Year-in-Review: 2018

Oh 2018.  You were confusing and clarifying. You were easy and complicated. You were awesome and awful. You had me swinging from extremes of lightness and heaviness. And oh, 2018, you were full of a bunch of terrible mistakes.

But...I’ve been thinking a lot lately about missteps and mistakes. I think we need them. We can’t progress without them. Otherwise, we’d grow complacent. But here’s what I am proud of…With each and every mistake I made this year, I was able to sit down here at the table (yes, that same one!), pour a glass of wine, and write to myself, to others, and to the most amazing (mostly silent) therapist. I would process the mistake like the scientist I am. Pulling at all the tiny little threads for explanations. And then, finally seeing the pathways of the mistake illuminate so very fucking brightly. It was in these moments that I came to learn so much about myself.

For those of us who have experienced childhood trauma, our recovery process is full of these moments. I know its never going to be easy. I’m never going to be “fixed.” I’m going to fuck up again and again and again.  But I think I’m finally starting to see the process. I’m seeing how the challenges of 2016 helped me to work out some of the issues. And then, 2017, some different ones. And now, 2018, something else. And there are ALWAYS going to be missteps and mistakes, just as there are always new lessons. And sometimes, it’s going to be the same old lessons from say, I don’t know, 2011? I think the point is that I’ve learned to accept the full version of myself, which is all over the place sometimes. And that’s just fine, because if we never fuck it all up, we aren’t able to realize what it is we really need, and for me, more importantly, what it is that we really want.

One step at a time, my darlings.

I’m grateful for all of you that helped me during this year. That picked up the phone when I needed to talk it all out. That remained patient with me when I was confused. That followed along with my journey of running and #drunkblueapron’ing while I sought to take care of myself. That never judged me while I was clearly making the mistakes I needed to get to the place where I am today. Y’all are the real deal.

And so, it’s with that I start my year-end list of gratitude. Thank you again.

I am grateful for… (in no particular order, my dears)

1. Running.

Some days, I ran fast. Some days, I ran far. Some days, I ran in the hot and humid summer afternoons. Some days, I ran in the rain. And even, some days, I ran in the snow. Running remains key for me. I think it works because it belongs to me. It’s my thing. Just me. Out on the streets, working the things out. This year, I ran my first official 5K with Robbie in Nashville. And this past year, I ran 620 miles.

2. My Nashville Crew: Robbie, Russell, Clinton, Rob, Taylor, Matt, and Luke

I was so fortunate this year to have multiple places to stay when I came visiting Nashville. So a billion thanks you go out to Kate Chapman, and April and Bill Mullins. Their amazing generosity allowed for me to return to Nashville more times than I can count this past year. It’s hard to even begin to remember all the visits. I had a blast ringing in the New Year with Robbie, Taylor, Russell, Clinton, and Matt; attempting to watch The Oscars with Robbie; celebrating my birthday with Robbie, Russell, Rob, Luke, and Clinton; running a 5K with Robbie and Rob; that long ass summer where we watched so many soccer games, had so many Sunday Fundays, and tore it up at ALL the pool parties at Rob’s house. 

3. Jennie Ann

Jennie Ann and I have been best friends for almost 27 years. The lifespan of a best friendship always has its twists and turns. While both of us were going through our own tough set of challenges in the past couple of years, we drifted apart. I missed her horribly. But this year, we came back together. And it taught me these amazing lessons about friendships. They aren’t always going to be perfectly neat. Life ebbs and flows, and so do friendships. And at the end of the day, they are still there—the history, the jokes, the understanding. But, you have to speak up. You have to tell the people that you love that you miss them when things aren’t perfect. You have to remind them that you are there for them when things aren’t perfect for them. You have to fight for the relationships that you want to keep in your life. I’m so happy that we are back together again. Obsessing over some new television show. Conversating in gifs. Talking about our own progress in #recovery with one another. And, as always laughing our faces off in the process. Beyond my joy of having Jennie Ann back in my life, I’ve been so fortunate that she’s also brought Gladdy, her daughter, into my life.

4. My Family

I’m so grateful for all my trips home to spend time with my mom. I’m grateful to spend the holidays with my sister and my brothers. I’m so grateful that I was able to finally be at Jessica’s baby shower for our newest family member, Everett. And maybe the most important to me was to attend Jack’s 3^rd birthday party this year. I’m so excited to be part of their lives. To be the crazy Aunt Katherine that I always wanted to be. 

I am also fortunate to have found another family with April and Bill Mullins. They welcomed me into their home, allowed me to stay there for a incredibly amazingly small amount of money, but more so than all of that, I've loved sharing my life and stories with them. Tonight, I was trying to figure out my plans for the New Year, and April messaged to me: COME HOME TOMORROW. And it made me smile so very much, because I realized how much of a connection we've made in only six months. I can't wait to see them tomorrow. And sit together, laughing and talking and drinking all the wines. 

5. Happy Hours with Jamie and Coco at Yee-Haw.

I am grateful for all those afternoons with Jamie and Coco at Yee-Haw (and our group chats). Sometimes we talk about teaching and our classes. Sometimes we talk about our lives. Sometimes we just talk shit. We are early in our friendships, but I know that if I ever needed anything from these two, they’d be there. They would always get your back. And they always want you to be the best version of yourself you can be. And that my dears is the kind of thing you hold onto for as long as possible with your friends.

6. Colleagues/New Friends and Students at Tusculum University

I feel like this list would be long, if I were to go there and list all of them. Suffice to say, I’m loving my time at Tusculum. I have some of the most amazing colleagues I could ever ask for. They are not only smart academics and amazing professors, they are great friends. They have always supported me. They’ve invited me to their homes, their book clubs, to be besties with their kids. And the students. Okay, not all of them are great, but I’ve certainly loved the chance to get to know these students and watch them learn and progress.

7. My Girls….(said in RuPaul’s voice)

I’m so thankful to Ashley, Michelle, Yvonne, Andrea, Sheila, my Aunt Jennie Ann, April, and my dearest Susan….I’m sure the list could go on. But you folks have been great this year in terms of your continued love and support via phone calls, text messages, visits, FB likes and messages. I envision a world in which all of us could live so very close to each other to sit around the table and drink wine and chat on a daily basis.

8. The Nutcracker

I’m starting to wind down now. And, honestly, outside of running, performing in the Nutcracker this year was one of the highlights of my year. Similar to my running, performing in the Nutcracker was something that belonged to me. It wasn’t about anyone else in my life or anything else, just ME! I remember when I signed up, I messaged a particularly problematic individual in my life (read: narcissist) and they responded: “But don’t you think you’ll be too busy for the other things in your life?” Yes, y’all should recognize this if it happens in your life. Someone who doesn’t want you to do something just for yourself because it might interfere with the time you might spend interacting with them…well, y’all, it’s time to move on down the street.

The ballet helped to teach me this. There was nothing about it that was going to contribute to my work or my personal life. But rather, every single time I showed up for rehearsal, all the stupid problems of every day just fell away. When all those wonderful little kids came running up to me to talk, none of this other bullshit mattered. They made me so very happy. But yes, that’s it. It was just for me. And I plan to do so much more of that in the coming year. 

9. Islam

I can’t begin to explain what Islam has brought to my life. There’s all these memories that we’ve already created—Discount Tire and the Food Truck, Text Messages, Phone Calls, Hawawshi, #DrunkBlueApron, Stomach, the Gala and Homecoming, Pumpkins, Halloween, Flowers, Baklava, Thanksgiving, West Virginia, Christmas. It’s the tip of the iceberg. And I can tell there are so many more memories to come. He’s someone who sees me. He loves me for me. He reminds me that I need to belong to myself.

One of the metaphors from this year that I shared with "Dear Susan" this last week was about ballet and partners. While I sat in the theater during dress rehearsal and watched the Sugar Plum Fairy perform, I though about the role of partners. In ballet, we have partners who are there to support us and make us look better. During paux de deux, they work to make you look like the most amazing dancer in the world. You do a pirouette, and they spin you 2-3 times more. And I thought, this is what we want from partners. You want someone who is willing to do that. Being okay with letting you be the star of the show. Don’t get me wrong, they will go out and do their solo later, but when they are partnering you, they hold you up, they want you to look amazing. I've come to realize that Islam is the kind of man who is secure and confident enough to do that.

10. My Mistakes

There were a lot of them this year. The ex’s were there. Spring Break was a shit show including the roommate. My summer was full of some weird decisions and some violations by research participants. I had a lot of people violating my boundaries this past year. And sometimes I stopped it. And sometimes I let myself be overwhelmed. I’ve realized I’m closer to stopping it, and it doesn’t make people happy, but I’m not going to stop.

As I depart from this year, I’ve realized that I’m in a place where I want to say what I want. I’m tired of pleasing other people. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to belong to myself. And then, to share that with the people who love me and care about me the most in this world. For all of you, I’m so grateful. Thank you.