"It's getting cold out, you know?"

That one solitary trip to the mountains in Fall 2009 to write my thesis.

One night last year around this time, I sat out on the stoop with one of my neighbors. We were talking about how you could feel the chill of fall. We were talking about relationships. Both feeling wistful and nostalgic, he turned to me and said, "It's getting cold out, you know?" 

Instantly, I knew what he meant. Oh, it's fall. I want to share it with someone. 

Just like when spring rolls around, I find myself having a crush on everyone I meet, listening to happy songs about people who hold hands and run through the waves together at the beach. We call it twitterpation.

But when fall rolls in, I want to be in love. I want to nest and hibernate. I want to spend early fall mornings as a chill fills the air, holding hands with someone I love while wearing hoodies (non-negotiable, there must be a hoodies involved). I want us to seclude ourselves for days at a time in the apartment, slow cooking meals and dancing to the warm sound of the record player. I want blankets, knee-socks, and lazy Sundays, the ones where you do nothing but drink hot chocolate and watch terrible romantic comedies, all tangled up on the couch. 

This morning, as I waited for the bus as the sun rose over Nashville, I was bundled up in the brisk air, thinking to myself  how different life was four years ago, two years ago, hell, one year ago. And despite how different things feel from year to year, I've also discovered they haven't really changed much in the last few years. If you think back to my New Years Resolution, it was to change absolutely nothing...and nine months later, I've realized, THIS is not working anymore. The way I've organized my life, it just isn't working. Yup, I've fallen into a rut, which was both produced by and manifest itself in my relationships, my habits, and unfortunately, my work.  

I've recently decided to make some major changes in my life. Changes that began at the beginning of the end. Changes that followed me as I fell all the way down that hole. Changes I've been thinking about for a couple of years now.  I don't want to get into the specifics, but they are metaphorically related to the season. During the fall, as the leaves litter all over porches and stoops, we have to sweep away the old leaves. We have to take those things that are stagnant in our lives and let them go. Because if we don't, we never make it back to spring, where we get to start all over again. 

This sweeping away feels like a coming-of-age in some ways to me. I'm making choices about how I want my life to be lived day to day...choosing it, instead of letting it choose me. This means re-evaluating all sorts of things-- not just my personal habits and behaviors, but also that of those around me. Yes, I'm starting to sound like a self-help book. For this, I apologize.  But as the darkness of fall and winter arrives, I plan to let in the light. To be honest, I'm quite simply just tired. I'm tired of negativity. I'm tired of hopelessness. I'm tired of always thinking things are not what they should be. I want to be in the present. (For some reason re-reading this, I couldn't help but listen to that old song, Right Here, Right Now by Jesus Jones, in case you didn't already know that I'm older than dirt). 

Oh right, so I was at the bus stop...wow, I really got side-tracked there with the optimism. Oh hell, wait, there is more. As many of you know, I met a young man back in March. We begin to carry on a long distance love affair. He came to spend 17 days with me in June. Those days were filled with not only some of the sweetest memories of this past summer, but also the most painful days, marked by the of loss of my grandmother and several friends. Then "things" got rocky. There was a whole bunch of fear, confusion, and running. There were days of silence and hours of screaming. The last two and half months, we spent breaking up, making up, having the "conversation," making up again, "talking," breaking up again, not "talking," reiterating that we were broken up in case it wasn't clear the first time...and all the emotional burden that comes with a tenuous, long distance relationship. 

However, regardless of the chaos and confusion I felt, I realized it was still him I wanted to talk with after a long day at school. Nights when I needed someone to talk to about my sadness over my grandmother, he was always there for me. Even as we started to drift apart, he stayed. We didn't want to be apart. 

And then, one day, there was just acceptance, by and for both of us.

In the last couple of weeks, we decided to give it another go, but to really be present in it this time, to choose to be together. And so, I'm taking that leap, I'm jumping off the cliff, and I'm radically accepting this young man for everything that he is and isn't. 

I'm going to choose love this fall. Choose love as I walk home from school, kicking up the yellow and brown and red and orange leaves. I'm going to wrap up in a blanket once a week to watch Doctor Who with him across the distance (yes, we are total dorks and sync up and watch the show at the same time, so we can discuss it while it takes place...I won't tell you how many shows and movies we've done this to in the last six months). And then, I'm going to count down the days until he comes for a visit (since my iPhone is installing an update)....I can only guess is about 42 days from now. 

Oh right. That darn bus stop. After mailing out a package of trinkets and fun stuff to him and sending messages of smiles and love and hopefulness back and forth as I waited for the bus, I heard this song and it reminded me of him...so this one goes out to you, pickle. 

I can't wait for those magical 10 days when we get to hold hands, bundled up in our hoodies, kicking around those leaves, listening to music at the Ryman, and kissing on park benches. 'Cause you've got the magic key. 

And while I'm premiering some of what will ultimately end up on my end of the year compilation...there are tons of great new albums coming out this fall...Astro, Tilly and the Wall, Dinosaur Jr., Aimee Mann, Avett Brothers, and Tegan and Sara. Some are already out. Some are coming out. But here is the latest one from Tegan and Sara, because like my neighbor said, "It's getting cold out, you know?"

Closer by Tegan and Sara

So, cheers to ch-ch-ch-changes and to letting myself choose to be in love with a wonderful person. I cheers to all my friends and family that I get to share my life with on a daily basis. I cheers to happiness and health and productivity. Let's do this folks. Cheers to a new season. 

(FWIW, I'll try to keep the self help mumbo jumbo to a minimum from this point on, I promise. Seriously.)