The Year of Courage, 2015: A Year in Review

The Year of Courage, 2015: A Year in Review

"Let me be brave." - Clara Oswald, Doctor Who

It is the morning of December 31, 2015. I am awake at 8:30am. I am drinking coffee without the slightest of hangovers. I am snuggling with Igor. There is an amazing man still slumbering in my bed upstairs. I've been messaging with Ashley. Or, in other words, #blessed, #recovery, #lotsoflove #itsbeenalongyear, #ithasbeenanamazingyearforme.


Without a doubt, 2015 will be a turning point year for me.

I went from being a "her" to being a "me." Now, I know, this sounds crazy to some of you, but it is true. In the past, I always sat a little outside of myself, just off to the side. I wasn't connected to me, but rather, I saw myself as performing some version of who "Katherine." Like, I had double vision, where I was blurry, almost two blurry versions of myself...but little by little this year, they've come into focus. To become a singular me. But maybe even more than that, I am realizing that ME has value. I deserve things. I deserve good things. This also means that I'm far less apt to give my time to people who don't value me.

Yeah, I know....2015 has been like an exercise in self help.
But guess what, I'm happy now. I mean, most of the time.

#recovery is fucking hard. It is a daily battle. But, it is getting easier. Because, now, safety and trust and deservingness are becoming more of a habit. But there are some fucking days, I just want to pull the covers over my head or run away from this lovely man in my life or tell the girls that I don't want to talk. BUT, I'm trying to be brave. To be vulnerable and bad ass all at the same time. To put on my cape while also saying, "Hey, I'm afraid you might hurt me." And like Clara Oswald said, "Let me be brave." I need to be brave. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

In review of the year, here's what happened:

1. Obviously, the DISSERTATION. I was reviewing what I wrote last year on this date and completing the dissertation was priority two. I'll get to priority one, which is actually quite sad in retrospect. I started January with a #31daysofdissertating. I started a habit of writing for the first two hours of the day. And now, it is done. I'm still in a little bit of shock that I'm officially Dr. Everhart. I'm still lost some days when I don't have to get up and pull up those files and try to hammer out two hours of writing.

2. It hasn't been all roses this year. The year started by my family losing one of our best, Brad Stafford. I remember that it was a couple of days after Christmas that we discovered that Brad had liver cancer. And it took a toll on the family. It was so hard on my mother. And it pained me that I couldn't be closer to her. I've certainly realized this year how much it means to be close to your family. Now, let's not get carried away here...I don't want to live in Charlotte. But I would like to be closer one day. That being said, when I was faced with the financial difficulty of trying to get back home to be with my family for Brad's memorial, I came to realize just how amazing my department here can be. Without my knowledge, they circulated an email asking people to donate to a fund to get me home. They raised enough money to buy me a round trip ticket home so I could be there with my mom. It still makes me weepy to think of that generosity and how supportive they've been. I think of Brad often. In my living room, I have a picture of him playing baseball as a child. He was so amazing. I think we will always miss him, without a doubt. If you feel so inclined, here is a link to my eulogy.

3. Health and Self Care. This was another resolution for 2015. And I must say, I've done a stellar job of it this year. I've started exercising again, even if sometimes that means drinking wine while riding my exercise bike. I started yoga, which has been absolutely amazing for my mind and body. I get a massage every three weeks with a really great massage therapist who just gets what I need. And, I mean, come on, y'all. BATHS. BATHS. BATHS.

4. THERAPY. I mean, seriously, y'all, this has been so important to me this year. I started therapy in July of this past year. Some sessions are rough, rough, rough. Some sessions make me feel like my therapist is giving me a gold star for being so brave. But this I know, my life has changed so significantly because of the work we are doing together. My therapist is kind and patient. She never judges me, even when I'm suggesting something so very far fetched. Because she knows, I'll get there. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but eventually. I tell my students often about going to therapy. Most of my colleagues think it is quite strange that I share so much of my personal trials and tribulations with my students. However, I have spent most of my life struggling with some of the same core issues. And I can't help but sometimes be a little pissed off that my life might have looked very different if I had started the road to recovery much earlier. BUT, in a typical Milan Kundera fashion, I dare not spend too much time thinking about my other lives. I mean, like Rami might say, "Nobody knowsssss." And it is true, BUT, the important part for me is to model to my students how I navigate all of this. To let them know that therapy doesn't mean you are a damaged person, but rather, it means you are so very strong. And that therapy is good for everyone, not just when you are the bottom desperately clawing your way back up.

5. Relationships. Okay, so I saved this for number five. Not because it wasn't as important, but mostly because it was a result of the items that came before. All the health, self care, and therapy drastically started to change my intimate relationships.

Last night, when I reviewed my journals from the past year, I saw that my first priority for the year had to do with Manny, my ex. I wrote that one of my resolutions was to learn to trust him more. For those of you that know about our relationship, this is #funnynotfunny. For those of you that don't know, Manny and I were in a long distance thing on and off for about three years. I'd see him maybe once or twice a year. It was good at times. And it was very bad at other times. When I look back on it now, I don't want to place blame. Though, I'm often still very angry. I think what is best to say is that we were two people very ill-suited for each other. We were two people with so many walls and defenses up that we were never able to really ever say what we needed from each other, but instead, it was an endless cycle of shame, blame, distrust, fear, and lashing back at each other in very aggressive and very passive ways. It was NOT healthy. As you know, I'm not someone who often regrets. And I don't regret my relationship with Manny. But I do regret that I let this cycle between us go on for so many years. It was incredibly hard to put an end to it. We had become habit for each other. But then, it happened. I wanted so desperately to learn how to trust someone else and for the umpteenth time, this was violated. It reaffirmed everything that I've thought about myself. And at that moment, I realized, "No. You have to stop this. This hurts too much." And I did.

I also went through an awkward tinder phase. It was entertaining. But ultimately, really unsatisfying.

And then there was...that one. When I first moved to Flagstaff, I felt crazy alone. I felt like I was out here on my own with little connection to my life back in Nashville. And there was this one man who helped keep me tethered to the world. He wrote to me every day, inquiring about my life here. I needed that. But then, it turned into something else. It wasn't my finest moment. And yes, in retrospect, I look back and realize just how flawed it was. But alas, this is what you learn in therapy. You start to pull back the layers and see something for what it really is. Undoubtedly, I've come to see him for who he really is, but at the same time, I want to recognize just how important he was for my growth. He was one of the first men EVER to call me on my shit. Because he SAW me. And then he asked me: "Why are you doing this?" A very emotional day in Nashville in June, this question forced me to see myself. I thought to myself, why AM I doing this? And then, I opened the deep dark recesses of my mind. And then, there was therapy. And then, there was a realization that this relationship was not healthy for me. And so, I have to thank him for that. Because I learned what it really is that I WANT in a relationship.

And it wasn't just amorous relationships...I stood my ground in my friendships too. I learned how to set boundaries with friends. I eliminated stressful and negative relationships.

And of course, now, there's a new relationship...more on that later.

6. The girls. The entire recovery process would not have been able to really happen without the girls. After that fateful day in June, my emotions were raw and terrifying. I was staying at Carly's place...and I was sort of dramatically flung on a bed crying my eyes out. My hands were shaking. I was starting to have some very huge realizations about myself. Really fucking scary realizations. And the girls reached out to me. We didn't have plans to get together that night, but they saw I needed them. Ashley picked me up and we headed over to Michelle's. We sat on the stoop and I let them see me, like REALLY SEE me. I said things I've never said to anyone. And they held my hand and listened and told me how proud they are of me. They realized I was about to embark on an amazing, yet arduous, journey. And it was really that moment on the stoop that propelled me to get better. We also started a group chat on Viber called "Trifecta." It is like this safe haven. No matter what is happening, we know we can go there, send a message and at least one of us is available. I am so thankful for this. It makes me feel like they are always close by, cheering me on.

7. Nicki Minaj and Beyonce.

8. Watching Baseball at Picazzos. Hell, just Picazzos in general. I'm sure going to miss Gilbert when he departs for a new adventure.

9. My road trips. There were so many last year. I've realized just how important it is for me to travel at least once a month. Last year, I spent time down in the valley for spring training. And subsequently, so many other baseball trips-- Las Vegas, Salt Lake City. Thank goodness spring training is just around the corner.

10. My newest nephew, Jack. I finally got to meet him at Christmas. And I'm totally in love with him. So absolutely beautiful.

11. #HolidazeRoadTrip and Rami. Yes, yes, yes, you know. You've seen. I'm all goofy and silly and swooning over a man these days. Yes, it is out of character for me. But perhaps, what is the most out of character is the man I've chosen to do this with. I told my therapist about him. She said to me, "So, what happened? Your picker must be off. You've chosen a man very different from all the others." And she is right. He is so very different. And exactly what I need right now. Plus, y'all, omg, he is soooooooooooo cute. But mostly, I love these small moments that we have together. Like, when we were on the road, it was about 8pm at night. Pitch black everywhere. No gas station in sight. We were on fumes in the rental car. It was 16 degrees outside. We were stressed. We were sitting quietly, both fretting. I think he was praying and I was just thinking, WTF are we going to do? I pulled off an exit where there was suppose to be gas. It was so dark, I wasn't sure where the road was...and we were both exhausted. Rami said, "Why you go this way? This is wrong! Turn that way!" And I yelled back, "I don't know where we are! How am I suppose to know?" I think we both wanted to strangle each other at that moment. We found our way back to the interstate. We drove in silence for another 15 miles, as the gas light blinked over and over again. Somehow, we made it. After we filled up the gas tank, we got back on the road. And within a few short moments, the two of us were laughing hilariously about how freaked and tense we were. Now, we keep laughing about it. And I think that's it....I'm pretty sure we could laugh our way through anything. But again, he's also reallllllllllly cute too.


2015. You kicked my ass. But I love you for it. Because I feel #blessed today. I feel like I am being seen and heard, not just by the people in my life, but most importantly, by myself.

So, cheers to all of you. I hope you have an amazing new year. And remember, be brave my darlings, particularly, all the bad ass/boss ass bitches in my life. Because YOU are amazing. And you are what remind me to be brave, everyday.

Conjectures: Katherine's 13th Annual Mix, 2014

 

Conjectures: Katherine's 13th Annual Mix, 2014

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them unimportant." -11th Doctor, Doctor Who

I don't know where to begin. I think it suffices to say that 2014 was a year of change and transition, or in a manner of speaking, a year of conjectures. As you are probably aware, the biggest transition was my move from Nashville to Flagstaff. After six years in Nashville, I packed up a truck and drove across the country to start a new life in a new place. And honestly, it has been bittersweet. It should come as no surprise that everything about this mix is tied to that moment, because if anything, 2014 was about that moment. From the seemingly endless job market to the official acceptance of a new position, this transition was woven into the fabric of my year. 

I can remember celebrating the New Year with Ashley and Michelle and all the lovely folks of the Germantown neighborhood, thinking, "This will likely be the last New Year we get to all spend together." And it became a joke (in that, every time I did ANYTHING, I said, "But, what if it is the last time?), but it always felt all too true. And then, one day, it was the last time.

 I plan to post my annual "A Year in Review" post closer to the new year; however, until then...here is the annual mix, complete with my typical banter about each song, some lyrics, and a few videos.

1. I Know It’s Wrong (But That’s Alright): Hurray for the Riff Raff

Unfortunately, I only happened upon Hurray for the Riff Raff in the last month. I say unfortunately, because I could listen to them 22 hours a day and never feel bored (or, as my students might write, “board”). As typical in my "end of the year lists," there is generally a  band that I’ve only just heard of that shapes the transition from one year to the next. I have no doubt that this is the band that will do this for me. Absolutely amazing. 

“The sun is laughing in my face, shining its light on my mistakes,

You could be my Adam, I’ll be your summertime,

I’ll feed you watermelon off the vine, I know it’s wrong, but that’s alright.”

2.     Head Underwater: Jenny Lewis

I suppose if I was going to have a theme song for 2014, it would be this one. It reminds me of the feelings I had about leaving Nashville and moving to Flagstaff. It reminds me of all the heartbreaks that implied. It reminds me of that one afternoon in July, when you stopped by after work, walked into my apartment, and we danced in the living room...although I knew we shouldn’t have been doing any of that. Or, when we sat at that bar in Albuquerque. Because, there’s a little bit of magic in all of you. Every single one of you. It certainly reminds me of many thing I knew I shouldn't have done, but I did. And I don't regret one single moment. Because all of these moments are beautiful, no matter how weird, complicated, awkward, and well, fleeting. 

“I’ve been wearing all black, since the day it started,

When I stopped and looked back, as my mind departed,

I’ve been losing sleep and I cannot sleep still

I’m not the same woman that you were used to...

There’s a little bit of magic, everybody has it,

There’s a little bit of sand left in the hourglass, 
There’s a little bit of magic,

Everybody has it.” 

3.     How: Regina Spektor

And, the heartbreak anthem. This one reminds me of 37208. It might be weird to dedicate a song like this to a neighborhood, but you know, I was in love with Germantown...and everything about it. And furthermore, it is hard to imagine ever loving a neighborhood and the people in it as much as I loved it. 

We will meet again somehow, my darlings. 

4.     Blue Eyes: Paul Baribeau

There’s miles in between, miles between… Yup, I can’t help it, but I miss you all the time, no matter the color of your eyes, my darling. 

5.     My Silver Lining: First Aid Kit

 If there ever is a song about my move, this is the one…

“I don’t want to wait anymore, I’m tired of looking for answers,

Take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter,

I don’t know if I’m scared of dying but I’m scared of living too fast, too slow,

Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no, I’ve got to go,

There’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races one,

And you've just gotta keep on keeping on…” 

6.     Violent Shiver: Benjamin Booker

I mean, Benjamin Booker, come on. Have you heard him? Have you seen him?

  

7.     Today and a Lonely Night: Justin Townes Earle 
Y'all know I heart JTE. He will always be Nashville to me. After moving, it took me a couple of months before I could listen to any of his music. I would hear his voice and the sadness I felt about leaving the city behind was too much. But I remember one day, I was walking around Flagstaff listening to his latest album. And this song played and it reminded me of how much I miss and love about that town. But how, sometimes, we also need to move somewhere new to start over again. Always, knowing we'll be back some day.
 

“I’ve been thinking of going West, just to climb up as high as I can get...I know inside, I’ll find my way back to this city tonight, feel the ground shake as the train goes by and not a star in the sky…” 

8.     You Are Your Mother’s Child: Conor Oberst

To all the beautiful babies out there part of my life, particularly my nephew Emmett and niece Rowan. I love watching the two of you grow up. 

9.     Cold Hands: Ezra Furman

I’m pretty sure I’m incapable of making any mix without the past three artists; however, out of all of them, Ezra belongs on every single mix. And honestly, the sentiment with this one works. 

“No particular pleasure to measure up to the pain. I want to be held in your cold hands.”

10.  History Eraser: Courtney Barnett

 I don’t know anything about Courtney Barnett. She is one of those last moment additions, as I came across her music recently. I love EVERY SINGLE THING about this song. 

“I got drunk and fell asleep atop the sheets,
but luckily I left the heater on.

And in my dreams I wrote the best song that I’ve ever written,
Can’t remember how it goes. 

I stayed drunk and fell awake

And I was cycling on a plane 
and faraway I heard you say you liked me.

We drifted to a party—cool. The people went to arty school.

They made their paints by mixing acid wash and lemonade.

In my brain I rearrange the letters on the page to spell your name.

I found an Ezra Pound and made a bet that if I found a cigarette,

I’d drop it all and marry you.

Just then a song comes on: “You can’t always get what you want,” 
the Rolling Stones, oh woe is we, the irony..."

11.   Forgiven/Forgotten: Angel Olsen 

My love affair with Angel Olsen continues.

“If there’s one thing I fear, there’s one thing I fear is knowing you’re around, so close but not near, so close, but not with me here. So close, but not with me here.” 

12.  When I’m Gone: Caitlin Rose

Leaving behind the place that became your hometown is hard. Leaving behind your friends and family is hard. There is no doubt about that. But, I think another difficult part may be leaving behind people that you grew close to in the hectic months before your departure. You know, they aren't the ones that shaped the years you lived in the neighborhood, but rather, people you find yourself getting closer to, when you know better. And no matter how much you may try to keep distance, they come into your life so rapidly, right before you are leaving to start a new life somewhere else. But you throw caution to the wind. You try to soak up every moment, knowing the days are numbered. And more than that, you know that when you leave, they'll be but a fleeting memory of the hazy days when you use to run around that old neighborhood. 

“Thinking, I’ve been thinking about leaving this old town behind,

I’ll beg and borrow, to leave tomorrow,

Find all my sorry, and take it back.

Come on, you can sleep when I’m gone.

I was lying when I said there’s plenty of time…

Lying, I’ve been lying,

I’ve been lying around with the dogs in this town too long…”

13.  Tennessee: Gillian Welch

You didn’t think we could make it through this year’s mix without a song by Gillian about Tennessee, did you? 

14.  No One Else: Hurray for the Riff Raff 

I want to drink the red wine until our lips are stained purple and dance with you in the kitchen to this song. 

15.  Slippery Slopes: Jenny Lewis

Seriously, Jenny Lewis, get out of my head.

16.  My Dear Acquaintance: Regina Spektor

Happy New Year, my darlings. Cheers to another beautiful year, full of sunshine and joy. Keep those that you love close by and embrace every single beautiful moment. And is there a better way to end the annual mix than a cover of a Peggy Lee (is that all there is?) by Regina Spektor? 

Here's how to access the mix for your personal listening pleasure. There are several options:

1) Subscribe to the mix on Spotify. Here is the link: Conjectures: Katherine's 13th Annual Mix, 2014

2) Watch and listen all the songs on YouTube. Here is the link: Conjectures: Katherine's 13th Annual Mix, 2014

3) Or, if you'd like a hard copy of the mix and/or cover art, send me a message via email/Face/tumblr with your address and I'll send you a copy for the holidays.

2013: You've Gotta Keep Moving...End of the Year Blog

2013: You've Gotta Keep Moving...End of the Year Blog

“We all change, when you think about it, we are all different people all through our lives and that’s okay that’s good you’ve gotta keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be.” -11^th Doctor (Matt Smith) in Time of the Doctor

 At the end of year, I have a tradition of writing up an “end-of-the-year” blog in which I attempt to capture the happenings of the past year, as well as to begin thinking ahead to the types of changes I would like to see in the coming year. At the end of 2012, I do believe I wrote a “love letter” to the year that included the words, “pal carajo.” Because, well, 2012 kicked my ass. 2013 was quite different. I found my way. And I sit here on the last couple of nights of the year, thinking about what has changed in the past year, all the hard decisions I have made in my personal life, all the progress I have made in my career, and all the unknowns that are spread out before. 

So, cheers, we begin another year, and here is what took place last year…

1.    I spent a lot of time juicing, making paletas, and hula hooping.

2.   Once I learned how to eat my feelings, in contrast to drinking them, I reached a place where I literally split my pants. After the fact, I sang the Young MC song for days.

3.   My academic career took me to many great places…an ethnography conference in Chicago, an invited plenary session about the statehood vote of Puerto Rico, Atlanta for the Southerns, New York for the ASAs, and well, Sydney, which deserves its very own acknowledgement.

4.   I saw 20 minor leagues baseball games during the past season, mostly thanks to Michelle. I saw games in Nashville, but also in Staten Island, Coney Island, Virginia Beach, and Memphis. The baseball extravaganza also involved attending batting practice with the Nashville Sounds courtesy of Michelle. Then, there was that weird incident where Ozzie (the mascot) started following me on Twitter.

5.    I found out that my heart skips a beat more than most people.

6.   I had the chance to teach two classes for my mentor for approximately three weeks, which reminded me of just how much I really love the career I have chosen.

7.   The girls left the neighborhood. Then, the girls returned to the neighborhood.

8.   My brother, John, got engaged to my soon-to-be-sister-in-law, Jessica.

9.   I ate many new foods, such as bone marrow, alligator, kangaroo, and emu.

10.  I fell in love with Miranda July, Junot Diaz (even more than I was), Lena Dunham, Sandra Cisneros, and Tao Lin.

11. I also fell in love with Doctor Who, Breaking Bad, and the Walking Dead.

12.  We lost three of the greatest musicians the world has ever known: Jason Molina, Lou Reed, and last, but certainly not least, Dave from Sticky.

13.  I was cited, published a couple of times, and applied to more jobs than I care to remember. In addition, I also received my first two inquires for jobs interviews. I was also accepted to present my research at the International Sociological Association’s World Congress in Yokohama, Japan next year.

14.   In addition to my academic successes, it was a year of rejections, from fellowships to grants to jobs to publications.

15. I had the chance to see Caitlin Rose and Jason Isbell with Michelle, Justin Townes Earle with Allison, Desaparecidos with Erin B., and particularly, Cyndi Lauper with myself.

16.  Allison and I took a weekend.

17.   I ate at a TGI Fridays and a Wafflehouse.

18.   Sydney.

19.   My brother, Taylor, graduated from college with his nursing degree.

20.  The many, many lovely neighborhood parties in Germantown, from the celebration of 2013 to Garden Tours to Oktoberbest to the Holiday Party. I’ve also loved getting to know all my fantastic neighbors, particularly, the one and only, President of Germantown, Robbie.

21.  I dealt with some very difficult situations, where I feared I would lose some of the most important people in my life. I also was forced to interact with the most bat shit crazy person that exists in all of New Jersey, well and the world for that matter.

22.   While trying to figure out how to enter the dating world, I overcorrected, then undercorrected, compartmentalized, invested little to receive little return on my investment. I also realized my intuition is pretty spot on when it comes to potential partners. 

23.   I noted how curiously similar the dating world is to both the job market and the lottery.

24.   More than several times, I wrote the following on my social media pages: “I never learn” and “Reckless Abandon.” Apparently, I like making mistakes, without too much foresight.

25.  One of my favorite quotes of the year came from Michelle when she said to me over brunch, “To a hermit, you are like the circus.”

26.   And because RuPaul’s Drag Race has the greatest of all quotes, I leave you with these:

“Don’t try it little boy.”

“Hot garbage.”

“You shady bitch!”

“I-am-not-bothered.com”

“Get a grip, get a life, and get over it.”

And my own personal rendition, 

“Girl, you better sissy that manuscript.”

27.  I learned to “guffaw” and “scoff” too much.

28.  I decided to start the year over with a clear heart, even if this meant making tough decisions.

29.   Last year, I got my first two tattoos. This year, I did something else that I had never done, twice. And no, I don’t regret that either.

30.  On the last day of 2012, Michelle, Ashley, and I made a list of the things we wanted to eliminate from our lives in 2013. As I began to write out my list for 2014, I realized there are many items that remain on my list, but perhaps more importantly, I also realized how much progress I’ve made in the past year. Yes, I must say, 2013, I learned how to just be myself.