travel more or how I want to be more kind to my friends and family or how I want to exercise more...because, well, I'm generally happy. I'm doing the things I want to do in my life. I'm surrounded by fantastic friends and family. I don't collect regrets. I don't postpone saying what I want, sometimes at the chagrin of my friends. While 2011 was a rough year for me, there isn't one single moment I'd want to change. Of course, I'm being a little tongue-in-cheek here with my resolution, but there you have it. I'm going to continue to be reckless at times and apprehensive at other times. I'm going to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm going to just be myself.

Here's a video to accompany by the lovely Ezra Furman and The Harpoons.

And on another note...(and inside joke)...Resolutions are meant to be broken, just like traditions. And I'm sure if the data exists, we'd find that most people break their resolutions in the first few days into the new year. Just sayin'.

2011: A Year of Facebook Status Updates

Last year, I decided to review my year by scrolling through the year of Facebook status updates...and it was so incredibly fun (at least for me), I've decided to post them again this year. So, here you go, enjoy, my friends...

January 2011


"No, really, Michelle, I want to marry a vineyard."

"Every time I drink, I become more philosophical. I become Yoda." -Michelle Mansour

"Uh oh. I have a crush on Jesus."

"...is en route to the pansy dance party with Erin, Ashley, Michelle, and Arthur. Wooly! Wooly!"

February 2011


"...is wearing invisible devil horns right now. Yeah, you heard me."

"From family dinner: "If I posted a song that said, "I hate you, (name of guilty party)", non-gendered pronoun would think...I think I'll do some reading...I think I'll go to a (unnamed activity)...I think I'll take a nap...I wonder how (name of innocent party) is...maybe I'll read again." Of course, this was all enhanced by the theatrical enactment of quote (with sound effects) by impartial observer."

"...is watching Bieber do anything for the first time."

"Carly Rush: "I feel really, really, really awkward right now." Katherine: "Yes, Carly, the smooth jazz is making me feel weird too."

"I don't eat meat, but I would rub bacon fat on my neck in a second if I thought...(yep, City House).

"Yep. Shut it down."

"To Ashley in conversation: "Oh my, my ears are so red right now. I think they are turning into horns."

March 2011


"...is driving my truck home for the last time...sniff, sniff."

""When things get murky, you tend to flee..." Yes. It is true. I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Tequila makes you smart." -Ashley. "Yes, see, tequila does make smart." -Michelle"

"Not like you didn't know already, but I have the best Nashville family ever."

"The Ace of Base was excellent skating rink music." -Brad

"Mike, Conor, Nate, Andy, and Time: Hide the baguettes and tequila, I'm on my way."

"...will never forget C-note's new dance move: The Juggler. Such a fantastic night."

"This is time-release Tanya." -Mi madre

"...is letting out a rebel yell."

"...is stuck between time zones and waves and wires...missing you already and tipsy in the airport."

"No, actually, its the Medalla in every picture that I find cute..." -Ashley (and maybe Katerina)

"Art and I are outside. If Shawn can come get us, that's cool."

"Waiter (now dubbed Giovanni): "Have you had heart?" Katherine: "No. In fact, I haven't."

"I just wanna bite on that arm like a corn on the cob."

"I find this particular line in my Spanish homework curious: I began to dance on the table."

"And...cue the clown music."

"Would rather be 1750 miles from here...on a beach with good friends."

"Us single ladies have to figure out how to light our own pilot lights." -Ashley, during the house walk thru

April 2011


"Bus quote of the day: "You dumb ignorant."

"I mean, who doesn't want someone to sprinkle a little mozzarella on them?"

"Weird...There is a red potato in my purse."

"And just like that...my truck is gone."

"Barry. Roger. Merlin. Jody. Wilfred. Egbert."

"...got shit on. Literally. By a bird."

"Opening line from student paper: "Men have penises, women have vaginas."

"...just ate a little bit of pork. First in five years."

"...is princess of the prairies...or something like that."

" "Here's to the biters!" -Ashley

"Relationships. That shit is hard." -Eric aka Mr. Autowash. It is true I live in the best neighborhood in Nashville. Noe only do complete strangers stop by to provide you with supplies to make you feel better, but they provide you with words of wisdom."

"You just need to turn the beautiful butterfly back into a drunk incompetent caterpillar."

"After licking clean Arnold's corn mustache, he says, "I know some Sting when I hear it."

"Pass the tea. Shut it down. Go fish. Take your pick. Annnnnddddd, scene. (Well, that was quick...)

May 2011


"Me, Ashley, Heidi Klum, and Seal, You know, a normal Friday after riding the bus."

"...is covered in not only my own sweat, but the seat of all the Archers fans."

"...is selling a life path I didn't take on eBay."

"If you are looking for trouble, just look right in my face."

"...just walked in the door from Memphis...and now in an hour, onwards to City House to meet an old Charlotte friend. I wonder if I should wear my TCB button?"

"In need of a Stop n' Stab margarita."

"Dance Party for one, outside of Augusta to Otis Redding's Shake."

June 2011


"I'm living all over you. Yep. You heard me. Reverse it."

"'Don't expect anything from me, unless I'm doing it.""

"Midnight swimming."

"...feels like jello. Jello del pollo."

""That's gonna open a whole bag of worms..."- Jennie Ann"

"...is a catfish."

"In town for merely 5.5 hours and I have a bad feeling that I accidentally stepped in it."

"I'm sort of love with my life lately, if you can't tell. The days pile up and I feel more and more fortunate to be surrounded by all these lovely people. Yep, I mean you. All. Of. You."

"Just passed a boat named, "Disorder-lee Conduct." Obviously, I have a new life goal  now."

"Mildred just narrowed her eyes at me, after noticing I was doing searches for 'preserving watermelon skin.'"

"I'm missing that dancing lil' biscuit right about now."

"Que lio, que lio, que lio. You have no idea."

""Oh my gawd, I just touched boobs..."- Art in reference to my basil perfuming

"Uh oh, here comes the murkiness...And I only know one way to deal with that. Run. Like. Hell."

"Having to explain this to my professors: Entrenchment."

"I don't know about his chow chow, but his gnocchi kicks your ass."

"My new name dubbed by Jeremy is: Messica."

"I wasn't ready for all this nature..."

"Mom: "So, what annoys you the most about him?" Me: (Silence). Mom: "Oh hell, that was too long of a pause."

"And then Carly said, "Don't worry, we can get him a unicorn mask..." No, that's not about you."

"Thanks to Art and Jeremy for a lovely evening out discussing...well all sorts of things. But in particular, thanks to Jeremy for giving me one of the most lovely and thoughtful and powerful gifts I've received in so so long. You both sure are some lovely parachutes."

"And it just stops as quick as it started."

"...will only be a classic fool for six more days...in case you were wondering..."

"Sometimes I move in reverse"

"Will be Buck Owens come with a bartender on the side?"

"Headphones."

July 2011


"On my new phone, I have the sound of incoming text messages as: "Suspense."  That sounds about right. Now, if could find a way to set the sound of outgoing text messages to "Shady."

"Best quote from last night: "I think somebody bit me."

"Literally has BBQ sauce under each fingernail."

"Like Art says, "Now, we are REALLY having fun."

"I wanna blow some shit up..." -Art

"It's a cornbread crumbles sort of situation...and it breaks my heart."

"Family dinner was excellent and hilarious. Favorite quote: "I wish I had 3 eyes so I could wear this mask.""

"This is harder than I thought."

""I'm pretty sure he has everything big..." best quote of the night."

"And if they let us share a room at rehab, we'd never get "better""

"Jorell just used the word 'ain't'...and then it got real, real awkward."

"Trust me, I'd turntable you, anytime, anywhere."

"Ashley: "I think we should move to Spain too..." Katherine: "And fall in love with everyone we meet.""

August 2011


"This is way too early to be navigating the streets, but worth it."

"Katherine to Ashley: "Well, I think you should treat yourself to a little promiscuity."

"It's all Jawbreaker."

"Bless Magaly for making brunch."

"It is clear. I'm in the wrong place."

"I'm taking a page from Michelle's book. Delete. Block. That gal is inspiring, I tell ya."

"I almost forgot the best quote of the night by Michelle: "Katherine wants to run the bases!""

"What if I just covered myself in basil?"

"The gloves are coming off. Place your bet."

September 2011


"Sometimes, just sometimes, I like to make bad decisions."

"Me: "Maybe its the way he smells?" Mom: "Does he smell like pork?""

"Infect me with your cream sauce." -Art's interpretation of Katy Perry

"Me (to Ashley): "You know what, I think I figured it out. He doesn't smell like pork, he smells like alcohol. Well that'd explain it."

"I don't want anything with a bone in it." -Me at Tayst

"I make the down and dirty cobbler." -Michelle at Tayst

"...is a classic fool, because I still believe. The vinyl tells me otherwise...and I should listen."

"All my fancy strikers are jerks." -Ashley

"I'm just waiting on the step, that's it. For now."

"I want to live inside this mofongo. Seriously."

"Quite mysteriously, I have a craving for Greek chocolates now...and all that implies."

"Michelle (about champagne): "It's like a hug."

"So.....Fall, we meet again."

"I'm still waiting for grand gestures, for some reason."

"Apparently, expectations are overrated."

October 2011


"Me to Carly: "He was as big as a lumberjack, wore only flannel, and smelled like a homeless man....(sigh). He was perfect.""

"Me to Michelle: "If any man could destroy me, it'd be him. Which is obviously why I like him.""

"Well, he is awfully cute. Compact. I could put him in my purse."

"Absinthe wisdom: Instead of rose petals, I'll leave tiny little pencils all over the bed. Que romantico."

"Days gettin' longer, nights gettin' colder."

November 2011


"Ecstatically happy today. Bring it, world."

December 2011


"I'm going to start drinking beer. It is on my to-do list." -Andrea

"And that's a reminder...."

"Weird. I just remembered that last night I had a dream (yes, in those 4 hours) about being on a MTA bus that repeatedly kept crashing. I'm pretty sure this is a metaphor for my experiences in dating."

"K: "They were all repeat offenders." J: "Hot." K: "No (censored)." J: "Oh, I thought you meant prison dudes."

"Where does he put the apostrophe?" -Carly"

"From now on, I shall be known as Shaky Swizzles Everhart."

"And then we started remembering our social security numbers....Wow. This party is really off the hook."

"Quote of the night: "I'd rather him bite me, than be nice to me."...holiday celebrating with the girls at City House"

"Because we might need one more quote to add to the year-end FB status blog post...Carly: "No more 3-for-1's this time." Oh how, I love late night phone conversations with Carly. Such a gem and incredibly insightful."

"And then Michelle and I did the Maniac flashdance in the living room."

"Quote of the year: "It's broken and beautiful, just like us." -Art in reference to a Christmas tree ornament

"Did I just get re-engaged? This has been one of those days..."

"And then I put my heart on my sleeve....before I boarded the plane."

"I quote my mother: "Heeeeeyyyyyyy." This was the most hilarious night ever I swear. I haven't had this much fun in a long, long time. I love my mama."

"Lesson learned: Your mama will steal your property when you are in the kitchen making a drink."

"It must be an Everhart thing. I have no self control." -Crystal

"It seems like most mornings these days, I wake up tangled up in a set of headphones. Its akin to Dylan's Tangled Up in Blue."

"A sociologist and economist got drunk in an airport bar."

"He's not sexual sorbet. He's sexual bacon. It seems like a really good idea, but then your heart hurts afterwards." -Andrea

"Let the Nashville malaise begin...."

Cheers Facebook Folks! And enjoy!

2011: A Year of Everything in Disguise

2011. Wow. You really did a number on me. Last night, I spent several hours trying to find a way to summarize the year as a whole, but the more and more I tried to write this blog, I was confounded by the year's lack of coherence, but well, what do I expect, there are a whole mess of days, weeks, and months in there. So, here you go....here are some of the things I remember the most about 2011...


1. All the time I spent with Ashley and Michelle this past year, whether sitting on the front stoop or sitting around my dining room table laughing/crying/drinking/talking, our champagne and absinthe nights at City House and Germantown Cafe, sitting outside on the Mexican beach contemplating on the deal breaker names of our unnamed crushes, night markets, discussions of basil, rosemary, arms like corn on the cob, mozzarella, and pork, becoming known as the headband girls, developing new words (Wooly!), and yes, even stealing red potatoes and attempted pigs.

2. My trip to Memphis with Ashley...and less of a highlight, but something that really impacted the year, having to bid adieu to Ashley as she began a new adventure in Cardiff.

3. The many new friends that I've welcomed into my life this year...particularly, Cassandra, Andrea, and Sam, but also all the wonderful folks I've met while sitting out on my front stoop-- like Red/Mr. Autowash.

4. Getting to spend time with the lovely Carly over our late night phone conversations, our visit to the Top Chef event (particularly eating pork for the first time in several years), successful and attempted Miraculous Miercoles, and our productive trips to Center Hill Lake (even when the hot tub was only lukewarm and it felt more like we were taking a bath together).

5.  Saying goodbye to my truck and learning public transportation.

6. Many, many great shows...such as Bright Eyes (with Mom and Kyle), Bright Eyes (with Art and Amada), Archers of Loaf (with Sammy), Wilco (with Erin B.), Flaming Lips (with Ashley), Justin Townes Earle and Jason Isbell (with Michelle), Justin Townes Earle (with mom and Brad), Gillian Welch, Aretha Franklin, and Elvis Costello.

7. My days and nights with Art and Jeremy...building funeral pyres, receiving the best flower bouquets ever, grilling out, drinking Stop n' Stab margaritas, twerking, family dinners, Halloween, the 4th of July, dancing to Mumford and Sons, and even crying to Bright Eyes.

8. The wedding celebration of my best friend Jennie Ann and Derek...every single moment of it, particularly our lovely Edisto evenings and our dinner at Husk.

9. My road trip with a watermelon named Mildred, while visiting great friends at every moment and seeing some of the greatest baseball games of my life.

10. A strange, but life changing, Memorial Day that led to an orange soda, that crazy month of June, headphones, cornbread, and cinderella. It still amazes me that even after six months, the headphones still get to me every single time.

11. A wonderful 4th of July celebration, before my departure to Puerto Rico, that started with a cook-out at Art and Jeremy's and ended with a late night fireworks display in front of my apartment.

12. All those beautiful, beautiful days with Michelle at the ballpark (with the ballplayers), but also our fantastic trip to Atlanta to finally see those Braves fellas.

13. Learning how to twerk at the Labor Day cook-out with some of my favorite people in this world.

14. My spring break and summer in Puerto Rico and sharing it with all those lovely folks that make life worth living....those lovely afternoon conversations with Magaly, "fighting" with Jorell, evenings of turntabling with Egie, late evenings spent in Rio Piedras listening to soul music accompanied by a long early morning walk home, brunches with the family and those crazy 3-eyed masks, and all the marvelous people that have helped me build my career.

15. Planning my first trip to Europe to visit Ashley and present my research in Spain.

16. All those long distance calls, texts, and chats with Amada.

17. The Occupy movement and getting to participate in protest in my own hometown.

18. My trip to NYC to visit with some old friends (Anton, Carlos, Noelia, and Sam) and to present my research for the first time in front of the smartest and coolest activists/colleagues I know.

19. Jawbreaker, Ezra Furman, Gillian Welch, Lucinda Williams, and Jaymay.

20. Holiday karaoke with my mom and incredibly competitive monopoly games with my family.

21. Nightswimming and dancing biscuits.

22. Bonfires, lots and lots of bonfires.

23. Fran's Eastside.

24. And because I should highlight my academic accomplishments, I passed my two special area exams, put together a dissertation committee, presented my research at a couple of conferences, got accepted to an international conference, submitted a couple of manuscripts for publication, and have maintained my passion for my research. Though, this year also meant saying goodbye to several incredible mentors as they moved away for other pursuits.

Outside of these highlights, as I'm sure there were many, many more. It was a year of expectations. It was a year of entrenchment. It was a year of bending, instead of breaking. It was a year of being a classic fool at times. It was a year of bad decisions. It was a year that reminded me that sometimes, just sometimes, it is okay to open ourselves up to the possibility, even if it means that in the end we find ourselves broken. Because when that happens, we often realize we have some of the best friends in the world who are standing there beside you to help pick you back up.  But more than anything, I've realized this year just how important it is for me to sometimes, just sometimes, relinquish control and let things happen.

Cheers to another year! Abrazos and besitos, mis panas!

Audífonos: 10th Annual Holiday Mix

Here it goes. I present you with....Audífonos, the 10th annual holiday mix for 2011. To celebrate a decade of holiday mixes, I plan to write another blog that revisits some of the older mixes, but for now, I hope you'll enjoy this one. As I've listened to it countless times in the last few weeks, it feels fragmented, disjointed, and confusing...but I suppose that speaks volumes about my past year. Below, I've written some about each song with some lyrics from the songs. And much further below that, you'll find the link to download the mix. You can download it as one large .zip file if you like or you can download it song at a time. I've also included a file with the track listing and of the photo for this year.

You might ask why I chose to name it Audífonos? It's because I hope, you'll download the mix, saddle up with a beverage of your choosing, put those headphones on, turn up the music, and take a little journey through my past year.

1. Temptation- New Order
Given the typical broodiness of my holiday mixes, I decided to start this one off with a little number to get you dancing. It will always remind me of dancing in Cafe 103 in Puerto Rico with some of the greatest friends I could ever ask for.

"Up, down, turn around 
Please don't let me hit the ground 
Tonight I think I'll walk alone 
I'll find my soul as I go home"


2. Gimmeakiss- The Avett Brothers
Yes, folks, we are still dancing.

"So gimme a chance, gimme a dance, gimme your hands
Give me just a little bit of your sweet romance
Just give me your hands
I know what they say about me
Hell, I started most of them rumors myself, you see
So give 'em to me"

3. Hits Me Like a Rock- CSS
I can't remember now how I first heard about CSS, but I do know they have been my soundtrack for walking to the bus stop countless times. I know what you are thinking...another dance song? Another song about love? It's been one hell of a year and I'm determined to end this one on a positive note. So, just put on your dancing shoes and enjoy.

"We don't care for what's wrong and what's not
I like to be with you and all of you of what's real
But then you say we always lose our edge
But baby, baby, is that too bad?
You know I like you a lot but
It still hits me like a rock"

4. Teenage Kicks- The Undertones
I've always loved this song as covered by Nouvelle Vague, but then found this version earlier this year...and I adore it.

"I'm gonna call her on the telephone
Have her over 'cause I'm all alone
I need excitement, oh I need it bad
And she's the best, I've ever had"

5. Little Bit- Lykke Li
I fell in love with Lykke Li last year, but I fell in love with this song over the summer while I was on my three week road-trip. I've had countless starts and stops over the course of the year in terms of dating and relationships. Somehow this song seemed to perfectly encapsulate that feeling of when you first meet someone, find them occupying your head at all times, but also the trepidation that comes with admitting your feelings. It's that lovely moment before, well, it generally all comes crashing down. Yeah, don't worry, the broody songs are coming soon.

"Hands down, I'm too proud for love
But with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of
But how we move from A to B?
It can't be up to me, 'cause you don't know
Eye to eye, thigh to thigh, I let go"


6. Jes Excellent- Best Friends Forever
I was introduced to Best Friends Forever from my dear family/roommates in Puerto Rico, Magaly and Jorell. I'll always remember this song playing one morning this past summer when I awoke to discover Magaly and Jorell making a lovely Sunday brunch. Yep, this one is about all those starts and stops...and tons of lingering crushes.

"But it's too late now, to ask you if you want to go out
Because you probably have a girlfriend, all the guys I like have girlfriends
And besides we are too different, or that is what I have decided
But I wish that we had made out
So, that my feelings had been somewhat requited,
But hold on, I'm here for three months,
Maybe we could hang out once,
Maybe we could hang out all time,
I'm here for three months and I'm open to romance"


7. Long Walk to Never- Jaymay
I only recently discovered Jaymay. A number of her songs are featured in the movie HappyThankYouMorePlease, which if you haven't seen, please put it on your list. I'm pretty sure I've listened to almost nothing but Jaymay for the last two months. (Thank goodness for Spotify). I hope you'll fall in love with her too. Not to mention, how could I not love a song that mentions the Caribbean, Brooklyn, and London. But perhaps more than that, this one goes out to those fickle and shy boys that have traveled through my life this past year.

"You say you want me, but you never came to get me,
You never got me, and I hope you don't haunt me,
These dreams ever again"

8. Honey Won't You Let Me In- The Tallest Man on Earth
Who doesn't love The Tallest Man on Earth? How can you not love the way he says 'tambourine'? Just a beautiful song, as we transition in the mix.

"As I knock your door from inside once more
How I wish a soothin' breeze would let me in
Shake my tambourine at your glowing dreams
So, honey won't you let me in"

9. Midnight Blues- The Detroit Cobras
I remember an old friend introducing me to The Detroit Cobras years and years ago, but for some reason, it didn't really stick. During the summer in Puerto Rico, a group of us-- Magaly, Jorell, and Egie-- took a road trip to Aguadilla for a punk show. On the way, Magaly played The Detroit Cobras. In revisiting the work of The Detroit Cobras, I came across this song. And then, I heard these lyrics...and well, they were perfect.

"I just can't help but feel a little bit shamed
Every time I hear you calling my name
I'm blaming you for all the bad things I've done
Still I will admit that every once in a while, it was fun"

10. Slippin' and Slidin'- Justin Townes Earle
If you don't know how I plan to make Justin Townes Earle my first husband, then we obviously are not very close friends or even, distant Facebook friends. Yes, I said first husband, although I'm getting a late start, I fully intend to marry several times. Several.  But back to JTE. I suggest you go now and download everything he has put out, then I suggest you stalk his webpage for his tour dates and then buy yourself a ticket to a show. I suppose if I was going to make a mix with only one song, it would be this one. Yes, this is my number one song of the year. But why? Gosh, for several reasons that I won't go into right  now, but let's just say this, in several arenas in my life, this song resonates. Plus, the video for this song is stellar in my opinion. You can watch it here. And if you want to watch a hilarious bit of JTE, check it here. Yes, I'm in love.

"Darling I just need a little company
Ain't seen the sunrise since I don't know when
Days getting longer, nights getting cold
Slippin' and slidin', feelin' low"

11. You Can Tell Me All Night Long- Bill Fox
I don't really know much about Bill Fox. Jennie Ann and Derek introduced me to his music a few years ago. It just feels good, though, we've now officially made it to the broody section of the mix. Welcome. Take off those dancing shoes, pour yourself a drink, and let the entrenchment wash over you. Plus he says 'thrice' in it and I love any song with the word 'thrice' in it.

"The day will disappear, but I will still be here
And you can tell me all night long...
Thought I knew just what to do
Guess I'm just not that smart
Because I've told you twice before
You are bound to break my heart"

12. Never Gonna Make It Right- Korean Is Asian
Oh, Korean Is Asian, how I love thee. I first heard Korean Is Asian during my first week in Nashville, thanks to my good friend, Sammy. From the first note, I was hooked. Sadly, I didn't have any of their music until this past year, when they finally released an album that I could download. I also had the pleasure of getting to meet these wonderful folks at the end of last year, when they were kind enough to help out my friend Carlos with a music project he works on called Musica Realenga, based out of Puerto Rico. That wonderful October day, I got to help document their performance of two songs. You can read about the day and watch the two videos here. They are so very lovely. And perfect for those of you that are brokenhearted. Cheers.

"But you don't love me
We're never gonna make it right
But you give it all you have
We're never gonna make it right
But you give all you can
We're never gonna make it right...
Let it all go"

13. For Today- Jessica Lea Mayfield
My first husband, Justin Townes Earle, is the one to introduce me to Jessica Lea Mayfield. Okay, okay, sort of. Well, he had posted something on his Twitter account about this artist, so I took his advice and checked it out. She is quite wonderful and I hope to get the chance in the near future to see her perform live. Here we are at the bottom of the broody barrel. Welcome.

"I was walking with your left-hand in my back pocket
And I stared at the sky while you kidded me
And you were running away, away from everything
And I stayed behind so you'd miss me
And all these words would sound so sweet
I could care less about you, care less about you
And I love the sound of you walking away
And I can see cleared and I'm getting closer
To finding out just who I am without you in the way
So hold me,
but only, 
for today"

14. Doomed Love Affair- Ezra Furman and the Harpoons
Another test of whether we are friends...you should know just how much I adore Ezra Furman and the Harpoons, yes every single one of them. But more specifically, the album-- Mysterious Power-- they released this summer, blew my mind. This song, Doomed Love Affair, was actually released during the fall. The album will always be those warm days of June and July, while this song is about the moments I started to pick up the pieces from the summer, as it perfectly captures how it feels after all the dust has settled, but things still haven't quite ended.

"Fluorescent shopping malls at night
And I miss your 3am phone calls
Since you've left, I left broken glass on the floor
And I've cut myself
And the blood just knows how to get through the veins to the heart
And so it goes
It all seem preordained from the start
Love disappears in the wind like smoke
My room is a mess and the mirror broke
I shouldn't have dragged you into this doomed love affair"


15. Ever Fallen In Love?- Buzzcocks
Well, if you've had a doomed love affair, you've probably also fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with, right? In lieu of lyrics, just listen.

16. Baby Please- Kyle Forester
I came across Kyle Forester while watching the film, Breaking Upwards, which also is one to add to your list. I simply love the desperation in his voice....and who doesn't love a song where the artist stops and simply talks?

"Baby baby baby you rock my world..."

17. Where I Found You- Future Islands
I'll be honest, I don't really know anything about the Future Islands. I've actually only recently discovered this song and felt enamored with the music and the lyrics. So, in the timeline of the mix, we've had the doomed love affair, then we realized we shouldn't have fallen in love with the person, then we proceeded to beg...then this song is the memory. Damn those memories.

"I remember your smile
The smell of your skin
The way that you walked and laughed...
Look back
Hold on to the last
Don't let today push out the past"

18. Heart Skipped a Beat- The xx
Again, I'll admit, I don't really know anything about The xx. I've enjoyed several of their songs, but haven't really invested much in discovering more. This is my attempt at bringing the mix slightly back up before I sign off.


"No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren't near
Near enough for me
Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it
You were out of reach"


19. Wagon Wheel- Old Crow Medicine Show

Given my desire to think about memories and music, this song is filled with memories. When I hear it, I think of the first time my dear friend Art played it for me on our trip to Louisville to see the Bright Eyes boys. I also think of my road trip this past summer, where I drove through the places in the song. In particular, it reminds me of when I drove straight down the coast to see a handsome fella. I also think of the Labor Day cook-out from this past year, when everyone learned about twerking and I regretted opening back up a past situation. I think of the places in North Carolina I haven't been in years. I think of the conversation I had with Art and Jeremy about reclaiming the South. I think about the night I met three people at the Wilco show and ended up at Tootsies dancing to this song with them late in the evening. It's the South.

"I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight"

20. Tragic Music- A Radio With Guts
I have Egie to thank for introducing me to A Radio With Guts over this summer via our many, many nights together on turntable.com. If I'm correct, I learned of this band because they do a fantastic cover of Jawbreaker's Kiss the Bottle, which we-- me, Egie, and Jorell-- listened to countless times this past summer. And like any good broody music junkie, this song rocks it.

"Beat.
Beat Heart
Beat Heart Sweet
Beat Heart Sweet Stereo
I'm going to fall apart
Beat
Beat Heart
Beat Heart Sweet
Beat Heart Sweet Stereo
I'm going to break your heart"

21. One May Die So Lonely- Jaymay
Yes, one more Jaymay song for you. Yes, I told you, I've been pretty obsessed.

"Remind me again, just what you were saying 
When you walked in the room and the music was playing
When I was lost too, but in my own thoughts
And I could not find you
Tell me your story, I'm listening this time
I can get us some glasses and a bottle of wine...
Your lost and let's face it, I think we both lost it a little bit..
And this song ends here, because you are really really weird
And we haven't said a word in over a year
It just gives me hope, like music is a rope to hold you right here..."


So, there you have it. The 2011 holiday mix. I hope you enjoy it. Here is the link where you can download it below.

The Mediafire link and you can also stream it on Spotify, as I've published it on my account.