Resolucions

Last night, I set out to draw up my list of resolutions for the New Year. Now I present to you the lessons I hope to learn in the next year...

1. Expectations of Others.

Over the holiday season, I realized that my expectations of others can be constraining at times. In the new year, I plan to let go of these expectations and just accept my circumstances as they are.

2. Forgiving and Forgetting.

I plan to recognize that forgiveness is important; however, there are times when forgiveness is not necessary. That being said, we must forget. Negotiating between forgiveness and forgetting will be an important lesson in the year to come.

3. Letting Go.

Yes, letting go is important both in my expectations of others, as well for forgetting and forgiving; however, letting go takes a slightly different form. I plan in the new year not to fuck things up with my desire to control everything around me. By letting go of control, I will attempt to relish all the moments in between.

4. Freedom from Technology.

No, I'm not going to say I won't use Facebook daily or I will only check my email once a day...but instead, I plan to utilize more boundaries around how much I allow technology to enter into my day. I'm not sure what form this will take, but I plan to create space and time in my day where I can turn off my phone or shut off the internet.

5. Champagne and Headbands.

In the new year, I plan to drink more champagne and get or make headbands for every occasion.

2010: The Year of the Brooders

Like so many others tonight, I'm spending the last few hours of the year reflecting on the passing of the year and starting to build anticipation for a new year. Even as arbitrary as the "passing of the year" may seem, I find something comforting in sifting through status updates, blog posts, and old pictures. Yesterday in talking with a friend about the year 2010, I could only think of one word: intense. It was a year of intense highs and intense lows, with little in between.

It was a year heavy with loss and light with the comfort of good friends and family. It was a year I spent confused by time zones, crossing between spaces and places. It was a year I felt at home in more than one place. It was a year of emotional joy and turmoil. It was a year of challenge in numerous ways.

1. I said goodbye to both Pete Peterson and Charles Meador this year. We, as a community, said goodbye to Mark Linkous of Sparklehorse. It was the 10 year anniversary of saying goodbye to my father. The heaviness of these losses weigh particularly heavy on me as we transition into a new year.

2.I also loss the comfort of a few close friends, due to various circumstances. Although I end the year without the comfort of their friendship, I still recognize just how much they've added to my life this past year.

3.The Nashville flood. While so much of what I remember from the flood is of loss, it also produced a family with my neighbors (Ashley and Michelle), allowed me to ask for and receive help from loved ones and good friends (too many to name), and loosened my grip on those things we can't control.

4. There were great shows: Eric Bachmann, Jonathan Richman, David Dondero, The Hold Steady, The National, Andrew Jackson Jihad and The Arcade Fire...and all the music I saw in Puerto Rico-- particularly Anti Sociales and Superaquello.

5. I spent eight weeks of my year in Puerto Rico. My time in Puerto Rico are among (and will always remain) some of my fondest of memories. I found a family there. I met some of the best friends I've ever had and opened my heart up again to the possibility. I also had the opportunity to activate the activist in myself. I think of my friends on the island every day, missing them and appreciating what they've brought to my life. I heart you folks.

6. My mother visited Nashville for my birthday and made my birthday quite spectacular. Trey and Charlie visited, which upon reflection is quite bittersweet. I'll never forget those precious days. My friend Carlos visited in October and was forced to acknowledge my top-notch dance skills. My friend Joel visited for Thanksgiving and reminded me how important it is to enjoy every moment.

7. I had more side lawn parties than I can count.

8. I finished my masters thesis and earned my second masters degree (official today!). I wrote a book chapter. I presented my research on the University of Puerto Rico student movement for the first time. I wrote a grant and was awarded funding to spend the summer in Puerto Rico.

9. I started learning Spanish, both informally and formally. Mostly, I learned how to say "Cabron! Vete pal carajo, mamabicho." That being said, I also learned how to describe my family and furniture in the present tense. Now, I shall move on to perfecting the imperfect and future tenses...and of course, fine-tuning my knowledge of insults.

10. I had the opportunity to witness many of my friends making life-changing decisions. Jennie Ann and Derek got engaged. Ashley applied and got accepted to graduate school in Wales. My brother John graduated from college and got a job. And others, that shall remained unnamed, dealt with tragedies with a grace that I admire. And lastly, my sweet niece (dulce sobrina) Rowan was added to our family.

(I decided to write 11 items, given the new year)

11. If I've learned anything in this past year, it has been the sheer treasure that I have in my friends. Not only do I have the privilege of having a wonderful and talented family, but I've developed numerous other families-- in Charlotte, in Nashville, in Puerto Rico, in South Carolina, in California. I learned the importance of nurturing these relationships through family dinners and the simple acknowledgement of just how much these people mean to you. I've also had the joy of realizing how much I mean to others, which I thank you all for.

And here are some pictures from the past year...for your enjoyment.

Best of 2010

And to 2011, I cheers you. I'm ready for you.

A Year in Facebook Status Updates: 2010

Over the holiday season, I took the opportunity to review my year of status updates (with the help of a new application on my phone that collects all of your updates in one place). While I appreciate the Facebook applications that compile your top words and the like-- I was curious to see what took place over the course of the year. While I plan to compile a few "Best of 2010"-- I present to you here my favorite status updates from the year...

January 2010
"In the last six months, I've gone from being a 'sad clown' to a 'melancholic pirate'- today, I'm a 'cheerful robot.' -1/24/2010

February 2010
"If I am Daniel Faraday, then you are Desmond Hume. And the island wants us back..." -Jennie Ann Cole on 2/5/2010

"My grandmother gave me some advice today about how to cure my cold: "Go to the liquor store, buy a small bottle. Don't buy too much that will give you a hangover or cheap stuff that will give you a headache. Drink it before you go to bed. And in your sleep, you'll sweat out all the sickness." Hmm, curiously, that wasn't on the list of 4 medications my doctor wants me to take." -2/11/2010

"just received a phone call from the von Trapp house in Salzburg. I'm pretty sure I never imagined that would happen." -2/21/2010

"Soy un robot rumiante." -2/22/2010

March 2010
"is going to spend the afternoon deleting old or corrupt files, backing-up, and then installing a new operating system. Metaphorically, at least." 03/12/2010

"Some creepy computer from Vandy just called me and told me, "This is only a test." Yep. That's true." -3/19/2010

"My plan from May to mid-June: Hone my dance skills for the impending dance off. You better watch your step, I'm taking home the crown this year." -3/28/2010

April 2010
"Last night I dreamed I was having dinner with an important politician from PR (don't worry, it wasn't Fortuno) at some atrocious fusion-esque restaurant. Here was the good part, they sent Medalla ahead of time for us to have with our awkward dinner." -4/1/2010

"The most perplexing question I've been asked lately: "Do unicorns even have lips?" -Arthur Reed" -4/22/2010

"is about to go all coffee cup on you." 04/25/2010

"is trying to convince myself the sound of the alarm going off outside is really the sweet sound of the coqui." -4/30/2010

May 2010
"Oh, in other good news for the night, my bathroom is flooded." 05/1/2010

""Your tongue is purple." -Art Reed in reference to my first exposure to cherry moonshine." -5/3/2010

"It is all in the merging. And I'm pretty sure he merges effortlessly." 05/17/2010

"According to Art and Ashley, I'm being served broodiness on a silver platter in the dining car of the broodexpress heading to Broodmont. Now I just need the right soundtrack." -5/20/2010

June 2010
"I should have been a cowboy." -6/3/2010

"is working on her degree at Attitude University." -6/4/2010

"You guys are really weird about some things. -The Weird One" -6/5/2010

"Porch. Mixed berries. Peligroso." -6/7/2010

"Me (at the local Rite Aid): Do you have pickles? Islam (one of my favorite employees at my local Rite Aid): Pickles? What are pickles? Me: Delicious. Tiny baby cucumbers soaked in vinegar. Islam: Pickles? Me: Pickles. Islam: Pickles? Me: Pickles. (Laughter. High Five.) Islam: No, I don't think we have pickles." -6/9/2010

"I'd rather be brooding than gaying. -Anonymous" -6/19/2010

"I feel like Dorothy. Everything just turned to color." 06/24/2010

"thinks someone has to drink the 40 in the bottle, not a glass." 06/26/2010

July 2010
"is not a lizard person. Thankfully." -7/2/2010

"has decided that I'm not leaving. I'm just saying, Do you know big the universe is?" -7/7/2010

"Apparently, resistance makes you a lobster-person, in addition to stinky and sweaty." 07/18/2010

"It rains champagne here." -7/18/2010

"Is Mario a fruit, vegetable, or grain?" -7/22/2010

""Do you have OIS? Do you repeatedly come up with outlandish ideas about fake weddings, fake beaches, and fake beer commercials? If so, you might have overactive imagination syndrome?" -7/22/2010

"has a camera full of incriminating photographs. Oh my. Manic Monday > Motown Monday." -7/27/2010

"is still wondering what would be more difficult-- taking a chicken on a bus or finding a chicken to take on the bus." -7/27/2010

" "New Rule: If they can't or won't dance: Deal-Breaker." -Ashley Archer (Yes, I concur." -7/28/2010

"I hope you realize you are making leaving far more difficult than it was." -7/31/2010

August 2010
"is covered in sand, in my bed. But swimming in the ocean as the sun came up was a perfect ending to this story." -8/1/2010

"Saying goodbye to Magaly Colon. Tears: 1, Trying to act tough and strong: 0." -8/2/2010

""So I was thinking about Prince the other night." -Joel Cintron" -8/3/2010

"es en la misma pagina, pero en diferentes paises." -8/6/2010

"Sometimes, just sometimes, Mom is right about everything." -8/31/2010

September 2010
"And most of our conversations are about making sandwiches. Awww, true love." -9/8/2010

"will be constructing my travel rider, just in time for my next trip to PR. Yes, there will be stipulations regarding practical jokes, pickles, pears, and dancing." -9/9/2010

"I'll venture to guess the fact that I'm wearing my bathing suit on the plane and going straight to the ocean is exactly what this one needs to remind me. Oh, PR, how I heart you." -9/22/2010

"Gas and Beer. Its the new primo." -9/23/2010

October 2010
"What sound does a walrus make when he is drinking a margarita? -Arthur Reed." -10/10/2010

"just cheers'd Carly to being in the gutter." -10/14/2010

"So, Ashley Ludman y Michelle Mansour, let me get this straight...sometimes it is a reptile disguised as a devil disguised as a wombat disguised as a wolf disguised as a sheep disguised as a man? Oh hell. No wonder we get so confused. By the way, just wanted you both to know, I accidentally referred to you as my "roommates" today. Sabine and Igor are no longer speaking to me." -10/19/2010

"Broodiness and reptile-devil-wombat-wolf-sheep-men: Vete pal carajo. Yep, it is time for a clean sweep and a blank new page." -10/25/2010

November 2010
"was just trying to text the word "ignorer" and it thought I meant "igniter." No. Don't put words in my text, cell phone. Well, maybe it was right." -11/9/2010

""What does that mean? Is it riding around in a Pontiac?" -Ashley Ludman" -11/13/2010

"Or wait, maybe it isn't a wombat...but a hyena?" -11/20/2010

"Joel: "Are there monkeys in Nashville? I want to see the monkeys!" Me: "No, but there are some hyenas and wombats." -11/22/2010

December 2010
"My head is two knives, one phone, and a sugar packet." -12/2/2010

"hopes the clouds disperse soon." -12/19/2010

"Me (to Emmett): "Can I live in your junkyard?" Emmett: "Yes, you can live in this Pontiac."" -12/24/2010

"is not a fan of complicitous silence...and this does not make me very popular at family functions during the holidays." -12/25/2010

"Change the paradigm." -12/29/2010

Somos Los Brooders Holiday Mix 2010

It is 2010. Here is my annual mix. Many of you already know, but this is the 9th year I've been making the annual mix and distributing it amongst friends. The list has grown quite large-- and throughout the years people are added, removed, added again, or just maintain a permanent spot. Even today, my old friend Anton said, "Of course I remember the mixes. I remember when there were on TAPES!" Yes. I began the process with actual mixtapes.

After spending a good 5 years burning countless cds, printing pictures and song listings, and paying an insane amount of shipping, I thought I would seek out a new production process. I'd also like to thank Reloj Bomba, for not only creating one kick ass holiday mixtape sharing experience, but also for showing me how to move into the technological age of 20-somethings everywhere.

So here you have it. I've provided a listing of the songs with explanations for why they were chosen. At the very bottom of the page, you'll find the link to download the mix.


1. Annie Hall Opening- Woody Allen

If you don't know how much I love Woody Allen, then I'm going to assume we aren't that close. "And it is all over much too quickly...."


2. Estas Que Te Pelas- Carla Morrison

I'll be honest with you. I've been in love with this song for months. However, I just now found the time to look up the lyrics and begin to translate them. And it is spot on. It says exactly what I had hoped was happening in this beautiful cover by Carla Morrison. If you aren't already familiar with her work, please seek her out. She can do no harm. Seriously. I could have compiled an entire mix of only her music. In addition, I came in contact with this version from the website Club Fonograma, where you can download new music and mixes. Que fantastico. "Cuantas ganas tengo, de robarte un beso."


3. Dance, Dance, Dance- Lykke Li

Apparently this mix is going to require me to say, "I'll be honest" alot...Eeeks. The first time I heard this song, it was during my summer fieldwork in Puerto Rico. I was searching online for a hair salon, as I was still two weeks away from being reunited with Andrea at Gloss (Shout-Out!). I pulled up this one swanky salon and this song started playing. I fell in love with it. Little did I realize how true it was...It'll always remind me of Manic Mondays at the Cafe.

"Having trouble telling how I feel, but I can dance, dance, dance. Couldn't possibly tell you how I mean, but I can dance, dance, dance. So when I trip on my feet, look at the beat, it was all written in the sand. When I'm shaking my hips, look for the swing, it was all written in the air..."


4. Shot Down- The Sonics

Yep, Motown Mondays. 5 Spot. Nashville. Awww, the old days.

5. When I'm With You- Best Coast

Apparently I might have arrived on the Best Coast scene late, but WRVU, Vanderbilt's public station (which you should support to keep on the air), played this on the day I got back from Thanksgiving break. It fit. It will always remind of Thanksgiving break. From picking Joel up at the airport to the adventures on Lower Broad to the potluck to the drive from Nashville to Charlotte to the time in Charlotte with family and friends to dropping Joel off at the airport.

"The world is lazy, but you and me, we're just crazy."


6. Be My Baby- The Ronettes

Just a classic. Perfect. Short. Sweet.


7. Hot Love- T. Rex

I'm just going to leave this one without explanation. Does it really need one?


8. Heartilation- Andrew Jackson Jihad

My wonderful friends Magaly and Jorell introduced me to the music of Andrew Jackson Jihad. I fell in love. And this past year I had the chance to see him play, not only in a parking lot to an underaged crowd, but also inside the club. It was magical. This is the kind of song I can turn up to full volume in my truck and play one thousand times.

"I wanna break apart my heart, glue the pieces to my car, crash it into a wall, I don't want to feel at all, I want to break apart my heart. Douse it in gasoline, so the fire burns clean, flick a cigarette like that movie Con Air, doused in gasoline. And if you think you are better than me, you're right. There's no one to love. There's no one to trust. In my life..."


9. So Far Around The Bend- The National

I've loved The National for a few years now. I fell in love with this particular song during my summer in Puerto Rico. There was something about being both between here and there, with and without a home. Full circle. In early October, one of my bestest friends Carlos came to visit to attend The National's show at The Ryman in Nashville. At the last minute, we bought a ticket for Art to join us. The three of us sat in the back of the theatre, dancing, singing, and laughing. It was beautiful.

"Wanted to cry, but you can't when you're laughing..."


10. La Emergencia- Superaquello

My last night in Puerto Rico this summer, I was fortunate enough to be introduced to the band Superaquello by my lovely friend Mario. It was happenstance. We had not planned to be there. We stumbled into the bar. We danced in the crowd. We danced on the side of the stage. And we danced well into the early morning hours in the club, on the street, and in the ocean.


11. Save Me- Aimee Mann

This one breaks my heart every single time. It is for all my brooding collaborators...and for those of you that suspect you are "cold-hearted snakes" inside, because you aren't really.

"You look like a perfect fit for a girl in need of a tourniquet. But you can save me. Come on and save me. If you save me. From the ranks of the freaks, who suspect they can never love anyone..."


12. Bombay- Alex Ferreira

Another cover from the Club Fonograma blog.


13. The Sparrow and the Medicine- The Tallest Man On Earth

My spectacular friends, Trey and Kyle introduced me to The Tallest Man On Earth....but mostly through their posting of videos. And if I am correct, there was one fateful night where Kyle told me I should download an album. And in my hazy state (wait, what?), I downloaded an entire album. It wasn't until this song came on my shuffle during a drive home from school one day that I totally fell in love with it. And I'm sure glad it did.


14. We Can Get Together- The Hold Steady

Oh gosh, I love Craig Finn. I love The Hold Steady. When I first fell in love with this song, it was about The Captain (to remain unnamed). I remember it made me cry then. Then it reminded me of my new friend Jeffrey Parker, because he loved it too. And it didn't make me cry. And then...there was that fateful day. This was the song I was listening to when my friend Trey called me to tell me that our friend Charlie had been killed in a car accident. So, now, this song is Charlie. It will always be Charlie. And it will always make me cry.

"He wasn't just the drummer, he was the singer's younger brother. I still spin the single, but it don't sound that simple. Let it shine down on all of us, let it warm us from within....Heaven is whenever we can get together. Sit down on your floor, and listen to your records. Heaven is whenever we can get together. Lock your bedroom door, and listen to your records..."


15. Caught the Song- David Dondero

Dondero has been an acquaintance for more years than I dare mention and a friend for some less than that. He is incredible. You should see him when you get the chance. This is from his latest album.And you know, it is true.

"I don't want to love and leave you again. I don't want to love and leave a friend..."


16. Winter Winds- Mumford & Sons

Another treasure brought to my attention by the miraculous Kyle and Trey. This is it. This is the broody music. Maybe I lied earlier. I'm not going to be completely honest. I've felt this way...often, even. But that's all you get.

"As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts, Oh, the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms, Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night? For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt. And my head told my heart "Let my love grow," But my heart told my head, "This time no, this time no..."


17. Bye Bye Baby- Mary Wells

"Your love was sweet as wine..."


18. Stay The Fuck Away From Me- Lightspeed Champion

Do we need much more than the title of the song by way of explanation?


19. La Hora de Volve- Rita Indiana & Los Misterios

I was introduced to Rita Indiana by Carlos. Some nights instead of talking, we just send one another youtube videos. He sent me this song. At that moment I knew that Rita Indiana and I were destined to convene in the same physical space and the same time in the near future. A few months ago, her band released a whole album. It is amazing. It would be listed in the top five of this year. Hell, I'll go further. I anticipate it'll rank in the top 50 of the decade. Yep, it is that good. I'm not sure I've stopped dancing. Rita, let's plan to meet in San Juan.

20. Pushover- Etta James

My favorite line: "Your temptin' lips, your wavy hair, your pretty eyes with that come hither stare. It makes me weak and I start to bend. And then I stop and think again...."


21. All I Really Want to Do- Bob Dylan

Road trip. North Carolina. Near the Harmon Den exit. Perfect advice from Bob. Sometimes we just have to let go of trying to make something out of something else.


22. Thank You for Your Love- Antony & The Johnsons

How could a holiday mix be complete without Antony? Although I'll dedicate this one broadly to all my incredible friends, there is one person in particular...to whom this applies specifically...my dearest friend Art. He has been there for me this last year..."when all is falling in the seizure of pain," "when I was lost in the dark blackness," and "when my mind was broken into a thousand pieces." If anything could be said about the year 2010, I learned the value of friends....as I know I'm blessed with the most fantastic people around me, both near and far.


23. True Love Will Find You In the End- Daniel Johnston

It will, you know. For the brooders..."don't be sad, I know you will...." And yes, Ashley and Michelle, it will. But maybe it has already found us....in our family.


Find the downloads here...

Download Somos Los Brooders Holiday Mix

And if you have any trouble downloading the music above, here is another place.
Somos Los Brooders Holiday Mix, Take Two

Death at my heels, like a basset hound.

(Charlie Meador, Robert's Western World, June 2010)

It was two weeks ago to this day that I received the phone call. We had lost our dear friend Charlie to a tragic car wreck. In the late hours of that Friday night, my friend Trey phoned me to inform me of the tragedy. And just like that, years and years of heaviness came rushing to the surface. At first, I thought it was some sick joke. Then, I refused to believe. And finally, in the early morning hours of Saturday I came to accept the fact that this incredible young man was gone. Gone, just like that. Gone, in the most unexpected of ways.

"And one of these days I'll be left with nothing but memories and no time, So I better get accustomed, 'Cause I got a lot, Lord, I got a lotta losin', Bye and Bye..." - Monsters of Folk

My reaction to the loss of Charlie was anything but subtle. What further complicated the matter was how well I knew Charlie. Here is the thing, I knew him for such a short time. Charlie and my friend, Trey, came to visit me here in Nashville at the beginning of June for three days. Trey, an ex-student of mine, had plotted a journey for the summer to travel and make a documentary on artists. When Trey told me about his trip, I offered a place to stay. Back in 2006 or 2007, when Trey was one of my students, he was one of the quietest students I had. After the fact, we became good friends-- albeit mostly through email. He is someone I can always count on for a great conversation about Woody Allen, movies, music, or life happenings. So, when he accepted my offer to house him during his documentary tour, I was thrilled.

About a week before arriving, Trey informed me his friend Charlie would be accompanying him. I was excited and nervous. While Trey and I had become good friends, we had never really interacted with one another outside of the classroom. I wondered, will it be awkward? Will he be as quiet as he was in the classroom? And I wondered, what will Charlie be like?

Once Trey and Charlie arrived, I realized we would have fantastic time. Trey was not the quiet young man that I remembered and Charlie...well, Charlie is the type of person who can talk to anyone and makes everyone feel comfortable. We found ourselves laughing hysterically within the first few moments, as Charlie comically recounted their experiences in Memphis and the other places they had traveled.

My plan for our two nights were to spend one night going to Lower Broadway showing them the honky tonks and one night visiting East Nashville.

That Thursday evening, my friend Art came over and the four of us made our way to Lower Broadway. We visited Robert's Western World where we picked out a pair of cowboy boots for all four of us. Then The Stage where we drank cheap beer and Art became the most beautiful bachelorette in all of the land. We sat out on the grass at the Riverfront Park and talked. We tried to ride the bull at Cadillac Ranch, which unfortunately was closed. Instead, we talked about having Art become the impromptu bull; however, instead, we all walked out of the bar as "sad bulls." Then, we finished our evening at The Wheel, where a lovely woman came to our table. She shared her drink with me, made us all sing along to some song about being a "redneck woman" (including yelling loudly the "hell yeah" parts in unison), and took quite a liking to Charlie and his flannel Western shirt. We finished the evening back at my apartment with Mud Tugs, an entire container of Hummus, and a viewing of a Dianetics video that Charlie and Trey had picked up during their journey. We laughed until the early morning hours, while Art and I screamed about the lack of structural arguments in the video.

On Friday, Trey and Charlie took off on their own to find needed supplies for the video camera. When they returned back to the house, they informed me they had the fortunate experience of visiting Rhino Books and McKays. I remember them showing me all their lucky finds, but perhaps most memorably, they had found a book that explains to children what is happening to their bodies during puberty. We spent most of the afternoon listening to Charlie read to us from the book, while trying to contain our laughter. Sitting here now, I can still glance over at the couch and see Charlie sitting there reading to us all about how we shouldn't be ashamed and how everyone develops differently.

That evening, I had decided I'd like to take Trey and Charlie out to dinner and drinks at the Holland House, then attend a show at the 5 Spot. We were joined by Art, Ashley (Archer), my neighbor Ashley (Ludman), Jonathan, and Becky. We laughed, ate, drank, read our name definitions from Urban Dictionary, talked about both Becky and I's upcoming trips to the Caribbean, and discussed the documentary. Afterwards, we made our way to the 5 Spot, where we brooded about love and sad music. Towards the end of the evening, we decided to walk over to Art's house for a short bit before catching a cab back to my apartment.

On the way to the house, Charlie started feeling sick. During the latter half of the trip, he had developed a pretty bad chest cold. On the walk, he started feeling dizzy and had started coughing very badly. As we sat and talked propped up against a building off of Gallatin, we became very concerned about his coughing...and we decided it might be best to make a trip to the emergency room.

So there we were, Charlie, Trey and I at the Vanderbilt emergency room at 2am. They took Charlie back pretty quickly; however, once he had gone back to the doctor, they would only let one of us back at a time. Trey went first. After about 30 minutes, Trey passed off the visitors pass to me saying that Charlie wanted me to come back and sit with him, while Trey called Charlie's parents. I'm not sure how much time passed, but I'll never forget sitting on the hospital bed with Charlie talking for what felt like hours. Luckily, Charlie only had a sinus infection gone bad and needed some medication to ease the congestion and pain.

The next day in the late morning, Trey and Charlie packed. They were scheduled to be in Asheville in the early afternoon for the next leg of their journey. I remember feeling sad that they were leaving. I promised I would come visit them both in Columbia. After the trip, I stayed in touch with Charlie. We joked about the trip. We discussed going to the zoo together. I promised to send him pictures from our last lawn party before I left for Puerto Rico. We shared songs with one another.

Although I knew Charlie for such a short time, I was shattered by the loss of him. A myriad of feelings ran through my mind that night. Charlie was an absolutely wonderful person. I could run through the list of positive adjectives; however, most importantly, Charlie was kind and generous. There are those moments in your life when you meet people by chance that you know are the sort of people you want to keep in your life, regardless of how many hours, days, weeks, or years you know them. They just simply emanate sincerity, in a way that a jaded person, such as myself, appreciates and helps them remember and believe in the good of people. Charlie was one of these people. I had looked forward to getting to know him better. I had looked forward to trying to put together an art show in which both Trey and Charlie could share their work here in Nashville. I had looked forward to more laughter in the future.

Saturday morning, after I heard the news about Charlie, I woke up and for a few short moments, I had forgotten. Then it all came rushing back. It was true. It wasn't a dream. This had really happened. And then the heaviness came. The heaviness from years of loss.

There are few things in this world that can shake me to my core, making me question everything in my life. There are few things that make me want to give up on everything. Losing friends and loved ones to death is that thing for me. The bottom falls out and I stumble through the darkness of the loss. And this wasn't my first experience with loss.

In 1999, I lost Dan, one of my best friends, to a drug overdose. In 2000, I lost my father to MS. In 2001, I lost Joe, an ex-boyfriend, to a brain aneurysm. During those years, it felt like it would never end. In 2002, I sat waiting. Waiting to hear the news. I can always remember the phone calls. Those dreadful phone calls when you feel the earth beneath you sink. When Dan died, my friend Paul called. He left a message, he told me he had some bad news about Dan. I remember the phone call. It was the first time I had lost someone close to me. I dropped the phone while I stood there crying. When my dad died, my mother informed me and I thought about the Christmas present I had planned to buy him. When Joe died, my friend Chip called me. I stood in the middle of the school uniform company store where I worked and sobbed.

Although 2002 was a difficult year to get past, I continued to wait for those phone calls. I was anxious. I felt broken from the loss. But luckily, years begin to pile up. Years passed and no more phone calls arrived. Eventually, I was able to reconcile my own feelings with the losses. That being said, every year on the days that I lost these loved ones, I always remember them. July 30th, December 2nd, and February 1st.

"I keep death on my mind, like a heavy crown...But for the record, I'd come pick you up, We'll head for the ocean, Just say when you've had enough...Let me down slow, just help me go slow, I've been hurrying on. I was poised for greatness, I was down and out. I keep death at my heels, like a basset hound..." -Conor Oberst

Hearing about Charlie and listening to Trey try to navigate his own emotions on our loss brought all of this to the surface. And it was during these conversations with Trey, I knew that I needed to be with him and Charlie's friends and family as everyone said goodbye. And so on the Monday after the loss of Charlie, I drove to the beach in South Carolina.

That evening, a group of people congregated at the beach house of Trey's family. We gathered together Big Chill-style and drank, played games, and talked about Charlie. The mood was light that evening. We shared funny stories about Charlie. And we all passed out, perhaps not completely prepared for what the morning would bring.

The morning of the funeral, I woke up in a place I didn't recognize. As my eyes opened, scanning the room, I realized I was in the beach house, I remember thinking, "Fuck. It is true. Charlie is gone. Now we say goodbye." We piled into cars and made our way to Georgetown for the funeral. On the way to the funeral in my rental car, I played the song I was listening to when Trey told me the neww--as loud as possible. I thought about Charlie. I thought about Trey. I thought about his family and friends.

The last song they played at his funeral, after everyone had said goodbye, was Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. As a young woman played her guitar and sang this song, we walked out of the church in tears and embraces.


I left quickly after after saying goodbye to Trey, Kyle, and Chelsea. I needed to have my own time on the road, alone, to say goodbye. In ways it felt like saying goodbye to not only Charlie, but all of those people I have lost in my life.

I know Charlie is missed by all of those that loved him. I know he will be remembered. I know he will be honored for the wonderful life he led and his kindness and generosity. I can only hope that Trey, when he feels ready, will take the fabulous memories and footage of that summer trip and make something beautiful to honor Charlie, for all of us that knew him. Whether it was for a short time, a long time, or whether he simply passed through our lives quickly and left an impression.

We will miss you Charlie Meador, always. Thank you for the time we spent and...well, the laughter. Hell yeah, mi companero.

Food and the single graduate student

One of the most difficult things about being both single and a graduate student has to be food. When I first started graduate school at Vanderbilt, although I was in a relationship, I found that my eating habits suffered. While working late into the evening, I discovered that taking time out to not only eat, but also cook, seemed like a major disruption of running code and statistics. Most of the time, I'd find myself making a quick sandwich or grabbing something out of a can to heat up quickly and eat while still pouring over several articles that needed to be completed by morning. After the dissolution of my relationship, I discovered that my eating habits declined even more. Cooking for one person was considerably difficult for me, unless of course I planned to eat that same meal for an entire week. No, I'm not a huge fan of leftovers. And so, eventually I gave up. I started eating more sandwiches and more single items for an entire meal and even some nights, I simply snacked on pickles and cheese while working. Worse even, I found myself frequenting fast food restaurants, which as a vegetarian means very limited (and often unhealthy) choices.

Luckily in the last year, I started making more dates with friends for weekly meals. I would spend all week looking forward to my weekly date with Amada, where we would pick a restaurant we haven't previously visited to take time out from work to enjoy one another's company and some delicious food. Unfortunately these only happened once a week-- and now I recognize that Amada's departure from Nashville to San Diego equals the end of our weekly dining experiences. But that being said (now weeping uncontrollably), there was something lovely about just taking the time out from everything to enjoy a meal with a great friend.

This summer, I had official roommates. Not a boyfriend roommate, but actual real roommates. The last roommates I had were Eric and Laurie in Charlotte back in 2001/2002 and before that Charlotte and Mandy in Boone back in 1997/1998. I was a little anxious at the prospect of sharing common space with three other people, but as most of you already know-- it turned out to be one of the best things for me. And among my best experiences were our family dinners.

Before arriving, I had assumed I would be purchasing my own food to prepare alone. However, I discovered very quickly how important family dinners were to my new family in Puerto Rico. Magaly did most of the cooking because she is amazing at it-- though of course, Jorell cooked some lovely meals too and Mario helped flip some pancakes every so often. Additionally, once food was being prepared, I found that everyone congregated in the kitchen. The four of us would stand around in the hot kitchen and talk and laugh while the food was prepared. We all pitched in to help set the table for dinner and to clean up after dinner, though I think Mario might be a little sad that the household dishwasher is gone. Needless to say, we did this most evenings. Even the evenings when I had hours of work in writing up field notes and transferring and backing up data collected from the day. I remember Magaly saying to me once, "I know that we all have a lot of work to do tonight, but I think we should all take a break to have dinner together. It is important to share at least one meal a day with someone."

I was also told by other friends on the island how important having meals together can be. My friend Carlos explained to me how necessary it is for everyone to join together in the kitchen during the meal preparation. It was a moment when the entire family could come together and share and enjoy one another's company. And perhaps more importantly, the meals were not quickly enjoyed, but rather even after finishing our meal, we would sit for longer--together.

Before leaving Puerto Rico, I thought one of the things I would miss the most would be the experience of just taking a few hours out of my day to share a meal. I feared that as the semester would begin, I would revert back to my old bad habits of pickles and cheese, alone...and furthermore, as a student, entire days when I don't leave my apartment, but rather sit in front of a computer or a book or a statistical program. Being a graduate student, particularly as you move into your final few years, becomes more and more isolating. You sequester yourself with more time thinking and reading and writing and less time spent with others. It can be incredibly difficult...and for those of us that live alone, it can be downright alienating. You start to feel the walls of your apartment or home grow thicker and it makes it more and more difficult to leave the house and go out into the world. Trust me, there have been weeks, I've only left the apartment once or twice. My main communication with the world has been my daily phone call to my mother or texting and chatting with friends online.

So, upon arriving back home, I was pleased to find out the graduate students in my department were planning a monthly pot-luck. We can all come together with different food items and share a meal. In addition, I've decided with a couple of friends to schedule a weekly meal-- either out to eat or in our homes. And lastly, I decided with my lovely neighbors-- Ashley and Michelle-- to have what we now refer to as the "trifecta family dinner" on a weekly basis.

Tonight we had the first "trifecta family dinner." We prepared food, though separately at this juncture (next time we'll also have to cook together!) and all joined together in my apartment for a variety of food items. We had a tofu curry and jasmine rice prepared by Ashley and Michelle and I prepared fresh lima beans from the local Farmers Market and a fruit salad of fresh pineapple and pears. Ashley brought us Bitch Bubbly champagne and some elderflower. We sat around the table for a couple of hours, eating, talking, and listening to music. And you know what? It was absolutely fantastic. After spending a full day of scheduling ASA meetings and working on grant reports and thinking about finishing my thesis and continuing to work on my book chapter...I had spent the entire day inside. I hadn't spoken to one human face to face all day. I say human, because given my sequestered inside predicament, I had plenty of foul words to say to my cats today. Dinner made me feel connected. It made me realize how it is okay to take time out from a busy schedule to share your time, food, and life with others. Actually, it isn't even just "okay," it is necessary.

And so now, I shall start to think about what I'll prepare for the next "trifecta family dinner," while scheduling dinners with those others in Nashville I consider my family. I'll never forget the family dinners I had with my family in Puerto Rico, nor the delicious food that Magaly (and Jorell and Mario) prepared. And I thank them for reminding me of how important it is to come together over a meal. Abrazos, mi panas.

Family Dinners

The Final Two Weeks: Entrevistas, Piquetes, Pranks, and Pictures to Prove...

My final two weeks in Puerto Rico were...both amargo and dulce. As I loaded up two and three interviews a day on campus, accompanied by attending piquetes, I felt the exhaustion of field research-- particularly as your research unfolds in the process. Scheduling, interviewing, documenting piquetes, typing up field notes, and making new contacts consumed most of my fifth week. And while I have left plenty unexplored and work to continue when I return, I felt I captured tons of data that now stares at me anxiously as I begin the task of uncovering additional themes and transcribing hours and hours of interviews. I must thank my participants and contacts on the island who were incredibly generous with their time and information. It is with great hope and anticipation that I will be able to produce research and writing on these activists, artists, and the UPR movement that will accurately capture the essence of what I experienced.

While I had hoped to spend my last week relaxing, I found myself still scheduling interviews while simultaneously trying to meet with friends I made on the island during my short, short time visiting. It was necessary for me to bid farewell to all those individuals that made my time on the island so very lovely. So, in an attempt to capture the beauty of the last few days...here are some of the events that unfolded...

1) Going with Rafael Bernabe to Old San Juan to have dinner with Cesar Ayala and his lovely wife in their beautiful apartment, drinking coco chichaito with them after dinner, and running through the rain to El Batey to enjoy the jukebox with a few more drinks. (And learning that the those that can really hold their drinks on the island are the professors).

2) Spending countless days on the UPR campus to the point where I begin to feel like a student. And making countless new friends campus-wide, regardless of whether they were in "Beverly Hills" or "Disney" or "Vietnam."

3) More discussions with the family-- is it a fruit, grain, or vegetable? And really trying to crack the dilemma of which came first-- the chicken or the egg.

4) Confusing the biblioteca and liberia with Joel on the phone. "But I'm standing right out front. Where are you?" And Alexandra coming to our rescue as a translator.

5) Sharing sake with Mario and having dinner with the family at Great Taste.

6) Going to Old San Juan with Carlos, Noelia, and Mario. Making new friends. Dancing. Adventures in lip gloss. Hot dogs at 4:00am. Almost making it to the sunrise.

7) Drinking with Joel, Miguel, and Juan at Vidy's in Rio Piedras before Manic Monday.

8) Not going home after Vidy's before Manic Monday at the Cafe.

9) Dancing with Santos at Manic Monday.

10) Waking up in Jorell's car after Manic Monday, confused.

11) Discovering the pictures Jorell took at Manic Monday.

12) Spending Tuesday, after Manic Monday, with Joel.

13) Listening to Jorell and Magaly make fun of me over dinner on Tuesday.

14) Attending my last Anti Sociales show of the trip at Nuestro Son and having a beer bought for me from across the bar.

15) The trip to Barceloneta with Jorell, Miguel and Lukas. Balancing my own frustrations over protest tactics and meeting people from the community of Boca. A man who is fighting to save his house saying to me, "Thank you. Thank you for coming here today."

16) Dinner with Ralph at Cherry Blossom, while laughing hysterically about how you never know what you are gonna get with you unwrap that package.

17) Dinner and drinks with Carlos, while analyzing every character and episode of Mad Men.

18) Spending the entire afternoon and early evening at the beach with Joel, then having dinner at Danny's, and listening to Prince, Janet and The Modern Lovers into the night.

19) My last night out on the town with some of my best friends-- Jorell, Magaly, Mario, Carlos, Noelia, Egie, and Diego at the Cafe, then in Santurce, watching Superaquello at La Respuesta, an impromptu dance party as the bar closed down, meeting El Ochi, drinking and playing dominoes with Mario, Maria, and Diego, going for an early morning swim in my clothes, and waking up covered in sand. And then finding out how Mario spent his morning.

20) Having a final dinner with the family including Egie and Diego at Danny's, while just about everyone complained of headaches and dehydration and poor service. Watching The Onion movie.

21) Playing the "gnome" in the pickles prank on Jorell and capturing most of it on video.

And the next few events were not highlights, as much as soul shattering...I'll never forget saying these goodbyes...

22) Saying goodbye to Magaly Colon before she went to her first day of classes. While I tried to be so tough, when I saw Jorell peak around the corner of the hallway while I hugged Magaly...I broke.

23) Having a last breakfast with Carlos at the French restaurant, wondering why you can't get good Puerto Rican bread in Atlanta, and taking a 6-pack to the beach and planning for my next visit.

24) Meeting Joel at the beach and receiving the thoughtful gifts of a starfruit and an old photograph.

25) Saying goodbye to Jorell and Mario and crying my eyes out-- and the taxi driver saying to me, "I'm so sorry."

26) Losing complete control over my tear ducts while the plane lifted off the island of Puerto Rico.

I couldn't have asked for a more productive and memorable summer. I couldn't have asked for the opportunity to spend it with lovelier or generous people. I couldn't have asked to learn more than I did this past summer in a place so beautiful and complicated all at the same time. I can't help but feel as if my life has changed as a result...in ways I can never quite explain. At least not quite yet. But I thank you all for everything, for inspiring me, and mostly for making me believe again.

Final Two Weeks

Pictures from July 10th to 19th

I know I've been promising these pictures for weeks now, but here you go. Some pictures from piquetes at UPR and some from the 18 Julio general marcha. Enjoy. And final two weeks blog post arriving later tonight. Videos will be posted last.

Puerto Rico July 10 to July 19

Have you heard my theory on time-travel? The past ten days on the island.

More data. More photographs. More videos. More interviews. The last ten days have been action-packed. Here is a quick list of happenings in the the last ten days, including Arthur's visit to the island. Now, the countdown begins. 13 more days. Today, Jorell and Magaly told me they aren't at good at goodbyes...well that makes three of us. It shall be painful. Perhaps I should start planning that return trip now...and ensuring I see everyone in New York for Thanksgiving and rock n' roll.

1. Exploring Santurce with Jason Mena, particularly the part where we drank a Medalla on the curb outside of the gas station and ate an almond from the almond tree we were sitting beneath.

2. The misinterpretation of the status update: "Not funny, Mario. Not funny, at all."

3. Watching the final World Cup game with Magaly and Jorell.

4. Enjoying the campus of the UPR, while sitting in the library, outside the theatre, and conducting interviews.

5. Having the opportunity to be broody on the island.

6. Going to Old San Juan with Carlos, discussing plans for his next film project, getting stuck (yet again, by the rain under an awning), experiencing The Office (including the special whiskey and delightful food), and getting a little lost.

7. Meeting new friends, like Ezequiel, Miguel, Joel, and Bryan.

8. Arthur's arrival.

9. Sitting in the apartment during a storm with the power out with only candles to light the place and listening to the upstairs neighbor play his piano.

10. Taking Art to the Cafe (103) with Jorell and Egie. Becoming U.M.B (aka ultra.mega.brooders) and also remembering to take home the umbrella (only to leave it out at the bar a couple of nights later). Dancing and c-c-c-combobreaking.

11. Taking Art to Old San Juan.

12. The three rock shows: Un Final Fatal, Campio Formio, and Anti-Sociales.

13. "Hey Sexy Wassup"

14. The attempted beach trip to Guilligan's Island with Magaly, Jorell, Art, Noelia and Carlos. After many failed starts, we finally arrived (after driving through the weather coming from the water tornado in Mayaguez) to discover the ferry was sold out. While drinking beer at the nearby and odd Rasta painted bar, the sun returned...so we instead spent the afternoon at the nearby beach, Playa Cana Gorda. Spending hours in the ocean, while drinking Medalla simultaneously was delightful. Aww, the memories and laughter.

15. Listening to Edward Sharpe with Art in my room, after a few too many drinks.

16. The UPR piquete at the tower and the general march on July 18th. (See photo above from the general march).

17. Planning numerous pranks...whether involving religion, steaks, police, or pillows.

18. Drinking frozen margaritas and swimming in the rain with Arthur before he left today.

I now embark on my final two weeks on the island. Fieldwork will occupy most of this week, but you can bet your ass I'm going to Manic Monday next week. I'm hoping for dance party. I'm also hoping to see Culebra or Vieques.

And an anecdote, Art and I met a woman on the beach today when it was raining. For some unknown reason, she explained to us that she arrived here 13 months ago for a short trip. And she never left. She called a friend to have her two dogs put on a plane for here. Hmmm.

Now, Arthur...would you do me a favor? Prepare Sabine and Igor for a plane ride?

(Pictures and video to follow in the next couple of days...)

Wait, they have light switches and paper towel dispensers in Puerto Rico? Que, queeeeee?

As I make my way through Week 3 of my field research here in Puerto Rico, I find myself nervous that time is starting to slip away. Week 4 begins on Monday. In terms of my "work" here, I've attended three protests, documented and acquired data on the police brutality at El Capitolio, assemblies, and the movements at both UPR and Escuela de Artes Plastica. I've gone to several art museums. I've made contacts within both the art and academic worlds here. I've interviewed five people, with five more scheduled over the weekend and the beginning of next week. And more exciting than that, I've started to hone in on more specific research questions and areas of interest. I've found myself using the terms "manifestation" and "investigation" to describe the work I'm doing. I've been able to hold my own in terms of discussing the issues present within the movements and struggles here on the island (though unfortunately, not in Spanish). Ultimately, I've made real progress here with my intended purposes. As each day passes, I realize how important it is to study these issues here. Only here can I have access to the information and networks necessary to begin to understand the complexity of these struggles and the lives implicated in the struggles.

And it hasn't been all work and no play, I've had a blast too. So, let's count down some of the wonderful happenings from the last week and a half...and then you can enjoy some of the pictures...

1. Exploring Old San Juan, Escuela de Artes Plastica, Nacional Galeria, and record shopping with Calin.

2. Attending the protest at the police headquarters in reaction to the violence at El Capitolio.

3. Watching two, not one, World Cup games with Carlos and Noelia and their lovely friends.

4. Turning a Sunday night into Manic Sunday at Cafe 103 with Magaly, Jorell, and Egie.

5. Watching Sunday night turn into Monday morning with Egie and Ralph at Cafe 103, while drinking a few too many combobreakers and still talking shit about drinking Egie under the table.

6. NOT being inundated with nationalism, narratives of independence, and fireworks on the 4th of July.

7. Deciding that Arthur simply must come visit and making the proper arrangements for it to happen.

8. Snowball Sampling from UPR professors and other activists in the movement.

9. More lovely and entertaining dinners with my family here. Thanks to Magaly's incredible skills in the kitchen. Thanks to Mario's ability to flip pancakes. Thanks to Jorell's kitchen assisting skills.

10. Conquering the war against mosquitoes...and sleeping soundly without their feasting upon my flesh.

11. Conquering bus transportation, at least to Old San Juan...but not back, yet.

12. Discussions with my family here and their lovely friends about any number of interesting topics: Reptile people, Time Travel, Gentrification, Linguistics, Authority. And then comparing them always to LOST and Battlestar Galactica.

13. Exploring the campus of UPR with Carlos, meeting his colleagues, having a delightful lunch from "the vegetarian people", learning that they have light switches here on the island,and conducting two fantastic interviews.

14. Taking the day off, every so often, to enjoy the beach.

15. Experiencing the ups and downs of internet access, including the moment when all of us were able to access wireless and Mario's hilarious chat suggestions.

16. Feeling like something between a tourist and a resident.

As I said early on, I fear that time is starting to slip away. I start my 4th week on Monday. I'm already nostalgic. I'm already missing the people. I'm already missing the food. I'm already missing the language and the dirty words I've learned. I'm already missing the streets I walk daily. I'm already missing my family here. While I undoubtedly know I'll be back soon, I hadn't expected to feel quite so "at home" here. I hadn't expected to not feel homesick.

When I talked with Jennie Ann on the phone earlier, she recounted the details of when I made the decision to study here. We were sitting in an overpriced hot tub at the Caribe Hilton. We were scheduled to leave the island that day, on my first trip here. And I said, "There just has to be a way for me to stay." While I said these words enjoying the privileges of being a tourist, I had no idea the wonderful experiences that I would gain from spending my summer here.

And onwards, I travel into the second half of my field work and time here, while I scratch a mosquito bite and raise a toast of Medalla to the wonderful friends and family I've made here.

Puerto Rico July 1 to July 9

"Now the ocean speaks and spits and I can hear it from the interstate. And I'm screaming at my brother on a cellphone, he is far away. And I'm saying nothing in the past or the future will ever feel like today." -Bright Eyes