Redemption: Katherine's 16th Annual Mix 2017

“Let loss reveal it.” –Florence & The Machine

Last year's mix began: “For most of my life, I’ve been somewhere in between. I AM THE IN BETWEENS. But I’m starting to get tired of that. I’m ready to belong. I’m ready to put down some roots. I’m ready for some permanency. And here’s hoping that in 2017, I find where I belong.”

It’s really hard to explain to people why the South makes sense to me. It’s the feel of the air. It’s the food. It’s the colors—all those overwhelming greens and blues. It’s the way people say hello to you when you pass each other on the street. It’s the way strangers tell you their life story while you stand in life at the gas station. It’s the architecture. I never thought of myself as someone bound to a region. But there’s something about the South that runs through my veins. It’s so subtle at times. It was the small things that I missed the most.

While I will always be so thankful for the people I shared my time with at NAU, the day I packed up my moving truck (with the help of many of those people), I felt overwhelmed. I was scared. I was terrified of what would happen next. But I knew, I was going home. I was going back to where I belonged.

Much of the mix is about finding my place. But I’d be remiss if I framed it as only about finding the place where I would live. It was also about finding my place in relationships, particularly, my relationships with partners, but maybe, so much more than that, it was about discovering my relationship with myself. Now that—THAT was messy.  Like heart-wrenching and ugly crying in a bathtub messy. There were starts. There were stops. There were uncomfortable in-between moments.

And in the middle of all of that, I found myself moving across the country. I started to rebuild a new life. I found myself alone in a big house in a new city with a new job. And then, the most magical thing happened. I started to feel strong again. I started to take care of myself again. In the first email exchange (after moving) between me and my therapist from Flagstaff, she remarked: “Look at you. You figured out what you needed. And you took care of yourself and you did it.” Susan, I’m paraphrasing, but I think that was your sentiment. I was cooking (and therefore, eating) again. I was sleeping at night. I started running.

So much of the mix is about running. Most of the songs come directly from my running playlist. Not only did running become one of the ways in which I took care of myself, but it became a pretty perfect metaphor for the work of #recovery and the processing of the relationship mess from the year. When I first started running, I could barely sustain for 30 seconds at a time. But, I kept going out there. I pushed myself to go for 45 seconds, then, a minute, then two minutes. When I first started, I never envisioned that I might be able to run a 5K. But, I dedicated myself to running every day. And, I was kind and gentle with myself. Some days would be AMAZING. And some days, would absolutely SUCK. And in these tiny small increments, I watched myself improve. It wasn’t always so easy to see it in the course of a single week, or even, a month. But how far I’ve come since August, I’m overwhelmed by the progress. And it’s that kind of lesson that I have to remember as I navigate the loss of some relationships in my life.

But also, then, you open yourself up to other relationships. At times, that might be relationships with friends. Or, relationships with romantic partners. Or, a relationship with yourself. And lastly, it might mean a relationship with a new pet. It’s all here. And while I might err on the side of brief in this blog, you’ll hear it in the music. 

Since I put together this mix in November, I kept calling it Redemption. I wasn't sure I liked the title, but it stuck. Last night, I re-read the blog for the 2016 mix. And I'll be damned. Here's how I ended it last year.

"And I am reminded… “Nothing real can be threatened, true love brought salvation back into me, with every tear came redemption, and my torturer became my remedy.” Because, the truth is, my torturer is myself. And, I am my own remedy. 

I’m ready to find my redemption, my remedy, my belonging. But in the mean time, I’ll also be patient. I’ll try to remember that love takes it time. Sometimes, life takes a crooked path. And sometimes, we have to wait. And, god knows, I'm waiting. And I'll find my belonging. And then, it will happen."  

And now, I'm so very proud of myself. I was patient. I kept fighting for it. And so, 2017 is the Year of Redemption. I came back to myself this year. 

You can find it in the following locations:

1. Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/user/bittersweetpr/playlist/1rrfeLG5gfjDzvbax04hoq

2. Apple Music Playlist
https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/redemption-katherines-16th-annual-mix-2017/pl.u-XvyZIazVNG

3. YouTube Playlist

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLQdVeReqUAy6At87XJiRpewe9s4zuYrkj

1. St. Jude: Florence + the Machine

“Maybe I’ve always been more comfortable in chaos.”

I began 2017 with him. He came to visit me in Charlotte. Things weren’t great between us, but we were trying to figure it out. At the time, I didn’t yet know I’d be moving back to TN, but we hoped. On NYE, we got dressed up. My mom took photographs of us. We went out for a fancy dinner in downtown Charlotte. We watched the fireworks downtown, surrounded by tons of people, while we held each other tightly and danced. He stayed at my mom’s house another day. We played board games and drank wine and danced to music.

Over my spring break, I was invited to visit the school where I now work. I was able to extend the trip so I could spend a couple of days with him. It was during this trip that it became apparent that things weren’t great. And within a month of that visit, we ended things. I haven’t written very much about the loss of this relationship, but, the reality is that neither one of us ended the relationship because of our own choices. Yeah, here’s your clue, think the film The Big Sick. That’s our story, with the exception of the happy ending.

It’s hard to fathom this kind of loss. Because, it doesn’t lend itself easily to moving on. See, we kept talking to each other. Because, well, we were best friends. And we were still so much in love. And while there never seemed to be a way to resolve our situation, we deluded ourselves into thinking it was possible.

So much of this past year has been about trying to navigate this loss. Learning how to grieve it, how to let go, and how to do the hard things that maybe both of us need in order to heal and move forward.

“Another conversation with no destination.

Another battle never won,

And each side is a loser.

So who cares who fired the gun?”

“And I’m learning, so I’m leaving,

And even though I’m grieving,

I’m trying to find the meaning.

Let loss reveal it.”

 

2. Hungry Ghost: Hurray for the Riff Raff

I’m absolutely in love with Alynda Segarra. Earlier today, I heard the song Pa’lante, and lost it. This song finds its way on the mix (and, prominently in the coveted second track place) for four reasons. One is because of the island of Puerto Rico and all the hardships they’ve endured this year. Two is because of how the song resonates with my own experiences. Yeah, I’ve traveled from coast to coast looking for where I belong. But also, I’ve certainly thought in the past year:  “I don’t need you anymore, so why am I standing at your door?” Third, the song reminds me of my own strength. There was a moment in 2015 when I wrote in my journal that one of my goals was to move back to the South. And from that moment onwards, I fought. I fought to get here again. And I did it. But fourth and lastly, her voice fucking slays me every single time.

“I been a lonely girl,

But I’m ready for the world…

I been nobody’s child,

So, my blood’s starting running wild.

I been a hungry ghost,

And I travelled from coast-to-coast.”

3. Rainbow: Kesha

“Yeah, maybe my head’s fucked up.

But I’m falling right back in love with being alive.”

So, if I had to pick only one song to summarize my entire year, this would be it….because it is where I am right now. There’s redemption, and the most amazing moment, when you fall back in love with your own life.

I remember the very first time I heard this song. I had just downloaded the album. I was out running on the Tweetsie Trail. I was about 2.5 miles in, I happened upon this beautiful scenery on the trail. It was a place I had never ventured to before. And then, this song started playing at the same time. And I started to cry.

I cried for all the hard work I did to get back to where I belonged. I cried for all the hard work I’ve done to process my relationships. And, I cried for how strong I felt when I was out running. I’ve probably listened to this song hundreds of times. Not just when I’m running, but also some of those late summer nights when I was sitting in the back yard with my head thrown back looking at the sky.

“I used to live in the darkness.

Dress in black, act so heartless.

But now I see that colors are everything.

Got kaleidoscopes in my hairdo,

Got back the stars in my eyes, too.

Yeah, now I see the magic inside of me.

Yeah, maybe my head’s fucked up.

But I’m falling right back in love with being alive.

Dreaming in light, light, lights,

This kitty cat lost her mind.

Been lookin’ for a star-sent sign that I’ll be alright.

Look to the skies…

I forgot how to daydream.

So consumed with the wrong things.

But in the dark, I realized this life is short.

And deep down, I’m still a child.

Playful eyes, wide and wild.

I can’t lose hope, what’s left of my heart’s still made of gold.”

However, the song has additional significance for me. Upon moving to Johnson City, I crossed (virtual) paths with an old friend. We met during our first year of college (holy crap, 23 years ago). We were close during our college years; however, life has a way of sending friends to all parts of the world. But over the past 23 years, I would occasionally hear from her. She was someone who pursued a similar career trajectory, so we would commiserate about graduate school or the job market. In August, she contacted me to ask about how I was enjoying my new city and job. And, from that moment on, we haven’t stopped talking. It wasn’t that we are only similar in term of career paths, but the more we talked about our lives, we realized we are similar in many ways. We battle some of the same demons. And so, hold tight, sweetheart, come and paint the world with me tonight.

“I’ve found a rainbow, rainbow, baby,

Trust me, I know, life is scary.

But just put those colors on, girl.

Come and play along with me tonight…

And I know that I’m still fucked up.

But aren’t we all, my love?

Darling, our scars make us who we are.

So, when the winds are howling strong,

And you think you can’t go on, hold tight, sweetheart…”

4. Endless Road: Angel Olsen

Choosing a life as an academic has meant that I’ve had little control over my life in terms of where I live. I was among the very fortunate to land my first job in Flagstaff, Arizona—a super cool little town. However, when I realized I hated being so far away from my family and desired to move back to the South, I didn’t have a ton of choices. I would just have to wait until I found another job. Academia fosters a sense of placelessness for much of your career. However, it also means you find yourself connecting with people from so many different places in which you ultimately leave. And y’all, know I’m shit with loss. That shit is hard. It was really hard to leave Flagstaff. But mostly, it was really hard to leave Yvonne. She was that smile waiting there in a place that I decided to stop and rest awhile. And I really needed Flagstaff. I wouldn’t be where I am in all my #recovery without the friendship of Yvonne, the spectacular therapy of Susan, and the love of all of my students.

“All the places I have been,

Keep calling me back again.

Down in the pines,

I hear the cold winds blow.

My heart keeps telling me,

‘Footloose and fancy-free’

And the road goes by,

And calls me as it goes.

Well, maybe somewhere there’s a someone,

Waiting there with a smile.

And maybe there’ll be a place,

To stop and rest awhile.

And maybe you weren’t meant to be,

Just a rolling stone.

And there’s a road to travel on,

That leads you back to home.”

5. Bad Liar: Selena Gomez

So, after a couple of weeks in Charlotte and Charleston, I found myself moving into a summer sublet in my old neighborhood of Germantown. And while I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I don’t think I considered the full realm of consequences to living only one block away from the 8^th Avenue North Market—and hence, two of my ex’s. Based on the location of the apartment, it meant that several times a day, I would pass by the store while trying to get anywhere else in the neighborhood. Some days, I’d stop in. Some days, I’d walk past it. But almost every single day of the summer, I’d pretend that I didn’t care. Yeah, they took up a fraction of my mind.

“I was walking down the street the other day,

‘tryna distract myself.

But then I see your face.

Oh wait, that’s someone else.

‘Tryna play it coy

‘Tryna make it disappear

But just like the battle of Troy

There’s nothing subtle here.

In my room, there’s a king size space,

Bigger than it used to be.

If you want, you can rent that place.

Call me an amenity,

Even if it’s in my dreams…

With my feelings on fire,

Guess I’m a bad liar…”

6. Phone: Lizzo

One of my absolute favorite moments of last summer was finally getting to attend Nashville PRIDE with Robbie and Russell. Lizzo performed and we danced our little (and in Russell’s case, perfect) asses off during her performance. But also, there was one night in Nashville…well, I didn’t lose my phone, but you get the point. And that night would end up being pretty pivotal in the way the rest of the year unfolded.

7. It’s a Shame: First Aid Kit

So, yeah, then, there was the other ex. And there was that one morning he wandered right back into my life. It had been a trying night, to say the least. And I had hit a wall. But that next morning, he was there to pick me up. He wrapped his arms around and took care of me until I could stand on my own. It was at that moment that I realized, while we had stopped talked to each other for a year and a half, we still really cared about each other. But we had been shitty at communicating with one another, which left us with resentment and hurt feelings. Without a doubt, our relationship is so very strange. And most people don’t get it. But, I know that no matter what, he will always be there to pick me up, dust me off, and remind me of how truly amazing I am. And for that, no matter where the road might lead us in the future, I will adore him forever.

“Lately I’ve been thinking about the past,

How there is no holding back,

No point in wasting sorrow,

On things that won’t be here tomorrow.

But you and I,

Well, we don’t need to speak,

It’s a secret that we keep…

Just say when and we’ll say goodnight…

Tell me it’s okay,

To live life this way

Sometimes I want you to stay,

I know it’s a shame….”

  

8. Headlines: Drake

So, I’m letting Headlines stand in for all my Nashville-running songs. There were many. I listened to Florence & The Machine, Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Beyonce, and Kanye West. So, instead of including Shake It Off and Stronger, I’m letting Drake say it all for me.

Over the summer, I was so anxious about all that I was processing—all the change with my job and life, but also the ex’s—that the only way I could really mitigate that anxiety was to run the stairs at the Capitol. It was something I would do occasionally when I lived in Nashville, but that summer, I went every single day. I’d walked through Bicentennial Park, run the stairs one or two times, and walk back to the apartment. Most of the times, I would stop in the store on my way. And, that came with it’s own set of emotions. But, when I made it to the top of the stairs and the music was playing loud in my headphones, I’d feel powerful. I’d look out upon my old neighborhood. And, everything else seemed to fade away.

And at the moment I got my confidence back, I also stopped fearin’ the consequence. I started to live my life again with all the zeal and weirdness that might involve.

“I might be too strung out on compliments,

Overdosed on confidence.

Started not to give a fuck and stopped fearin’ the consequence.

Drinkin’ ever night because we drink to my accomplishments.

Faded way too long, I’m floatin’ in and out of consciousness.

And they sayin’ I’m back, I’d agree with that.

I just take my time with all this shit, I still believe in that.

I had someone tell me I fell off, oooh, I needed that.

And they want to see me pick back up, well, where’d I leave it at?”

9. It’s Time: Imagine Dragons

“And so this is what you meant, when you said that you were spent. And now it’s time to build from the bottom of the pit right to the top, don’t hold back. Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check. I don’t ever want to let you down. I don’t ever want to leave this town, ‘cause after all, this city never sleeps at night.”

Returning to Nashville was easy. In so many ways, it was as if nothing had changed in the three years I had left. Everywhere I went, I saw so many of my old people. The same folks working at Kroger. My same ol’ UPS driver making deliveries. The same guys hanging behind the O’Reilly’s. The same bus driver of Bus 22. And, they hadn’t forgotten me. It was so very easy.

But, that also meant, it wouldn’t be easy to leave to start my new life in Johnson City.

And you know, it wasn’t.

“I’m just the same as I was. Now don’t you understand? That I’m never changing who I am.”

But, Nashville was the reminder I needed about the person I really am. It reminded me of my strength and my confidence. I spent almost every day out with friends, laughing and dancing. I remembered what was it was to be Katherine. And not just in terms of my day-to-day life, but also in relationships. There were parts of myself that I minimized when I was in my last relationship. It wasn’t anyone’s fault really, but rather, a confluence of two very different people coming together. As I came to accept who I am, I really started to feel joyous. Because, I think there is nothing worse than not being yourself, the weird, little freaky bitch that you are.

10. Fight Song: Rachel Platten

The day I left Nashville for Johnson City, I made one last stop by the store. When I went to say goodbye to him, I started crying. It wasn’t necessarily about him, but, it was about leaving Nashville, leaving Germantown, leaving all the things that brought me so much comfort, and leaving all the things that brought me back to myself again.

And I was so scared. Like, really fucking scared.

Because he’s not a monster, he reached out to me once I arrived here. But I was inconsolable. I mean, he couldn’t offer the kind of support that I really wanted at the moment—which was just for someone to be here with me for the first night in this big ol’ house.

So, I decided to start unpacking. I cracked open a beer and turned on a pop music station. The very first song that played was this one. Sitting in the middle of an empty house, surrounding by boxes, and I broke the fuck down. I knew this was my moment. This was my chance to reclaim the life that I wanted. This was my chance to pick up the pieces. This was the moment it was all suppose to change. So, I cried my little eyes out and sang the song…and I remembered, I can do this. I’ve done it before. And so, it began…

11. Glorious: Macklemore

I haven’t listened to a ton of Macklemore, but I often heard his Can’t Hold Us on a pop radio station and absolutely loved it. So, when I saw he had a new album, I loaded it up on my phone before heading out for a run. I can remember running up Baxter Avenue, and this song came on. And I wanted to spin around right there in the street shouting that I felt glorious! Okay, maybe it was the runner’s high, but it fits pretty accurately with so many of the things I’ve been fighting for this year.

“You know I’m back like I never left,

Another sprint, another step.

Another day, another breath.

Been chasing dreams, but I never slept.

I got a new attitude and a lease on life,

And some peace of mind.

Seek and I find I can sleep when I die…

I feel glorious, glorious.

Got a chance to start again.

I was born for this, born for this.

It’s who I am, how could I forget?

I made it through the darkest part of the night.

And now I see the sunrise.

Now I feel glorious, glorious….

I’m feeling glorious.

The crib looking Victorian (oh yes it is),

You know that we been going in,

Since we hopped out that Delorean (Delorean, yeah, we win).

En garde, things are just things.

They don’t make you who you are.

Can’t pack up a U-Haul and take it with you when you’re gone.

We posted on the porch, my family’s glasses to the stars,

My grandma smiling down on me like woo, that boy got bars.

Okay, okay, yes I do.”

And then, there’s the part about his grandma. And in the countless other times I’ve listened to this song while out running, I always raise an imaginary toast to my grandma. After her passing, I can remember sitting on my mom’s porch with my family talking about all of our memories. And with everything I’ve done this past year, I know my grandma would be so very proud of me. I don’t got bars, but I got some guts to pick up and do this all over again, and she’d see that. She’d love to see me so happy, doing me.

12. Forever: Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and Eminem

“Last name Ever, first name Greatest.

Like a sprained ankle, boy, I ain’t nothin’ to play with…

Swimmin’ in the money, come and find me: Nemo

If I was at the club, you know I balled: chemo…

It may not mean nothin’ to y’all

But  understand nothin’ was done for me.

So I don’t plan on stoppin’ at all.

I want this shit forever, man.”

I mean, y’all, come on. If you don’t love Drake, you are clearly insane. Obviously, I’m in love with this man. I named a kitten after him. Wait, you knew that right? Regardless, this was also one of my favorite running songs. Just try it, you’ll run your ass off.

But it’s not just that. I suppose one reason it really appeals to me is again thinking about how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am, not just finishing a PhD from Vanderbilt, but more so, that I was able to work my ass off to find a job that put me back in the part of the world that I wanted to be. But it’s not just Drake’s verses, it’s also Lil’ Wayne’s.

“Life is such a fuckin’ roller coaster, then it drop.

But what should I scream for? This is my theme park…

I’m restin’ in the lead, I need a pillow and a cover,

Shhh, my foot’s sleepin’ on the gas,

No break pads, no such thing as last…”

And, Kanye’s…

“You would think I ran the world, like Michelle’s husband.

You would think these **** know me, when they really doesn’t.

Like they was down with the old me—no you fuckin’ wasn’t…”

But, my absolutely favorite line that always calls for me to say it out loud while I’m running is when Drake says:

“If you ain’t been a part of it, at least you got to witness….bitches.”

13. Say My Name: Tove Stryker

When you least expect it, someone new comes into your life. It’s always so fun meeting someone new. There’s all the getting to know each other conversation. There’s the endless conversations that seem to last all day and night. There’s the moment when you wake up in the morning and you are excited for the moment when they message: “Good morning beautiful.” There’s this whole world you start to create together, with your own language. So much that it starts to filter into your daily life, in your classroom, in your conversations with friends. And, you can’t wait to get home at the end of the day to fill them in on the funny things that happened in your day. Oh yeah, I got a serious crush. It’s not perfect, and there are some reasons that make it difficult, but he’s pretty fucking spectacular. I’m happy to have him in my life, to make me smile, to keep me laughing, regardless of what comes next.

“You said you ain’t the one to jump in a relation,

And I don’t mind, but when we touch it’s elevation.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Up, up, up, up, up.

You speak my lingo, we don’t need no translation.

I never need a break, ‘cause we feel like vacation.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Got me up, up, up, up, up.

Go ahead and feel what you feel.

I want you closer to me.

Say my name.

Wear it out like a sweater that you love,

‘Cause I can’t enough when you,

Say my name.

Spill it out like a drink you should have skipped.

You’re the one I wanna get when you,

Say my name.

Let it roll, let it roll off your tongue.

Let me know, let me know what you want…”

14. Well Whiskey: Bright Eyes

This one is just simply a no comment song. Only lyrics. That’s it. I can’t go there. I will say that I’m having a hot toddy with whiskey, so yeah, I’m drinking all peaceful and warm. Oh, and y’all, beware of those full moons.

“I get my whiskey from a well,

Except on holidays, then it’s the top shelf.

But tonight, I don’t mind if I spend a little more.

‘Cause you are a tolerant woman and the world is at war.

I know you witnessed my decline.

You used to push back the darkness like a floodlight.

Bu tonight that is a secret like the soul of a whore.

That if you want to have fun, you’ll just have to ignore.

Now let my troubles solve themselves.

I used to get involve but I’m just no help.

But tonight, let’s pretend that we are just like we were.

Let me stay until the morning, I will sleep on the floor.

And we can talk in circles, no dollar figures.

Just what is owed or paid.

And you can make predictions.

I know you see the future and I agree,

And we agree, tonight’s not happening.

When I got dry as a desert I got mean.

I was as lonely and empty as a canteen.

With no anesthetic, you are bound to be sore.

But tonight, I am drinking all peaceful and warm…

And we could make a timeline to last our whole lives,

But we don’t know—

But no one knows what’s further up the road

Just wait and see, just wait and see.

All in time, all in time.”

15. I Did Something Bad: Taylor Swift

For most of you that know me, you know I’m no stranger to the narcissists. It’s in my nature to be overly empathetic, which plays right into the hands of the narcissists. BUT, things are a little different these days. Maybe I’ve taken a play from their book.

“I never trust a narcissist, but they love me.

So, I play ‘em like a violin.

And I make it look oh-so-easy.

‘Cause for every lie I tell them, they tell me three.

This is how the world works.

Now all he thinks about is me.

I can feel the flames on my skin.

Crimson red paint on my lips.

If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing.

I don’t regret it one bit, ‘cause he had it coming.”

16. Up All Night (feat. Nicki Minaj): Drake

Did you really think I’d have a whole mix without Nicki? Absolutely not. So, the last song before we go into the mix wrap up…Also, I mostly named my kitten after Drizzy so I could chuckle at songs like this. Or, when I say things like: “Drizzy tried to get in the bath with me” or “Drizzy woke me up early.”

“Drizzy say get her, Imma get her.

I got the kind of money, that make a broke bitch bitter.

I got that kinda—wait, wait—fixate.

Which bitch, you know made a million off a mixtape?”

So, in conclusion…

17. Completely Not Me: Jenny Lewis

There’s so much of this song that fits the weird time period in which I had moved back to Nashville for the summer. As you’ve seen, it was a time period in which I was out of sorts. I was happy to be back in the South, but also a time in which I wasn’t sure what that meant for me. At the same time, I was navigating some complicated relationships. And, there were some moments. They weren’t the best. But at the same time, they set me on a very different trajectory…and like Kesha says: “Our scars make us who we are.” It needed to happen.

“I could’ve died that night,

Way back in June.

Saw my soul hang heavy above the room.

Slackjawed I confessed, bit by my hubris.

I was spooked out, obsessed by the moon.

I was completely not me.

But baby I’m coming clean.”

18. Praying: Kesha

Not only did I need to learn some lessons about myself, but I also needed to learn the lessons in my relationships, particularly in regards to my ex. When I first heard this song, I lost it. I sent it to him immediately. Because, as I started to realize how to move forward, this song had so much to say about our weird and fucked up unsolvable situation. And I wish him the best, I hope somewhere he’s praying and that he’ll find his own peace.

“Well, you almost had me fooled.

Told me that I was nothing without you.

Oh, but after everything you’ve done.

I can thank you how strong I have become.

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell.

I had to learn how to fight for myself.

And we both know all the truth I could tell,

I’ll just say this as I wish you farewell.

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’,

I hope your soul is changin’, changin’,

I hope you find you peace.

Falling on your knees prayin’.

I’m proud of who I am.

No more monsters, I can breathe again.

And you said that I was done.

Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come.

‘Cause I can make it on my own.

And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known.

I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain…”

19. Liability: Lorde

I only heard this song in the last couple of days. When I first heard it, it obviously reminded me of him. I thought she was singing: “Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my store,” which incidentally reminded me of the first night we hung out and danced to a Rihanna song in the store. And then, how in the bitter aftermath of our relationship, I turned to the arms of the only love I haven’t screwed up. And yeah, I had another one of those running and ugly crying moments. At least for a moment, but in the next mile, the song sounded different to me.

In the last couple of weeks of this month, I’ve been really thinking through some of the lessons I’ve learned this year. And one is so much about prioritizing myself, and making sure I share myself only with people that also treat me as a priority. It’s about my expectations for myself, and for the relationships in my life. And that’s not just for the fellas, its for my lady friends too. In general, my goal as I move forward into the next year is to ensure that I don’t share myself with people who can’t be there for me.

“Baby really hurt me, crying in the taxi.

He don’t wanna know me.

Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm.

Says it was poison.

So I guess I’ll go home into the arms of the girl that I love.

The only love I haven’t screwed up.

She’s so hard to please, but she’s a forest fire.

I do my best to meet her demands, play at romance.

We slow dance in the living room, but all that a stranger would see

Is one girl swaying alone, stroking her cheek.

They say, “You’re a little much for me, you’re a liability.

You’re a little much for me.”

So they pull back, make other plans.

I understand, I’m a liability.

Get you wild, make you leave.

I’m a little much for everyone.

The truth is I’m a toy that people enjoy

‘Til all of the tricks don’t work anymore.

And then they are bored of me.

I know that’s it’s exciting running through the night.

But every perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone

Better on my own.”

20. Good Old Days (feat. Kesha): Macklemore

Honestly, this song hadn’t made it to the mix. But I couldn’t bear to end the mix with Lorde’s sad sad song. That’s just not me anymore. And so, we have to uplift. So, y’all, remember this, relish in the joy of everyday, of the people in your life, of all the things ahead of you. Fuck. I sound like a motivational speaker. But truth, we never know what’s just around the bend. And I love the wrinkles around my smile, all of my scars, and the mess of the years that have come before.

“I wish somebody would have told me, babe.

Someday, these will be the good old days.

All the love you won’t forget.

And all these reckless nights you won’t regret.

Someday soon, your whole life’s gonna change.

You’ll miss the magic of these good old days.

Wish I didn’t think I had the answers,

Wish I didn’t drink all of that flask first,

Wish I had made it to homecoming,

Got up the courage to ask her,

Wish I would’ve gotten out of my shell,

Wish I put the bottle back on that shelf.

Wish I wouldn't have worried about what other people thought,

And felt comfortable in myself.

Rooftop open, and the stars above.

Moment frozen, sneakin’ out, and fallin’ in love.

Me, you, and that futon, we’d just begun.

On the grass dreamin’, figuring out who I was.

Those good old days.

Never thought we’d get old, maybe we’re still young.

Maybe you always look back and think it was better than it was.

Maybe these are the moments.

Maybe I’ve been missin’ what it’s about.

Been scared of the future, thinkin’ about the past.

While missin’ out on now.

We’ve come so far, I guess I’m proud.

And I ain’t worried ‘bout the wrinkles ‘round my smile.

I’ve got some scars, I’ve been around.

I’ve felt some pain, I’ve seen some things, but I’m here now…”