"Cause I won't waste another day living
someone else's way. I wanna be happy. I wanna be free. Fuck what they say, I'm
doin' me." -Mikey Mike
Contradictions
and Complexities: Katherine's 18th Annual Mix (2019)
In 2019, I ran far less than I did in 2018. When I first started running, it was necessary and vital to my functioning. I had to run to manage my depression and anxiety. I had to run because I felt terrified. I had to run because I was confused. I had to run because I was angry. I ran hard. I ran fast. I ran far. It was my coping mechanism. And I remember I was always so scared of getting injured, worried if I had to stop running for any length of time that I might just fall apart again. And I ran from a lot of things. I ran from all the things.
I believe it
was Islam who noticed I wasn't running as often in 2019, particularly on the
days when he was staying with me at the house. He mentioned it out of concern that
maybe he was occupying too much of my time and keeping me from it. As we talked
about it, I realized it was a good thing. Because, I was feeling calm and quiet
and like I didn't need to run from all the things. I could just sit there, with
him, with myself, with whatever feelings I was having. And that was a huge
accomplishment for me. I gave myself the permission to stay in one place. And
that idea unfolded in some really interesting ways this year.
I made a lot
of choices this year that meant staying in one place, staying still. I bought a
house in Johnson City. I got married. I adopted another sweet cat named Aziza.
And every single moment that I embraced the idea of permanency, I didn't
run. I stayed. I sat with it. And, I embraced it. Because I realized I'm only
terrified of commitment when I'm making choices that aren't right for me. When
it all fits, it's easy, y'all.
However, within all of
that, there were all these amazing contradictions and complexities and well,
just complications. 2019 brought a lot of trying moments. Moments that
ended up being clarifying moments about who I was, what I wanted my life to
look like, and where I wanted to go next. There was that flooded basement.
There was that April and May in which I don't think I've ever been so scared
and exhausted. There was my first (and extremely difficult) Ramadan. But then, 2019 also brought a lot of amazing life-changing moments. I received the Excellence in Teaching Award from my college. I became a first time homeowner. I got married to an amazing man. I adopted another sweet kitten.
Mostly this year, I
just learned that the show goes on. That when the shit really hits the fan,
like in a true life-threatening sort of way, you keep going. You wake up. You
shower. You put on clothes. And for some days, that's enough. That THAT is a
huge accomplishment. We show up for the people we love. We take care of them.
And then, later, they take care of us. And here's the thing, we all experience
a bunch of amazing things over the course of a year, and a bunch of shitty
things too. But the important thing is to not put on what Islam calls
"dark-colored glasses" (the opposite of "rose-colored
glasses") you know the kind of person who sees only the negative in
everything. And trust me y'all, it was hard at times for both of us. One time I
danced like a snake after too much vodka given a huge disappointment. One time I ate
a burger in a hospital parking lot and cried my eyes out. One time I sat in the
parking lot at the park where I run and thought I was going to lose my mind.
But you know
what saved me all those times? Well, there were a lot of people. And depending
on the circumstance, there were friends, colleagues, folks from the
mosque...but through all of these times there was my best friend, Jennie Ann.
She has been there for me in this past year in a way I don't think I can
completely capture here. Jennie Ann and I have been best friends for almost 28
years. Much of this mix is about our adventures together this year. Our
conversations. Our sharing of gifs and memes. When things seemed bleak, she was
always there to make me laugh. And at other times, she was just there to let me
cry into the phone. But honestly, if you know either one of us, we just need to
laugh and dub it the year of Fiona, Del Hart, Mikey Mike, or maybe, just geese.
See, we've
been obsessed with geese this past year. I think it started with our empty parking
lot obsession. And then, one day, some geese were wandering through the empty parking
lot. And then, we just started texting geese gifs over and over. And, then, we
started seeing geese everywhere. From some rudimentary internet research
on geese, I've learned that seeing geese is to encourage you to remember where
you came from, remember your roots, and to thank the people who helped you from
the beginning. If anyone has been there with me since the beginning, it is
Jennie Ann. "These are the people you can count on to see you at worst and
never hold any judgments." And this past year, I've needed someone to see
me clearly, to hear me at my worst, and to love me no matter what. I'm thankful
for my best friend of almost three decades for always showing up when I need
her. But perhaps most of all, I'm thankful for always making me laugh, even when totally inappropriate and at the most of inappropriate things.
You can find the mix in the following places:
1. Apple Music
2. Spotify
3. YouTube
1. listen before i go: Billie Eilish
"Take me to the rooftop. I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turning blue. Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious. Leave me like you do. If you need me, wanna see me. Better hurry, 'cause I'm leaving soon..."
I've totally fallen in love with Billie Eilish this year. I probably listened to Bad Guy on repeat more times than I can count and I adore that version of Billie...however, as I began to explore her other songs and albums, I also fell in love with the quiet and sparse Billie. It was perfect for those cold and dark mornings when I would just get started running, before I picked up my speed. While last year, I craved the quiet. This year, I allowed myself to have more of that. Quiet. Calm. When I first heard this song, I sat on my front porch with a big ol' glass of wine and had to play it over and over again. It was something in the quiet desperation in her voice that captivated me.
So, yeah, clearly this song is about suicide. No, I'm not
depressed, y'all. I think the line I love the most is the desire to see the
world from a rooftop when you stop breathing. It makes me think of how
important it is to take in the beauty of this world.
But then, today, I got the news that a friend committed
suicide yesterday. I suspect by the time I post the blog, the news will be well
known. And so, it is with some heaviness and melancholy that I'll dedicate this
song to Chef Larry. Larry and I weren't super close friends, but I knew him through
the time he worked at Silo and Hemingway's/Earnest's. We became friends the last summer I
lived in Germantown. In my final few weeks in the neighborhood, I may have gotten had a glass of wine too many because I stole his hat before I ran out of the restaurant. One time over the holidays, he texted me to say hello. And that was sort of the way it worked with us. Every so often, we'd message. I remember him texting me about his new gig at Hemingway's. When he saw on social media that I was headed to town, he'd always invite me to the restaurant so he could cook for me. My
favorite conversation we had was this long drawn out discussion of brunch and
how much he hated it. Man, I never heard of anyone that hated brunch as much as
Chef Larry. But then, on January 1, 2018, he texted me: "I finally get
brunch." I'm assuming that instead of working, he had the chance to enjoy
a brunch on his own, surrounded by friends and family. We will miss you Tiny
Chef Larry Byrd (as he became dubbed by Allison). I wish you peace.
"Call my friends and tell them that I love
them. And I'll miss them...."
2. Ghost Town: First Aid Kit
"All of these ghost towns I keep traveling through. All of these traffic signs and lonesome bars. Blindsiding me to you and I swear I can be better. I could be more to you. But there are things that lie in my path that I just have to do. If you've got visions of the past, let them follow you down. And they'll come back to you someday. And I found myself attached to this railroad track. But I'll come back to you someday...."
This is one of those songs that's almost too complicated to fully explain. I think I fell in love with it for how painfully beautiful it is. Again, quiet and sparse. Maybe it's something about how much our past follows us, and we have to make peace with all of that. 2019 had a lot of the things in it. And a big part of it was making peace with my past. Or, maybe I just like it because one night I heard it, and it made me think of my best friend Jennie Ann and one of our favorite gifs, and I sent it to her while I was making dinner. It's hard to say, but it's the perfect song to listen to while you are sitting in an empty parking lot at night. Or, at 8:30am when you are trying to figure out the next thing.
"And I remember how you told me all that you wanted to
do. The dream of Paris in the morning or a a New York window view. And I can
see it now you're married and your wife is with a child. And you're all
laughing in the garden and I'm lost somewhere in your mind..."
3. Clementine: Halsey
"I'd like to tell you that my sky's not blue, it's violent rain. And in my world, the people on the street don't know my name. In my world, I'm seven feet tall. And the boys always call, and the girls do too. Because in my world, I'm constantly, constantly havin' a breakthrough. Or a breakdown, or a black out. Would you make out with me underneath the shelter of the balcony?"
Picking a Halsey song (or actually two) for the mix was a challenge. She's pretty amazing in my book. But when I heard this one, I knew it needed to be in opening songs of the mix, because it encapsulates contradictions and complexities.
"I left my daydreams at the gate because I just can't take
'em too. Know my heart still has a suitcase, but I still can't take it
through..."
4. Doin' Me: Mikey Mike
"Singing loud, singing proud. It's good to be free. 'Cause I won't waste another day, living someone else's way. I wanna be happy. I wanna be free. Fuck what they say, I'm doin' me..."
I fell in love with this song because of a specific scene on the Showtime show, SMILF. It's an empty street at night and the heroine of the show is bouncing a basketball, after some particularly hard challenges. The scene spoke to me. It was something about realizing that we are who we are, and we don't have to do what anyone else expects us to do...but rather, we can do it our way. I don't think I've ever lived my life someone else's way. I've always wanted to live a life that challenged me, that operated outside of the bounds of a traditional way of life. It's sort of like a newer version of Frank Sinatra's My Way. You do you, Mikey Mike.
"I wanna be scared outta my head, and lost
outta my mind. I wanna fall in n' outta love a few thousand
times..."
5. Fair Game: Sia
"You terrify me 'cause you're a man, you're not a boy. You got some power and I can't treat you like a toy. You're the road less travelled by a little girl. You disregard the mess while I try to control the world. Don't leave me, stay here and frighten me. Don't leave me, come now enlighten me..."
If I actually used Spotify to listen to music, it would tell me I listened to this song more times than any other song this year. It's a perfect running song. The driving rhythm at the beginning. The sparse music during the first verse. And then, it builds to something magical. But I suppose it's not just that it's about the sound of the song, but something also in the lyrics. It reminds me of what it is like when you meet the person who is just what you need. A fair game.
"I pushed and pushed hoping you'd bite. So I could run,
run. And that I did but through the dust. You saw those teeth marks. They
weren't all yours, you had been thrust into a history that had not worked for
me. Into a history from which I could not flee. So go on shake me. Shake until
I give it up..."
6. Lose You to Love Me: Selena Gomez
"You promised the world and I fell for it. I put you first and you adored it. Set fires to my forest and you let it burn. Sang off-key in my chorus 'cause it wasn't yours. I saw the signs and I ignored it. Rose-colored glasses all distorted. Set fire to my purpose and I let it burn. You got off on the hurtin' when it wasn't yours..."
I think we are always processing our past relationships, particularly when we are in new and different relationships. Hopefully, if we are doing things right, we are realizing how much we've grown from those relationships. We realize the ways in which those relationships didn't serve us. And just sometimes we realize how we had to move past those relationships to truly love ourselves. That's what's going on here. And, to be honest, sometimes it's outside of the realms of romantic love. There are times when we've got to move away from people and places in order to love ourselves.
"We'd always go into it blindly. I needed
to lose you to find me. This dance, it was killing me softly. I needed to hate
you to love me..."
7. Easy: Camila Cabello
"You tell me that I'm complicated and that might be an understatement. Anything else? You tell me that I'm indecisive. Fickle, but I try to hide it. Anything else? You tell me that I overthink 'til I ruin a good thing. Anything else? You tell me you'd rather fight than spend a single peaceful night with somebody else..."
I'm pretty sure I have a crush on Camila Cabello. Shhh, don't tell Billie Eilish. But seriously, I love the way she writes about love. And this song on her newest album captures something that resonates for me. It resonates hard. I think we all feel like pretty little messes sometimes. We are all full of contradictions and complexities. But it's the people who always come through to love us, when we are at our very lowest, that show you who loves you unconditionally. They are the kind of people who pick you up, sometimes out of the gutter, and tell you: "Okay, that shit was fucked up, but what are we gonna do now?" Or they tell you when you are upset about some stupid shit: "Get over it. Good morning." They don't put up with your bullshit. But they also never let you feel out there alone, orbiting around the sun or the dark moon. And you realize, despite what other people make you think, you are worthy of love, you are easy to love, because you are you. And that's all they need. Just you, as you are, even with all the messes.
"You really, really know me. The future and
the old me. All of the mazes and the madness in my mind. You really, really
love me...All I know is you heal me when I'm broken. All I know is you, saved
me and you know it. Always thought I was hard to love, 'til you made it seem so
easy..."
8. Godspeed: Jenny Lewis
"I've known you too long to let you carry on this way. When I was in bad shape, I'll never forget what you always used to say. What are we going to do with you? You don't make it easy on me. What am I supposed to do with you? If you won't let me help you, won't you?"
I'm pretty sure this song is about something very different than what I imagine in my head. But, suffice to say, this song reminds me of what I just wrote about in the last song. Keep your people who love you no matter what close by. You know, the lighthouses. The ones who guide you back.
"Godspeed to you. Keep the lighthouse in
sight."
9. Wonderland: Chvrches
"Can't live forever with my head in the clouds. Can't predict the weather with my feet on the ground. You tell me that we'll be alright. But I don't know if you're right. I can't live forever with my head and my heart in the clouds..."
One day when I took off for a run in the early morning while it was still dark, this song played randomly. It was after some difficult things happened in 2019. There were realizations this year that took all my energy. And there were times that I doubted just about everything.
"I'm counting every sheep, but these rabbit holes run
deep. Trying to be so right, desperate to start a fight. All of this pointless
talk. Why can't I turn it off? When will it all just stop?"
10. The Show Goes On: Lupe Fiasco
"Alright, already the show goes on. All night, till the morning we dream so long. Anybody ever wonder when they would see the sun up?Just remember when you come up, the show goes on..."
Yeah, those things that happen, well, this song helped me to remember that the show goes on. Even when you feel like you want everything to stop, we have to get up, get out there, and get the things done.
"So no matter what you been through. No
matter what you into. No matter what you see when you look outside your
window...Never ever put them down. You just lift your arms higher. Raise 'em
til your arms tired. Let 'em know you're there. That you struggling and
survivin'. That you gonna persevere..."
11. Blame It On Your Love: Charli XCX (feat. Lizzo)
"Gotta blame it on the, blame it on the, blame it on the juice. Looking at my booty like you don't know what to do. Baby, I know that you can't control it, but my body like a swisher, just roll it. I'ma give you one chance to fall in love. Give you one chance, don't fuck this up..."
There were a whole bunch of Lizzo songs I wanted to put on this year's mix, but I didn't. For one, some of my favorite songs I can't listen to anymore after my last trip to Nashville when we listened to the songs on repeat about 802 times and now, I can only imagine the guys dancing and singing to it. For two, I couldn't find the right song and placement and flow.
Clearly, it
was the Year of Lizzo. The year of blaming it on the goose. And, I'll always
treasure going to the concert in Raleigh with my best friend Jennie Ann. It was
a transcendent experience and I was so fortunate that we got to be there
together.
"Honestly, I'm reckless. I'm sorry if I'm
selfish. Every time you get too close I run, I run away. And every time you say
the words I don't know what to say. Back, back to the beginning. Really wish
that I could change. I do, I do, I do. I blame it on your love, every time I
fuck it up..."
12: Middle Child: J. Cole
"I copied your cadence. I mirrored your style. I studied the greats. I'm the greatest right now. Fuck if you feel me. You ain't got a choice. Now I ain't do no promo, still made all that noise. This shit gon' be different. I set my intentions. I promise to slap all that hate out your voice..."
Another perfect running song. And also perfect when you feel like some folks are hatin' on you. #charlotterepresentin
"The game is off balance. I'm back on my
shit. The Bentley is dirty. My sneakers is dirty. But that's how I like it. You
all on my dick..."
13.
Nightmare: Halsey
"I've
tasted blood and it is sweet. I've had the rug pulled beneath my feet. I've
trusted lies and trusted men. Broke down and put myself back together again.
Stared in the mirror and punched it to shatters. Collected the pieces and
picked out a dagger....Come on, little lady, give us a smile. No I ain't got
nothing to smile about. I got no one to smile for, I waited a while for a
moment to say I don't owe you a goddamn thing..."
And then, sometimes, you get real mad. You get mad about the world, as a woman. Tired of people telling you how to live your life. Tired of people wanting you to behave as they think you should. Just tired of it all. Halsey perfectly channels this rage. And sometimes, you just gotta feel the rage and let it churn you onwards to something more productive.
"No I won't smile, but I'll show you my teeth. And I'ma
let you speak if you just let me breathe. I've been polite, but won't be caught
dead lettin' a man tell me what I should do in my bed. Keep my exes in check in
my basement. 'Cause kindness is weakness, or worse, you're complacent. I could
play nice or I could be a bully. I'm tried and angry, but somebody should
be..."
14. Young Forever: Nicki Minaj
"Don't say goodbye, look in my eyes. So that I always will remember. Frozen in time, always be mine. Baby boy, you'll be young forever. I'll be over here, you'll be over there..."
Is it really an annual mix without Nicki? I almost put Megatron on this year's mix, but I couldn't find the right place for it. I also fell in love with this older song while out running.
"I used to think that we'd run away. One
lovely pretty summer day. I remember when you would say we'd be okay come what
may..."
15. Genius: LSD (Labrinth, Sia &Diplo) (feat. Lil' Wayne)
"Uh, I'm a genius, under pressure, no question, I'm really special. Upper echelon when I bless you...I'm a genius and perfectionist, specialist in the excesses. With excellence for evidence..."
Wait, Sia and Lil' Wayne? Yes please.
"Oh my god. Baby, baby, don't you see? I got
everything you need. Only a genius could love a woman like she..."
16. The Louvre: Lorde
"Well, summer slipped us underneath her tongue. Our days and nights are perfumed with obsession. Half of my wardrobe is on your bedroom floor. Use our eyes, throw our hands overboard. I am your sweetheart psychopathic crush. Drink up your movements, still I can't get enough. I overthink your p-punctuation use. Not my fault, just a think that my mind do. A rush at the beginning. I get caught up, just for a minute. But lover, you're the one to blame, all that you're doing..."
This song slays me every single time. Another regular running song. Even when I listen to it right this moment, I can see that moment when I hit the first curve on the track where I run, while the world is still quiet. It reminds of me of all the Franks. Y'all are my people. And I'll sit in hell any day with you.
"Our thing progresses, I call and you come
through. Blow all my friendships to sit in hell with you. But we're the
greatest, they'll hang us in the Louvre. Down the back, but who cares, still
the Louvre..."
17. Day
Too Soon: Sia
"Oh I've been running all my life. I ran away, I ran away from good. Yeah I've been waiting all my life. You're not a day, you're not a day too soon. Honey I will stitch you. Darling I will fit you in my heart. Honey I will meet you. Darling I will keep you in my heart..."
This year has been pretty monumental for me and Islam. On Valentine's Day, he asked me to marry him. I told him I needed more time and suggested we move in together. I'm pretty sure he moved in the very next day. And then, we had some troubled times. Times when things felt bleak. But even when the times were tough, I never doubted that we'd be together. And during some of those particularly hard moments in the past year, I realized that even more that I wanted to be him (more than I can really explain here). And you know that's how I knew that not only had I found the person that I wanted to spend my life with, but also, that I was finally ready for that part of my life. Because, honestly, I think the biggest part of all of it was me working out my things so I could be ready for a good man to come along. I needed to do all the hard work of therapy, all the hard work of interrogating my own issues...and then, only then would I be ready. And in that way, while sometimes I wish we had met when I was younger, I'm glad I met him at precisely the moment I did...because he wasn't a day too soon. He was right on time.
"Pick me up in your arms, carry me away
from harm. You're never gonna put me down. I know you're just one good man.
You'll tire before we see land. You're never gonna put me down..."
18.
Paper Rings: Taylor Swift
"I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings. Uh huh, that's right. Darling, you're the one I want, and I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this. Uh uh, that's right. Darling, you're the one I want, and paper rings and picture frames and dirty dreams. Oh, you're the one I want..."
For many of you, you might have been surprised when Islam and I got married, but see, we had been talking about it for quite some time. One night, we sat down and drafted our yearly plan. We wanted to get married. We wanted to buy a house. We wanted to start our own business. We wanted to travel back to Egypt to visit his family. And, we planned to adopt a sister for Drizzy. Then, things just took on a life of their own. We were going to put off buying the house, because I hadn't found what I wanted. But then, that one morning when I woke up to check the web and saw that cute little house, I texted my realtor. She told me she could meet me there in 30 minutes. So, we put on clothes, we ran over. I remember Islam saying to me: I think its the house for us. And then, we were thrown into that process. Once we got settled, we started talking about getting married. We both knew what we wanted for our wedding. And so, we started to plan it. Believe it or not, but we spent less than $500 on the whole event. It was exactly what made us happy. Something simple. Something that allowed us to focus on our relationship. And as I'm sure you know, we danced the whole way to the event.
I remember
one morning before we got married. I went out for a run. The new Taylor Swift
album had come out. And this song played...and it was absolutely perfect.
"Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night. Kiss
me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright. Three times 'cause I've waited my whole
life..."
19. My Type: Saweetie
"Rich fella, eight figure, that's my type. That's my type, fella that's my type. Eight-inch big, ooh, that's good pipe. Bad bitch, I'ma ride the dick all night..."
So, over the year, Islam and I had a ton of songs that we danced our asses off to while riding back and forth to Lowe's, cleaning the new house and the old house. Thotiana was one of our favorites. But the day we got married...we were on our way to the courthouse. Me driving. Him in the front seat with the bouquet of flowers. My mom in the back seat, documenting all of it. And then, I played this, because it had become one of our favorites. There's a whole video of the two of us in our wedding clothes, driving through Johnson City, dancing and singing this...but y'all will never see it. It was one of my favorite moments. Just picture us screaming "That's my type! That's my type!" to each other on our way to be married.
"New wrist, new whip, ride around dipped. I can see
why, all these basic hoes pissed. Bust down wrist, not a bust down bitch. Said
I want your man, no the fuck I don't sis..."
20. Raising Hell: Kesha (feat. Big Freedia)
"I'm all fucked up in my Sunday best. No walk-of-shame 'cause I love this dress. Hungover, heart of gold, holy mess. Doin' my best, bitch, I'm blessed..."
Every year, I feel the need to acknowledge all of the Franks who have always shown up to remind me of all the joy, the happiness, the fuckedupness of life....because we are all sweet little messes, just trying to find our way, one day at a time, one step at a time. Y'all are what makes life worth living. Thank you for always loving me, no matter what.
"Oh if you couldn't tell, we can always find the
trouble, we don't need no help..."
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