19 June 2015

I See You: Reflections on A Trip to Nashville

Since I moved to Flagstaff last August, I've found myself looking around to find my Nashville places in Flagstaff. Oh, The McMillan, that's my Silo in Flagstaff. Oh, The Campus Coffee Bean, that's my Red Bicycle in Flagstaff. Oh, BunHuggers, that's my Cowboy Kewl in Flagstaff. Obviously, leaving behind Nashville, but more specifically, Germantown, has not been easy for this ol' gal.

I did not have a chance to visit my old home until 10 months after I left. In May, I breezed into town for a mere two days in a whirlwind trip. When I left, I cried my little eyes out, missing all the faces and places. When I returned to Flagstaff, I made a decision to come for a longer visit. A 10 day visit. Oh, those fateful 10 days...

Those 10 days were something. It was intense. It was sweet. It was sad. It was nostalgic. It was weird. But when I finally left (which I was luckily able to do, since my wallet got nabbed while I was there), I was okay with leaving. Now don't get me wrong, I heart heart heart Nashville (well, Germantown); but, I think I grew to accept that it isn't where I live anymore. I assume some of this has to do with the fact that two of my bestest friends there will be leaving in the next couple of months, as well as most of my grad school friends will not end up living there. And so, Nashville, as I know it, will look very different when I return next. I suspect in the future, I might spend more time there. Hell, I might even return before too long. But for now, I know that it is good that I'm in Flagstaff. And I intend to embrace Flagstaff for what it is, without trying to discover the Nashville in it. THIS is a big step for me.

So, what happened? You know me, I'm not one to give too many details...so, I'll just give a quick rundown before I get into the reason for this particular post.

Cancelled Flight. Rebooked. Missed Shuttle. Rebooked. Late Arrival. Allison. Silo. Ben and Charles. Brunch at Mad Donnas. My Koozie. Kick Ball. Rosepepper Cantina. You Stupid Ass Bitch. Chronology. Kickball. That One. Silo. My Girls. Jack Browns. Late Nights. Lyfts. Sophie. Afternoons. Carly's House. Taco Mamacita. Movie Night. Germantown. Germantown. Germantown. Stairs. O'Reillys. Silo. Sandra. Jack Browns. Heath. Nice White People. Silo. Lost Backpacks. Lunches at the Cafe. A BREAKDOWN. Ashley and Michelle. Realizations. South Street and Pork Shoulders. Stoop Time. Zeke and Troy. GLAAD CMA festival. Play. Kicked Out. Kellis. Get Robbed. Pedestrian Bridge. Downtown. Flowers. Saying Goodbye to the Trifecta. Silo. Jack Browns. Cafe. Silo. Kelly. Grand Gestures. Brunch at Marche. Pool Day. Silo. West End with Allison. OITNB. Pool Day. Baseball Game.

But yes, right there in the middle at "BREAKDOWN" is the moment when things changed rather drastically for me. I might call it breakdown, but it probably more accurately is a breakthrough.

I don't want to get into the details, but some shit went down. I hurt someone. And for the first time, in so many years, I felt bad about it. As I tried to apologize, I found myself explaining myself, but in the rawest way I ever had. Because, see, this person is someone that I care about so much that I couldn't just mail it in. No, he could see through all of that. Looking at myself like that for the first time in so many years was painful. Luckily for me, two of my bestest friends were in close proximity and changed their plans so we could talk it out. And that is just what we did. We cried it out. We talked it out. And I remember a conversation about being seen by someone. Like really being seen, without all your bullshit and boundaries and walls and all that fucked up shit. But, rather, someone seeing you and calling you on it. For the first time in so many years, someone called me on my bullshit.

I can't lie. Its much more complicated than that. But I do know this, I learned so much about myself during this trip. And I can't help but thank two of my bestest girlfriends for allowing me to talk through these realizations, and to you, for calling me on my bullshit and making me look in the mirror. You see right through me. And I thank you for it.

"Defend my honor, protect my pride. The good advice, I always hated. But looking back it made me greater."  -Nicki Minaj

"You see right through me.
How do you do that shit
You let me win,
You let me ride
You let me rock
You let me slide
And when they lookin'
You let me hide.
Defend my honor
Protect my pride.
The good advice
I always hated
But looking back
It made me greater.
You always told me
Forget the haters
Just get my money,
Just get my weight up.
Know when I'm lying,
Know when I'm crying
It's like you got it
Down to a science
Why am I trying
No you ain't buying,
I tried to fight it
Back with defiance.
You make me laugh
You make me hoarse
From yelling at you
And getting at you
Picking up dishes
Throwing them at you.
Why are you speaking
When no one asked you.
You see right through me.
How do you do that shit
You see right through me.
How do you do that shit
What are we doing,
Could you see through me?
Cause you say Nicki
And I say who me?
And you say no you
And I say screw you.
Then you start dressing
And you start leaving
And I start crying
And I start screaming
The heavy breathing
But whats the reason.
Always get the reaction you wanted
I'm actually fronting
I'm askin' you something
Yo, answer this question,
Class is in session,
Tired of letting
Passive aggression
Control my mind,
Capture my soul
OK your right
Just let it go.
OK you got it,
Its in the can.
Before I played it
You knew my hand.
You could turn a free throw into a goal.
Nigga got the peep hole to my soul.
You see right through me.
How do you do that shit
You see right through me.
How do you do that shit
Would you just stop looking through me
Cause I just cant take it.
No I cant take it.
You see right through me.
How do you do that shit
You see right through me.
(you see right through me baby)."